Tale of Two Santas In true Winter tradition, members|of the Zarlon 7 Polar Bear Club today took the plunge|into a river of liquid ammonia.
- There Were no survivors.
|- It takes all kinds.
NoW, With his annual message, here's|the head of the Xmas Safety Council: - The head of Walter Cronkite.
|- Season's Warnings.
This guy's too trustworthy.
|What's his angle? In all the tinsel and terror|of the holiday season We underestimate that murderous|brute knoWn as Santa Claus.
With images of last year's Gingerbread|Massacre baked into our memories I remind you to bolt your doors,|say goodbye to your pets and lock your children|in the closet.
This is Walter Cronkite saying,|"I told you so.
" Sacred boar of Western Samoa!|We must secure for Santa's arrival! Fine.
I'm getting tired|of this wood show.
Cover that fireplace! I've only a few years to live.
|I don't want to spend them dead.
- We're pushing as hard as we can.
|- Oh! Pushing.
We're doomed.
|Every year we're doomed.
Thanks be I had these|bulletproof shutters installed.
Bring it on, Santa.
That vicious|cadaver-junkie can't touch us as long as we're not stupid enough|to leave this building.
In a related matter,|you'll deliver this sack of letters directly to Santa|at his death fortress on Neptune.
These letters are real butt-nutters.
|Listen to this.
"Dear Santa " Please, please don't bring me|any gifts.
The bicycle you fired at me last year|from your bike gun tore up my insides.
Awful! Let's read some more.
|"Dear Santa " Please bring me a coffin for Grandpa.
You choked him With a chestnut last|year, and he's beginning to smell.
In my day, Xmas was supposed to bring|people together, not blow them apart.
Sure, but who's gonna do anything|about it? Not us.
No, sir.
Yes, us.
We've got to bring back|the kind of Xmas I remember.
Fry's right.
It's time|to sit on Santa's lap, and hard! Look, a cute little welcoming party.
- Want to buy a tiny kidney?|- I'll let you punch me for a buck.
Look, we've got mail for Santa.
|Are you his elves? - No, we're Neptunians.
|- We're tiny because he won't feed us.
You hit me.
You owe me a dollar.
Got any food? Old tea bags,|chewed gum, apple cores? - We're starving here!|- You live in a gingerbread house.
- It's food or shelter, not both.
|- Don't you get paid for making toys? - Who said toys?|Toys? False alarm, folks.
There's no toys made.
|Santa says everyone is naughty.
That's it! I'm delivering my boot|up Santa's chimney.
- Where is he?|- There, in his ice fortress.
We'll need help getting in.
|Any volunteers? - I'll help you.
|- Oh, phooey! - An omen?|- Dinner.
Let's see who's been naughty|and who's been naughty.
Mobsters beating up a shopkeeper|for protection money.
Very naughty.
Shopkeepers not paying protection|money.
Exactly as naughty.
I saw that! - Huh?|- We brought your mail.
Don't you ever knock? Who knows what naughty things|I could be watching? - I get New Orleans on this thing.
|- Don't kill us! Santa's a robot.
We should be able|to destroy him with a logical paradox.
Bender, you better cover your ears.
Holy night! Intruders! Hold it, Santa.
Consider this: You are programmed|to destroy the naughty.
But many of those you destroy|are in fact nice.
I submit that you are naughty.
So,|logically, you must destroy yourself.
- Yay!|- Yay! Nice try, but my head was built with|paradox-absorbing crumple zones.
Wait! This is what we're running from.
Faster! Faster! - Why aren't we moving?|- I don't know.
Usually when I do stuff like this|the ship moves.
Ho, ho- Huh? - He's trapped.
|- Hooray! - Now we can make toys again!|- Toys! Toys! Toys! And I can deliver them.
|Billions and billions in one night.
- No human could do all that.
|- Evel Knievel could.
- Nuh-uh.
|- Santa's right.
We need some sort of robot.
Crap! I'm some sort of robot.
Hooray! Hooray! Hooray! Bender can't be Santa.
He wasn't|built to Yuletide specifications.
I wasn't built to steal Leela's purse|either, but that didn't stop me.
- Bender!|- Bow before your new Santa.
Our hero! We are free and fairly sober|With so many toys to build The machines are kind of tricky|Probably someone Will be killed But We gladly Work for nothing Which is good|Because We don't intend to pay The elves are back to Work today|Hooray We have just a couple hours|To make several billion gifts - And the labor isn't easy|- Then you'll all Work triple shifts You can make the job go quicker|If you turn the controls to super speed - It's back to Work on Xmas Eve|- Hooray And though you're cold, sore and ugly|Your pride Will mask the pain - Let my happy smile Warm your hearts|- There's a toy lodged in my brain We are getting aWfully tired|And We can't Work any faster We're very, very sorry You selfish little bastards|The kids Will think Santa is a jerk Then shut your yaps and back to Work NoW it's very nearly Xmas|And We've done the best We could - These are poorly painted|- And made from inferior Wood I should give you all a beating|But I have to fly If I Weren't stuck here|I'd harpoon you in the eye NoW it's back to our tenements|To droWn ourselves in rye You did the best you could|Some of these gorillas are okay - Hooray!|- We're adequate! The elves have rescued Xmas Day|Hooray Gee, how are you|gonna get through these bars? I don't know, moron.
|Suppose I bend them? Okay.
Mommy! Santa's through the perimeter! Kids, take your suicide pills|so you won't suffer! No, wait! I'm the good Santa.
|I've got toys at reasonable prices.
He's the father of all lies|and the uncle of all tricks! - I've come bearing Tri-Ominos.
|- Go for the shins! Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow! One down Well, hello there, handsome.
|Won't you have a cookie? Don't mind if I do.
What's in these things? Why don't you slip into something|more fiery? Ow! Whoa! Ow! Ah! Ah! Ooh.
Ow.
Yo, Kringle,|what happened to you, dog? It's awful, Kwanza-Bot.
|Everyone hates me.
At least they understand you.
|Nobody's down with this Kwanza tip.
- Hey, maybe you can lend me a hand.
|- No time.
I gotta hand out the Kwanza book.
I've been giving these out|for 647 years.
热门英文电视剧
老友记 Friends摩登家庭 Modern Family绝望主妇 Desperate Housewives破产姐妹 2 Broke Girls权利的游戏 Game of Thrones黑镜 Black Mirror爱,死亡和机器人 Love, Death & Robots杀死伊芙 Killing Eve第二十二条军规 Catch-22神盾局特工 Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.豆瓣高分英文剧
瑞克和莫蒂 Rick and Morty老友记 Friends火线 The Wire怪诞小镇 Gravity Falls探险活宝 Adventure Time with Finn and Jake无耻之徒(美版) Shameless飞出个未来 Futurama欢乐一家亲 Frasier 成长的烦恼 Growing Pains兄弟连 Band of Brothers飞哥与小佛 Phineas and Ferb风骚律师 Better Call Saul少年正义联盟 Young Justice亿万 Billions咱们裸熊 We Bare Bears副总统 Veep鬼屋欢乐送 Ghosts伦敦生活 Fleabag绅士杰克 Gentleman公关 Flack梅尔罗斯 Patrick MelroseCopyright © 2021 TaiCiShe.com 版权所有。 联系我们