ZACH [ON RECORDER]: Janet from Seattle, you're in bed - with Dr.
Zach.
ROZ: Oh, yeah.
ZACH: How can I make you feel better? [ROZ LAUGHING] JANET [ON RECORDER]: My husband isn't the man he was, if you know what I mean.
And it's ruining our marriage.
ZACH: Are you sure it's just his fault? The signs on Love Street don't all point one way.
[LAUGHING] Come on.
This is the competition? Dr.
Zach? Please, it's nothing but suggestive, smarmy sleaze.
- And he's great at it.
- Roz.
You know, I tell you what.
I give this guy four, five weeks tops.
He's been on the air ten weeks, and frankly, we're getting spanked.
Oh, he did a whole show on that yesterday.
FRASIER: Stop it.
So, well, all right, he's the new flavour of the month.
We've seen them come and go before.
Dr.
Mary.
Professor Hugs.
On the Couch with Jeff and Lars.
I don't know, doc.
I think this guy's got staying power.
- He did a show on that Tuesday.
- Cut it out, Roz.
Hey, you know, maybe we should try some of those theme shows.
Actually, we have done theme shows.
You know, I still get letters about the show we did on existential angst.
- No, we don't.
- I get them at home.
Well, I'm just saying it wouldn't hurt to spice things up a little.
You know, mention people's privates once in a while.
Absolutely not.
My show is fine the way it is.
What it needs is a little support from this station.
How about some advertising? Whoa, whoa, I don't wanna just throw money at the problem.
- Thirty seconds, Frasier.
- Right, right.
Well, then how about airing some more promos on my lead-in? They get a sizeable audience.
They do.
That's why we're moving them to evening drive time.
- You mean I'm their lead-in now? - Yeah, they're not too happy about it.
And we're back for the final hour of The Frasier Crane Show.
Our next caller is Garth from Mercer Island.
Go ahead, Garth, I'm listening.
GARTH [OVER PHONE]: This is weird talking about to a psychiatrist, but it is something couples go through, and since I'm not using my real name, maybe it's okay.
It's our household budget.
Any more sausage, Daph? I told you five links ago, you're cut off.
Oh, come on.
I'm being good.
I took my cholesterol pill.
Yes.
That was the last one.
You better call Dr.
Stewart.
Oh, he'll make me go through a whole physical just to get a refill.
Hey, Niles.
Couldn't you write me a prescription? - Oh, I can't, Dad.
Sorry.
- Why not? I don't have your chart.
I'm not familiar with your history.
Oh, come on, you see me every day.
You know I'm fine.
Just get your little pad out and write "more pills.
" What is the big deal? Why do you hate going to the doctor so much? - Everybody does.
- Not my brother Billy.
He loved going to the doctor's.
From the time he was a little boy, he'd start getting undressed in the car.
And, mind you, that was just for the dentist.
As he got older, he volunteered for medical studies.
Supported himself getting all sorts of experimental drugs pumped into him.
- Think she's finished? - Wait for it.
One year, he grew little boobies.
NILES: Hey there.
- Ah! MARTIN: Fras.
- Good morning, all.
Dear God.
Do you believe this? Ugh.
NILES: What? - A full-page ad.
"Cuddle up with Dr.
Zach.
" Yes.
As if some airbrushed picture of a pretty boy has anything to do with effective therapy.
He is awfully cute.
Mm.
Yet not so much you hate him for it.
All right, you know, that's the reason I keep losing to him in the ratings.
His station keeps flooding the marketplace with this useless tripe.
It's my turn now.
I'm gonna call my agent.
Let her earn her ten percent.
Tell you what, once Bebe gets through with the station, my face will be splattered all over this city.
That Bebe is a monster.
I don't know why you chose her.
Yeah, what possessed you? Oh, right, she did.
Yes, well, Bebe's evil, but she's my evil.
Better bring a newborn baby in case she gets hungry.
Frasier, all this over a picture in the paper? It seems a little petty.
FRASIER: It is not petty.
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