- Hey, Frasier.
- Oh, hi, Roz.
Checking out the personal ads, huh? Actually, I'm looking at the want ads.
I'm trying to find a housekeeper.
Now that Daphne is Niles' girlfriend, it doesn't feel right for me to ask her to pick up after me anymore, so It's awfully difficult finding someone, though.
It's hard getting what you want these days, isn't it? Indeed.
But you can still find convenience and value if you know where to look.
- Dear God, what are you selling? - Wrapping paper.
It's a fundraiser for Alice's school.
- Well, at least it's a worthy cause.
- Yeah.
All right, let's have a look.
Oh, that one's too garish.
I don't like this one either.
Ooh, I'm certainly not crazy - about Garfield.
- Oh, give me that.
You're getting five rolls of Peace on Earth and thanks for your support.
Roz.
Macchiato.
Make it a doppio.
FRASIER: Niles.
Niles, please, whatever's wrong, the answer doesn't lie at the bottom of an espresso cup.
It's Mel again.
Oh, Lord.
Still making you humiliate yourself at social functions while she plays the long-suffering wife? I'm afraid so.
But she said a couple more weeks and I'll have my divorce.
She said that two weeks ago.
What was it this time? Well, we attended Colonel Turner's very large, very high-Episcopalian funeral.
During the course of which, my cell phone rang repeatedly.
I was not allowed to answer it.
And Mel had set the ringer on "La Cucaracha.
" - Oh, Niles, I'm so sorry.
- Oh, it's all right.
No, I called you twice.
Well, I ruined quite a sendoff.
There was an honour guard, the colonel's butler seating people.
- Two archbishops presiding - Did you just say butler? Oh, yes, I know.
An honest-to-goodness English butler.
The colonel was a bit of an anachronism.
Oh, yes.
It's amusing, really.
I suppose this butler saw to the colonel's every need.
Oh, yeah, and clipped his cigars, poured his scotch.
Laid out his clothes for him and served him his meals.
- I saw him first.
- You had a gardener and maid.
- Never a butler.
It's my dream.
- It's my turn.
Daphne won't have to clean anymore.
I tip my cap, sir.
Ah.
Ferguson, is it morning already? - Indeed, sir.
I trust you slept well.
- Best sleep I've had in years.
- Excellent.
Your coffee, sir.
- Thank you.
To think I was sceptical when you said these pillows could be better arranged.
Yes.
Preparing a suitable sleeping environment is one of the first tasks I learned at my father's knee.
- Oh, your father also buttled? - Oh, yes, sir.
Even my father's father was a gentleman's gentleman.
Ha-ha.
That's a good one, Ferguson.
Thank you, sir.
It's one of my staples.
Will it be breakfast en suite today, sir? No, I believe I'll join the rest of the household.
Very good, sir.
Thank you, Ferguson.
You spoil me.
Keep it up.
Good morning, Dad, Daphne.
- Fras.
Where's Lord Weirdo? - Good morning.
Dad, his name is Ferguson.
[PHONE RINGING] Good morning, Dr.
Crane's residence.
Oh, good morning, Dr.
Crane.
Well, thank you, sir.
Your phone manner is also delightful.
- It's Dr.
Crane for you, miss.
- Oh, thank you.
Hello, Niles.
Oh, yes.
- Dear God.
- What's wrong? That politicking Alan Murchie has just been elected president of the opera board.
Yeah, I'll never forget where I was when I heard the news.
This pinhead is president, I can't even get on the board.
And what will you be sending to congratulate Mr.
Murchie, sir? Curses and epithets is all he'll get from me.
FERGUSON: Quite right.
However, a well-chosen gift might draw the eye of Mr.
Murchie as he considers a replacement for his now-vacated seat on the board.
Well If it will make you happy, Ferguson, let's send him a bottle of Chateau Beliveau.
If I may, sir, I've overheard Mr.
Murchie speak fondly of the family villa in Umbria.
He may consider a wine from that region especially thoughtful.
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