So, there it is, people.
Due to budget cutbacks, we will no longer be offering free squid guts in the kitchen.
Oh, boo-hoo.
Everyone, look at my latest invention! Okay.
I like how it's not killing us so far.
It takes any object and makes two smaller copies.
All right! Why? You see, as I age, I've been shrinking and feeling colder.
So now I need twice as many sweaters, in a smaller size.
First, I scan the old sweater.
Then we add some matter.
Any old, useless matter will do.
Now the matter prism reorganizes the raw material into two smaller copies.
So, that's where baby sweaters come from.
Enclosed as a PDF attachment, a picture of yourself, in a boat, on a river.
It's a river that flows in two directions.
Make that three.
It's a magic river, that's how.
And it's flowing down the eerie canal to The Scary Door.
That's "eerie" with two E's.
Consider, if you have the energy, Dr.
Daniel Zenus, an inventor with a terminal case of"The Lazies.
" This robot will do everything for me.
Robot, activate yourself and do my research.
Ahh.
Next, assume my social obligations.
Dr.
Zenus, for a lifetime of scientific achievement, we present this award to your robot.
Daddy, I love you.
If only I'd programmed the robot to be more careful what I wished for.
Robot, experience this tragic irony for me.
No! Ahh.
Ahh.
Man, I wish we had a robot to do stuff.
I know, right? Bender, thank God I found you in time.
I need someone in the lab immediately to fold my new sweaters.
I'm sorry, do you see a robot in this room named "Folder"? Fortunately, I came prepared with a back-up phrasing.
Bender, would you mind bending my new sweaters? There's only two of them.
Wait.
You want me to do two things? Man, I'd call my lawyer if dialing a phone wasn't such a hassle.
Razza frazza two things.
Ooh, razza frazza duplicator.
Now for some tasty matter.
Howdy, fellas.
I'm Bender.
Go to hell, old man! I like your attitude.
Let's party.
But first, fold these two sweaters.
I'm sorry, do you see a robot in this room named "Folder"? Damn, you're cute.
Hi.
I'm Bender.
This is my robot Bender, and this is my other robot Bender.
Oh, Lord.
They're 60% scale replicas of me, Bender.
Does that mean they only do 60% of the work you do, or that they actually do more work because they're only Shut up.
That's a good one.
Enough good ones, everyone.
We have a delivery to an alien space giant.
You'll have to be respectful.
This customer is 50-feet tall and sensitive about his appearance.
Colossal tooth whitener, mega deodorant, humungous acne cream, aww, and one regular-sized condom.
All that and a small wiener? This guy's got it goin' on! Remember, don't show any reaction to his appearance.
I hope that's vanishing cream, 'cause that needs to go away.
That's cold-blooded! Shh! It's okay.
I understand.
My unusual appearance makes people nervous.
You used humor to defuse the tension.
Yep, and there's still a little more tension.
So, look out! You so ugly, when trick-or-treaters come to your house, they give you candy.
You so ugly, when you go to the bank, they ask you to put on a ski mask! You so ugly, you cracked The Daily Mirror.
It's a newspaper! I wish it weren't so, but many of these things are true.
Anyhow, you've lowered my self-esteem a bit more, but I'm sincerely grateful you came all this way to deliver my fungus chisel.
Don't feel bad, sir.
It's not your fault.
You probably just inherited your appearance from your mother.
What? No one insults my mama! God, shield your eyes! It's like Edward James Olmos on IMAX! Did you see his face when I said he so ugly? No, I blacked out, 'cause he so ugly! Hey, guys, quit reminiscing and grab me two cigars.
One thing each? Sounds fair.
Wait, make that four cigars.
You want us to do four things? My Manwich! What's up, shorty? And that's the story of how one of me became two, and two became four, making seven total.
The end.
I just like having the end locker.
It's not like Amy cares about it at all.
But no, she won't trade with me.
A rat! Yes, she is a rat.
No, look! Which way to the tiny hookers? A big, fat roach! What? I thought I put that away.
No, there! Who are you? Bender sent me.
Hey, I know that guy.
Scruffy, what is that tiny Bender doing in my soup? It appears to be giving you the finger, sir.
Enjoy.
Help me, help me! I'm too lazy to escape! Ow! What? This place is crawling with yous! So there's more Benders around.
As far as I'm concerned, that's good news.
Bad news, everyone.
Look at this infinite series representing the mass of successive generations of Benders.
Don't wait for me.
It's non-convergent! Oh, dip! Unless we quickly exterminate them, they'll replicate ad Infinitum and consume all the matter on Earth.
According to my calculations, there are 11 generations at the moment.
That's 2,046 total Benders we need to destroy.
Wait, does that include me? Too bad he didn't have his own Bible.
Just 2,045 more to go.
Creatures have taken over my house They want my food and my skin and my time Little frogs are okay but the slugs on the rug Send me out of my mind There's no place else that I can go The only thing I can turn to is Rock 'n'Roll Pest Control A- wha-ho A- wha-ho Wha-ho Rock 'n'Roll Pest Control A- wha-ho A- wha-ho Wha-ho Rock 'n'Roll Pest Control All right! Two thousand forty five, 2,046.
That's it.
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