- Hi.
- Hi! Hi, Ben.
- Hi.
- We have a bathroom emergency.
Go ahead.
Before we do, are any of Joey's special "romance" magazines in there? - No.
- Okay, all clear.
Thanks, Phoebe.
That's Rachel.
But whatever.
Could you do me a big favor? I have a meeting at the dean's office.
Can you watch Ben for an hour? - What about Monica? - She isn't home.
So it would just be me alone? Ben would be there.
What's the matter? I've never done that before.
Me and him, alone.
He's not an ex-con.
Okay, okay .
- What do I do with him? - I don't know, talk to him.
Entertain him.
Keep him alive.
- Okay.
- Ben, come here.
I'm gonna leave you here with Aunt Rachel for about an hour, okay? Gonna be okay? - I think so.
- I wasn't talking to you.
The One With the Truth About London What about the second minister? I kind of liked him.
- You mean the spitter? - Come on.
He wasn't that bad.
Easy for you to say, you'd be wearing a veil.
- And the third guy? - He kept staring at your chest.
Can you blame him? I don't like the idea of me saying, "I do" while he's thinking, "I'd do it too.
" - Well, then we still have a problem.
- With what? We need someone to perform our wedding but they're all boring or annoying or keep staring at the ladies.
You should have one of us do it.
We're getting "married" married, not "6th-grade" married.
No, it's a real thing.
Anyone can be ordained on the Internet and perform weddings and stuff.
I call it! What? It was my idea! Thank you very much, but neither of you is marrying us.
Does calling it not mean anything anymore? We're having a legitimate clergy member.
And when I say legitimate, I mean gay and in control of his saliva.
Ben, you know, when you were a baby we'd hang out all the time.
I was your daddy's girlfriend.
But you're not anymore.
- No, I'm not.
- Because you guys were on a break Hey, we were not on a - When's my daddy coming back? - Fifty-two minutes.
So no brothers or sisters, huh? You know what, I had two sisters and we just tortured each other.
- Really? Like how? - Well, you know, we would, um we'd repeat everything the other said or we'd jump out of closets to scare each other or switch the sugar with salt so they put salt on their cereal.
That's a good one.
- Yeah, you like that one? - Yeah, you're funny.
I'm funny? Oh, thank God.
Well, hey, I got a ton of these.
You take a quarter and you blacken the edge, right? And then you say, "I bet you can't roll this quarter to your chin without it leaving your face.
" And when they do it, they're left with a line down the center of their face.
Can I do it to you? I'm funny, Ben, but I'm not stupid.
So did you find anyone to marry you yet? No, but "Horny for Monica" minister called wondering if we're still together.
- We'll never find anybody.
- Then let me do it.
- Joey - I've been thinking.
I'm an actor, so I won't get nervous in front of people.
I won't spit and I won't stare at Monica's breasts.
Everyone knows I'm an ass man.
- That's true.
- The most important thing is, it won't be some stranger who barely knows you.
It'll be me.
And I swear, I'll do a really good job.
Plus, I love you guys and it would really mean a lot to me.
Might be kind of cool.
- So I can do it? - Yeah, you can do it.
All right! Okay! Okay, I gotta get started on my speech.
Wait a minute.
Internet ministers can have sex, right? Coming.
I have a bone to pick with you.
- Uh-oh.
- Yes.
Ben learned a little trick.
- Oh, did he pull the old? - That's right, that's right.
Saran wrap on the toilet seat so the pee goes everywhere.
- Oh, that.
- Yeah, that.
You know I hate practical jokes.
They're mean, they're stupid and I don't want my son learning them.
Saran wrap on the toilet seat? Isn't that just a little funny? - I was barefoot.
- Oh.
Tell me, the toilet thing is the only thing you taught him, right? Yes.
- Hey.
- Say hello to Reverend Joey Tribbiani.
- You got ordained? - Yeah.
Just got off the Internet.
Man, there's a lot of porn out there.
Our minister.
I started on what I'm gonna say for the ceremony.
Want to hear it? Listen, this is just the first draft, so .
"We are gathered here today on this joyous occasion to celebrate the special love that Monica and Chandler share.
It is a love based on giving and receiving as well as having and sharing.
And the love that they give and have is shared and received.
And through this having and giving and sharing and receiving we too can share and love and have and receive.
" Should we call the spitter? - Hey, Rachel.
- Hi.
What a surprise.
What are you doing here? I was just in the neighborhood and I passed by your building and thought, "What's up with Carol and sweet little Ben?" - That's nice.
Well, come on in.
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