Bender: "Free beer"?! (Panting) Free beer.
Free beer.
Free beer.
Free beer.
Free beer-beer-beer-beer-beer- beer-beer-beer-beer-beer! Free! (Birds squawk) (Grunts) (People scream) (Grunts) Hello.
I'm here for the free beer.
You got it.
Right after these 800 people get it.
Beer, beer-beer, beer-beer.
("Stars And Stripes Forever" plays) Beer? Ah yeah! (Cheers, applause) Thank you, headless clone of Agnew.
My fellow Earthicans, I'm proud to announce I'm running for reelection as Ppresident of Earth, the greatest planet in the world.
(Cheering) Is everyone enjoying their free beer? (Cheering) Well, there's plenty more where that came from.
(Air hisses) We're all out of beer.
(Gulping) All right, listen up, nitwits.
Who here is tired of illegal space aliens taking our good earth jobs? (Crowd cheers) Me, too.
So, if I'm reelected, I promise to build a really big Dyson fence across the Southern border of our solar system.
(Cheering) And furthermore, by golly, for aquarium gravel.
Yeah! That'll show those poor! Why are you cheering, Fry? You're not rich.
True, but someday I might be rich.
And then people like me better watch their step.
(Sighs) Let's just find Bender.
(Gulping) Ah, that hit the spot.
I found Bender! Good news, everyone.
(Stammers) Wha? I've repaired myself with these convenient "Reelect Nixon" ass stickers.
Go Nixon! Bender, you can't even vote.
You're a convicted felon.
Convicted, sentenced and executed.
But Nixon passed a law that says ex-cons can vote again As long as they vote for Nixon.
But Nixon's the worst president in history and alternate history.
The rest of you aren't voting for him, are you? Sure, we are! Why not? Of course! Spluh! He may not be perfect, but do we really want some unknown new guy? I'll stick with the evil maniac I know, thank you.
Well, I think we can do better.
This year, I'm going to get involved in the political process and make my voice heard.
What? Welcome to debate 3012, the 3,012th debate of the 3012 election year.
We have a crowded field of candidates, so I will dispense with the informal terrorizing and begin the questions.
Is this the political process? 'cause I'm here to get involved in it.
Silence! Question one: Will you pledge today to somehow reduce taxes while simultaneously lowering the deficit? Hey, that's a good idea.
Sure.
If it'll win me the election, then yes.
We have a saying up in Alaska.
That's all.
Senator Travers? Look, let's be honest here.
No one likes taxes, but they pay for our basic needs: Roads, schools, defense.
If we hope to realize our aspirations as a great planet, we must each pay our fair share to achieve those noble goals.
(Booing) Thank you, Senator.
A thoughtful and lucid answer.
You will be destroyed! Question two: The environment, yes or no? No.
It's junk science.
Two words: Condor attack.
Don't want that.
Got to say no.
Now, just a minute.
These are important issues.
We can't just reduce them to sound bites.
(Booing) According to reputable scientists (Booing) Enviromite! (Cheering) Hello? I'd like to volunteer.
Is anyone lurking? (Grunting) Hey, stop that.
Senator Travers? That's no way to win an election.
(Sighs) I give up.
No one cares about my message.
I never should have used the same pr guy as one hour hot dog.
(Slowly): People will wait for something good.
No, don't quit.
You have great ideas.
You just need to get them out there with social media.
(Device chirps) Look, I posted your debate video on Facebag.
That's more than most water-skiing squirrels get.
You really think I have a chance? Absolutely.
We just need to conceal your intelligence and honesty in a hipper, dumber package.
Well, what have I got to lose? I'm making you my new campaign manager.
You, out! You haven't heard the last of m Reporter: As the Iowa caucus approaches, the state's hippest citizens turned out for an old-fashioned flash mob.
Morbo: Chris Travers got a bump in the new Hampshire polls today, where he simuldined in 250 diners at once via hologram.
This pie at this diner is the best pie.
(Cheering) Reporter: Chris Travers wins the South California primary handily, thanks to a series of well-placed cameo appearances.
Morbo: Super Tuesday is in the books, with Eurasia, Australia and Kentucky turning out in big numbers.
With the race a dead heat, it's all come down to a final tally at the convention.
Calculon: And the first runner-up, who will take over if the nominee is caught with a dead girl, a live boy or any kind of sexy ghost Mr.
Greenland! (Gasps) (Applause) Which means our nominee is the Senator from the nation-state of Hawaii, Chris Travers! (Applause and cheering) He won the nomination! We the people did it! It wasn't "we the people".
It was you the mutant.
Your insightful nagging really won us over.
Yeah.
You explained his positions in a way even an idiot could understand.
And that appealed to me, for whatever reason.
Thanks, guys, but we have a lot of work ahead of us.
If we're going to win the election, we've all got to get involved.
You said it! That's right.
If you want my opinion, Nixon's only chance to defeat Travers is with filthy lies, dirty tricks and good old Quaker thuggery.
And I'm just the guy for the job.
(Laughs) (Both laugh) (Both howling) I'm not sure if it's safe to talk.
Are you wearing a wire? I'm 40% wire.
Excellent.
Now, listen.
We got to get some dirt on this Travers guy.
Really McGovern him up.
You know who McGovern was, right? I don't even know who you are.
Hello, dirt.
I'll start at "n" for nude pictures.
Aw, Nobel prize? That's no good.
How about "a" for adultery? What? Straight-a transcript? Travers: Hey, what's that rifling sound? Uh-oh.
(Gulps) (Moans) (Zipping) (Whirring) All right.
I'm going to catch Travers on video at this sleazy strip club.
In and out of the club That's a record.
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