1
Come on, Joe.
Buff that sucker.
- What'd I teach you?
- (spits)
- (chuckles)
- Sanitary.
Is Joe applying for a job
in a train station in 1940?
Just teaching him a few things
every man should know.
Someone has
to get in there early,
or sometimes the kid
turns out funny.
Knock, knock.
- Hey, Phil.
- Hey, guys.
Phil, in here!
PHIL: You ready
to tackle your website?
I know
I'm here a little early.
I thought
I was gonna be --
Do you recognize that?
Are you kidding?
I love your sauce.
Some of it fell out
of my burrito last night,
and I licked it
right off the remote.
That's Auntie Alice's
new sauce!
She stole my recipe!
I know.
I am the crazy Colombian
that always loses her temper
and needs to be calmed down
by the white people.
No! I don't think
you're being crazy enough.
I'm not a violent man, but
I know how nuts it can make you
to create something special
only to have it stolen from you.
Do you remember
a hit song called "Happy?"
Yeah, it was
like a couple of years ago
with the clapping
and the hat.
A couple of years ago, huh?
So a full four years
after this burst on the scene.
Because I'm snappy
Snap with me if you think
that today is a good day
That's right, I'm snappy
Snap with me if you took
a test and you go-o-t an A
You see, I'm snappy
Sounds just a little similar,
right?
- A little, but --
- Thank you!
But do you think
that he saw this?
Um, it had 27 views.
Come on.
We're going
down to that market
to make that old bat
cease and desist.
I will not stand idly by
while Auntie Alice
Pharrell Williamses you.
- Where are you two going?
- To the market.
We need olives!
And then when the lights go out,
she'll be able to read
the glow-in-the-dark ink
on your T-shirt.
- Oh, my God.
She's gonna love it.
- She? Who's she?
- What are you guys working on?
- (both) Nothing.
Oh, okay.
I get it, yeah.
He's -- I'll just be down
in the bedroom, you know,
at the end of the --
at the end of the hall.
Hey, thanks
for your help.
I really like this girl,
and there's
just so much pressure
to do something spectacular
when you ask a girl out to prom.
(air hissing) Is there something wrong
with your air vents?
No, Cam breathes through
his nose when he hides.
A promposal?
To who? Laurie Vock?
Oh, no.
She's Ian Jacobs' girl.
Melanie Rylance?
You have to be careful with her.
She has more cold sores
than Abby Burmeister.
But seriously, Luke,
everything you say here
is completely confidential.
Oh, you know, they are looking
for chaperones for prom,
and I thought
maybe we could --
No, we have tickets to the
opening of "Cabaret" that night.
I'm not missing it
so I can tell some teenage girl
to keep her dress on.
I spent my own prom
doing that.
Okay, can I just point out
the absurdity
that you ask this uncle to
advise you and not this uncle,
who hung a Valentine's banner
outside of his office
that said, "Mitchell,
you're the best husband,
father, and lover.
"
Didn't love all three of those
being rolled into one sentence.
Sounded a little Ozark-y.
- No, Cam.
Stop.
- What?
Luke's just looking
for an adviser
who's a little
more understated
and a little less,
you know
David Stuart.
Oh, I get it.
- He's quite gay.
- Yes, I got it.
Okay, well, you know what?
I would hate to muck up
your promposal
with my flair and panache.
I'm sure the lucky girl
will swoon with delight
when you use a mustard bottle
to write "Wanna go?"
on her turkey burger.
(cellphone rings)
Hello?
CLAIRE: There's an intruder
in the house.
What?!
But you have
nothing to worry about
with Pritchett's
Guardian 3000 Closet,
which doubles as
a military-grade panic room.
- So no intruder?
- No!
I'm just so excited
about this idea.
I'm debuting it
next week at ClosetCon.
What do you think?
I think
I'm studying for finals.
Can't you scare the crap
out of a focus group?
(doorbell rings) Like I'm gonna share
my best closet idea
with a room
full of strangers
four days before
the most hotly anticipated
storage convention
in North America.
Good point.
You do have
Haley's number, right?
Ooh, do-do-do-do, do-do-do
From the first time that I saw your face
Ooh, do-do-do, do-do-do, ay-ee-ay
I knew you could mine
Ahh
Alex Dunphy, would you make me
the happiest cat in school
and swing by prom with me?
Sha-Na-nope.
(computer beeps)
Hey, Jerry.
For some reason,
I'm locked out of my computer.
Apparently, someone tried
to access my e-mail
before I got in.
(sighs)
Someone hell-bent
on leaking company secrets.
It is four days until C-Con, and
Pritchett's Closets has a mole.
No one is above suspicion.
Margaret, where were you
this morning at 9:45 a.
m.
?
MARGARET:
I'm so sorry I was late.
I was
at Overeaters Anonymous.
I woke up next
to the ice cream again.
So not Margaret.
I know who that locker belongs to.
I can't believe you're asking
that cheap Ho to the prom.
- Cam!
- Sarah Ho!
She gave me a $5 gift card
for Teacher Appreciation Day.
(birds cooing)
What's with the birds?
Oh, these are
just some turtledoves
for Manny's promposal.
You're joking.
You felt so slighted
over Luke asking me
that you foisted yourself
on Manny?
There was no foisting.
I asked Manny
if he needed help.
He was too proud to admit
that he did, so here we are.
Is it possible there's something
deeper going on with you
around this whole prom area?
Is it possible
you're second-guessing
your no-frills approach?
Especially compared
to turtledoves, backup dancers,
and dry ice so Manny can appear
in a cloud of mist.
A cloud of mist?
Like in a movie?
Is our thing
gonna seem lame now?
Steady.
Now, now.
I'm sure your thing is fine.
What did
your little locker note say?
"Go to the gym.
"
Intriguing.
What delights
await her in the gym?
Another note telling her
to go to the parking lot.
Well, I should help Manny
set up.
Should I be worried?
Don't freak me out right now,
okay?
- It's fine.
Just fine.
- Okay.
All right.
You don't have to use it,
but at least you'll have it.
Hello, Auntie Alice.
Or should she say
Auntie Malice?
No, Gloria's right.
It's Alice.
I didn't know
you were in today.
You're in --
trouble!
Is he okay?
- You stole my sauce!
- What?
Uh, I'm sorry.
Maybe you don't hear so good.
She said, "You stole
her sauce.
"
Wow.
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