11. 185806 - Standardized Test (第1季)【完整台词】

And he's tearing up the board, folks.

This man cannot be stopped.

All right, give me your best shot here, Carol.

I feel hot.

I feel ready.

Okay.

What 1957 Roger Corman film starred Pamela Duncan and Richard Garland? What, are they serious? Attack of the Crab Monsters.

Come on, give me a hard question, Carol.

I don't believe it.

Oh, wow, Carol, remember this song? Yeah.

Mom and Dad used to play this to us all the time when we were little.

Yeah, remember what we used to do? I hope this isn't hereditary.

Hey, guys, report cards came.

- Oh, yeah? Our report cards came? - Yeah.

This is yours.

Maggie, we have a child who actually likes getting report cards.

Where did we go wrong? I don't know why I'm so nervous.

I mean, I already know what I got.

Yep.

A, A, A, A, A, A! - That's great, sweetie.

Mike - Good for you.

C, C, C, C D, B.

Well, he did get one B.

- Phys Ed.

? - You got it.

- What drives me crazy is that - I know, he's not dumb.

In first and second grade, he got Bs and B-pluses.

Well, that was before Carol came along and started getting all As.

- The nerve.

- Yeah.

Well, at least he had two great years.

That's better than that poor guy a couple of popes ago.

Jason.

Maggie, maybe we're being a little too hard on him, you know? Not all kids have to get As.

But for the last couple of years it's been getting worse.

Well, that's what puberty's for.

You take a difficult situation and you make it impossible.

- Where you been, Mike? - Oh, I thought I'd go look for Duke.

- Mike, Duke ran away six months ago.

- So? And he wasn't our dog.

What does that really mean, Dad? "Our dog.

" I mean, can one person ever really own another living thing? - Maybe I should go look upstairs.

- Hey, I got a great idea.

Why don't we all take a look at what's in this envelope? Oh, okay.

"If your name is Mike Seaver, you may have already won $2 million.

" Hey, look, Mom, before you get too upset you should know that some of these grades might be wrong.

What scares us is some of them might be right.

Hey, I got a C average.

That's not bad, it's average.

Is that what you want to be, Mike? Average? Well, it's a high C, so actually it's a little above average.

- Don't they have C-pluses for that? - Well, it's not that high.

You can do better than this, can't you? It's not my fault, Mom, I just I have a personality conflict with my teacher.

Mike, you have about the same grades in six different subjects with six different teachers.

I know.

The profession just seems to attract people who are difficult to get along with.

Mike, how many times do we have to go through this? I mean, you're just going to have to work a little harder.

I am working hard.

Then why is it every time I go up to your room when you're supposed to be studying you're either napping or throwing darts? That's how I unwind.

Mike.

Look, Mike, are you saying that you're trying as hard as you can? Yeah.

So these Cs are honestly the best you can do? No, I can get better than Cs, Dad.

Well, Mike, what about this D in geometry? I don't know.

Are the classes too hard for you? I mean, would you rather be in a math section that's a little less demanding? Dad, I can do it.

Look, I'm passing, aren't I? Like, you don't have to go putting me in with the rejects.

Hey, Mike, want to finish our game? No, I wouldn't want to keep you from admiring your As.

- Please, go ahead.

Don't let me stop you.

- Come on, Mike.

Oh, don't be modest, Carol.

Come on, let's share this special moment.

Oh, I'm so proud of you, Carol.

Algebra: A! Social Studies: A! - Advanced Nerdiness: A+! - I'm not a nerd.

Hey, Carol, there's nothing wrong with being a nerd.

I mean, without nerds, who would buy all the back-to-school supplies? Who would date the guys on the math team? And who would raise their hand in class and go, "Ooh, ooh"? Well, you're just jealous because you never get good grades.

Look, if I studied, I could probably get all As.

You couldn't get an A in Lunch as a Second Language.

Oh, that's funny, Carol.

Have you ever considered being a standup? Maybe you could do, like, chemistry comedy and stuff.

You are such a jerk.

I mean, if you could get such good grades, then why don't you study? Because I have better things to do.

Like what? Like getting Lloyd Kreeger to laugh milk out of his nose? No.

Like hanging out with friends, which certain people don't have.

Yeah, well We'll just see how smart you are on Monday, won't we? Why, what's Monday? It's the day the whole school takes the Idaho Standardized Test.

So? If I study, I'll probably get the highest grade in school.

You can't study for this test, bonebrain.

It's an aptitude test.

I know.

What's an aptitude test? It's basically an IQ test.

To see how smart you are.

Or, in your case, how smart you aren't.

All right, now, listen up.

This is the Idaho Standardized Test.

God, I hate these tests.

I hate number two pencils.

I hate this whole experience.

Hey, look, calm down, will you? This isn't such a big deal.

Not a big Not a big deal? Tell that to the hives that are breaking out on my thighs.

You get hives on your thighs? - You want to see them? - No, I believe you.

Oh, my God.

This test doesn't even count on your grades.