2. Gorilla War (第1季)【完整台词】

1 (SIGHS) (HEAVY BREATHING) (SIGHS WITH RELIEF) (SHUFFLING) (CREAKING) Agh! (SIGHS WITH RELIEF) - SHOUTS: - Testing! (BOTH GASP) (YELLS) Well, that seems pretty conclusive.

She can also hear us.

(GROANING) (SNORING) Clear! This room gonna get some DIY! - (SCREAMS) - DIY! What is this impudence?! This is my room, do you hear me? My room! What sort of heathen just barges in on a lady while she's sleeping? Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh.

(SHOOTS DRILL) What on earth is going on? Daddy gonna drill a hole in the wall Daddy is not drilling any holes in any (DRILLING) This is beyond the pale! No.

What are you do? (DRILLING OVER SPEECH) (FANNY GASPS) Oh, you have got to be joking.

- ALISON: - Mike! - Er Oh! This looks fun! I'm going to call it the smile hole.

- Hello, Lady Button! Morning! - ALISON: Mike! No, no, no! You can't just leave it like this.

Where are you going? You can't just So, what's your favourite morning song? I think mine is There's a lark in the bushel at the corner of the - ALISON: Mike! - Er (GHOSTS ALL TALK AT ONCE) - They're back! - Who? Them! - Er - (SHRIEKS) Don't shriek, you ill-bred hen.

It is unseemly for a lady to (SHRIEKS) Him! Cover that up at once.

You beastly wretch! I refuse to be taunted in my own home by that lying, cheating - Ex-husband.

You know how it is.

- (WHIMPERS) - Oh, we're the same height! - Do you need a tea? Lady coming through! What's your favourite colour? (ALL TALK AT ONCE) - Oh, I do wish they wouldn't do that! - Aly! There's a cave one and there's an Army one and there's one with no pants on - And a first from Cambridge! - OK, OK.

I know it may seem very real, but remember what they said at the hospital, yeah? "May experience visual disturbances.

" But I can hear them too.

And my Uncle Graeme, he thought he could smell toast, but you know what? There was no toast.

He was having a stroke! He died, Mike.

OK, bad example.

I'm just saying, think about it, what's more likely, that you can see ghosts, or that you're still suffering from severe concussion? - Ghosts.

- Concussion.

- (GHOSTS SIGH) - Exactly.

You don't just Robin, you've been here a while.

Have you ever seen anything like this before? One time, yes.

But was a bear.

Bear was like, "Raargh!" and I'm like, "Argh!" and then he like, "Ooh, hurr, hurr!" And I'm like "Woo!" And the bear's like (LAUGHS) You had to be there.

- Rare, then.

- Or magic? - Black magic.

- Perhaps she's just special.

Indeed she is.

And you'll be back to your old self in no time.

- Just give it a few days, yeah? - OK.

- OK? - Yep.

So, Mike, what are you up to? Well, I'm hooking up all the stuff that we can't live without.

- So like heating and hot water and - TV.

But the boiler's next on the list! - (CLATTERING) - After that.

Are you sure you know what you're doing? No.

But Google does, so we're golden.

Wowee.

That's quite the encyclopaedia.

It's gotta be, what, two CD-ROMs, min.

It's all under control here, so why don't you go and relax? Have yourself a nice war tepid bath.

- ALISON AND GHOST: I'd like that.

- ALISON: Ohh! One of them just said what I said.

See? It's all in your head.

Just give it a few days, yeah? Now go on Bath.

(CLATTERING) Clearly, this changes things.

By some quirk of fate, it would seem - the new Lady Button - She's no lady, and no Button.

Well, whoever she is, she can now both see and hear us, which opens up some intriguing possibilities chiefly the potential for a full-frontal assault.

Order them to leave.

Face-to-face.

Yes! Well, conversings with the dead be witchcraft.

People been burned at the stake for less.

Except of course she isn't truly conversing, is she? She may give ear to my overtures, but, alas, she is yet to respond to any of us.

- She spoke to me.

- What? - What? No, she did not.

- Did.

Said Aaargh! - I don't think that's a word, Robin.

- No.

'Tis.

I had cousin, that's all he said.

(DISTANT BANGING) She's not conversing because Mr Sledgehammer up there has convinced her we are just figments of her imagination, which is why we need a change of tactics.

We work in shifts.

Campaign of attrition.

Guerrilla war.

(EXHALES DEEPLY) Gorilla always win.

Why is it always about war with you? - Well - What's wrong with a nice 'hello'? Maybe show them around.

Then we could all sit down and have a nice friendly chat - about this whole hotel business.

- It is nice to be friendly.

- Ideally more than friendly.

- Befriended by you lot? I can't think of anything more annoying.

In fact, you know what? Do that! Yeah, good plan.

That'll send them running.

Perhaps I should handle the negotiations.

Huh? Well, I did, after all, resolve the Arabian crisis of '91.

- What, you stopped a war? - No, I stopped a crisis.

By starting a war, as it happens, but, you know, that's not the point.

The point is, I was lead envoy in the negotiations.

Utter toffee.

You couldn't negotiate your way out of a corn maze.

How dare you! I'm a respected politician and diplomat, and I will not have my credentials called into question by some work-shy Bohemian.

That treaty was my legacy.

(OTHERS LAUGH) Oh, yeah, oh, very, very funny.

Fine! I'll prove it to you! Mmm.

Yeah.

Ho-ho! You'll see.

(DISTANT BANGING) Imagine that slammed! Daddy's gonna give it some DIY, DIY Right.

I'll show them.

(STRAINS WITH EFFORT) (GASPS) That's better.

No, no, no, no, no, that's worse! This is awful! I shall write to the owners.

But where's my quill? Maybe I left it downstairs.

Oh, brick it up, you oaf.

I refuse to spend eternity in the company of a halfwit.

- I thought we were friends! - Friends are peers and intellectual equals, Kitty.

- We are neither.

- Fine! Then I'm not letting you go in my canoe.

I just Right, then.

Old boiler.

(STRAINS WITH EFFORT) This'll learn those berks.

(FRUSTRATED YELL) (CREAKING) Hmm.

(WATER DRIPS) (ELECTRICITY FIZZES) Huh.

There's nothing to be scared of.