Ross, she wants you.
We just live in the same building.
-Any contact? -She lent me an egg.
-You're in! -Right.
Hey, Ross.
Come on.
Get back in the game.
The Rachel thing isn't happening, your ex-wife's a lesbian.
I don't think we need a third.
Could we get an egg, still in the shell? An egg? Go up to her and say, "I'm returning your egg.
" I think it's winning.
-It's insane.
-She'll love it.
-Thank you.
-Thank you.
Here.
Go with the egg, my friend.
Go, go, go! -Think it'll work? -No way.
It's suicide.
The One With The Candy Hearts -You can't do this.
-Do what? -Roger wants to take her out.
-No! Remember why you dumped him? Because he was creepy.
And mean.
And frightening.
Still, it's nice to have a date on Valentine's Day! You can go out with a creep any night.
I know I do.
-What are you doing tomorrow night? -That depends on how tonight goes.
-About tonight -Don't you bail on me! I said I'd bring a friend for her friend.
-But her friend sounds like a -Pathetic mess.
I know, but.
Come on.
She's needy, vulnerable.
I'm thinking.
Thanks.
You haven't been out with a woman since Janice.
You're doing this.
-She said yes.
-Way to go, man! Still got the egg, huh? How do I look? I don't care.
There's Lorraine.
No trading.
You get the pretty one, I get the mess.
Hi, Joey.
Well, well! Look what you brought! Very nice.
And what did you bring? She's checking her coat.
I'm gonna wash the cab smell off of my hands.
Get me a white zinfandel, and a glass of red for Janice.
Janice? Janice!? Oh my God! Hey, it's Janice! Okay, I'm making a break for it! I've been waiting for, like, forever to go out with Lorraine.
-Just calm down.
-Calm down? You set me up with a woman I've dumped twice in the last five months! Can you stop yelling? You're making me nervous and.
I can't go when I'm nervous.
I'm sorry, you're right.
Come on! Do it, do it! Roger was creepy, but he was nothing compared to Pete.
-Who? -Pete the Weeper.
The guy that used to cry every time we had sex? "Was it good for you?" I'd take crying any day over Howard, the "I win" guy! "I win! I win!" We went out for two months.
I didn't win once.
How do we end up with these jerks? We're some kind of magnets.
I know I am.
That's why I can't wear a digital watch.
There's more beer, right? You know my friend who shaves her head? No.
I have this friend who shaves her head.
She says to break the bad boyfriend cycle you can do a cleansing ritual.
Pheebs, this woman is voluntarily bald.
Yeah.
We can do it tomorrow night.
It's Valentine's Day.
It's perfect.
Okay, what kind of ritual? We can burn the stuff they gave us.
Or? Or we can chant and dance around naked with sticks.
Burning's good.
You know I can pick up quarters with my toes.
Yeah? Good for you.
Quarters or rolls of quarters? By the way, I cut you out of all of my pictures.
So if you want, I have a bag with just your heads.
That's okay.
You could make little puppets out of them.
And you could use them in your Theater of Cruelty! -We can't do that! -What? What can't you do? Can I talk to you for a second? Over there? We might be leaving now.
Tell me it's you and me "we.
" She wants to slather my body with stuff and lick it off.
I'm not even sure what slathering is! But I definitely want to be a part of it! Okay, you cannot do this to me.
You're right.
I'm sorry.
Can we have three chocolate mousses to go? I'm out of here.
Here's my credit card.
Dinner's on me.
I hope she throws up on you.
Thanks.
-So.
-Just us.
What a crappy night! I have enjoyed the fact that your shirt's been sticking out of your zipper.
Excuse me.
How you doing? So do we have the best friends, or what? Joey's not a friend.
He's a stupid man who left us his credit card.
Another drink? Dessert? A big-screen TV? -I'll have a drink.
-Got it.
Good woman! -A bottle of overpriced champagne.
-Each.
That's right, each.
And a rob roy.
I've always wanted to know.
Happy Valentine's Day! Oh, I miss you already.
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