Well, I feel really stupid.
I just came on to the guy in the tux.
They really should make waiters wear nametags.
Yes, Roz, carrying trays and taking drink orders leaves so much room for ambiguity.
Shut up.
I think it's going pretty well, don't you? Do you think anyone's suspicious? No, it's the greatest phoney reception I've ever been to.
So how are you holding up? If I have to stretch my muscles into a smile one more time, I think my face may crack.
MEL: Niles.
- Yes, darling! It's time to cut the cake, so why don't you just gather everyone around? - Okay.
- All right.
Excuse me, I'm sorry, I need to borrow Frasier for just one moment.
Oh, sure.
Uh, Frasier, I had an interesting little phone call from Donny this afternoon.
- Oh? - Yes.
He said you'd been by to see him earlier today.
I may have done so.
Yes, he said you were a busy little bee before the wedding, first buzzing in Niles's ear and then you were buzzing in Daphne's ears - Let me explain.
Now, you see - Buzz, buzz Now Now please Just stop that, please! You see, I've been torturing myself trying to figure out how this all happened so quickly, and now I know.
I won't forget this.
- What was that all about? - Donny talked to Mel.
- Told you not to go down there.
- Oh, Dad, stop it! MEL: Attention, everyone.
Before we cut the cake, Niles's brother Frasier would like to make a toast in our honour.
I didn't know you were doing this.
Neither did I.
Well, uh Love is an awesome force.
It can make us do things we never imagined were possible.
For you see, we don't actually choose love.
It chooses us.
And once it has, we are powerless to do anything about it.
Ladies and gentlemen, raise your glasses with me in toasting my brother and the love of his life, for she is truly the woman of his dreams.
And my father and I couldn't be more thrilled with his choice.
To the happy couple.
[CROWD CHATTERS] Well, wasn't that clever of your brother? It's only too bad your little English muffin wasn't here to enjoy it as well.
Which reminds me, you do realise that while we are pretending to be married, you absolutely cannot be seen in public with Daphne.
- L - I love you too, honey.
Hello? Hello, is anybody home? MARTIN: Hey, Simon.
Just making coffee.
You want some? I was thinking of something colder with a bit more of an amber hue.
MARTIN: Beer? - Brilliant! If you aren't the finest detective in Seattle, I am the prince of Wales.
MARTIN: How did Eddie like his walk? The little nipper loved it.
Oh, I think nature's calling him again.
His bladder's worse than mine.
I'll be back in a flash.
MARTIN: Okay.
Was that Simon's voice I heard? Yeah, he just took Eddie on a walk for me.
Well, about time that chowderhead made himself useful.
Oh, don't be so hard on him.
He tries.
[DOORBELL RINGS] Yes, well, if you're talking about my patience, he certainly does.
- Ah.
Niles, come on in.
- Frasier.
Oh, hey, Dad, about a block from here I saw a dog that looked remarkably like Eddie tied up outside a bar.
- Impossible.
He was just here.
NILES: Oh.
So, uh, did you say anything to her? No, no, you told us not to.
Want us out of here? No, I think I'll be safer with witnesses.
- Niles, I didn't hear you come in.
- I just got here.
DAPHNE: Hey.
- Hey.
- How are you today? - Wonderful.
I realised that postponing our date one day doesn't really amount to much in the great scheme of things.
- So how was your wedding reception? - Oh, it was your average night in hell.
Well, that's behind us now.
We have a wonderful evening to look forward to.
I bought a new dress.
It's much too expensive, but you're worth it.
And I'm getting my hair done and my Why are you looking at each other like that? We're not looking at each other like that.
Like what? Like anything.
MARTIN: Uh-uh.
DAPHNE: Yes, you were.
Those darty little glances mean something's up.
Niles? - About tonight - I hate the way this is starting.
Mel feels that as long as she and I are acting like we're married, you and I can't be seen together in public.
- So that means - I know what that means.
It's just until the divorce.
- Whenever that bloody is.
- Daphne If you'll excuse me, I have a splitting headache.
NILES: You know, if you look at it from Mel's point of view, it really does make a lot of sense.
He came so close.
- What did you say? - I said, "Damn that Mel.
" No, you didn't.
You should have, but you didn't.
Sounded to me like you were taking her side.
All right, could we turn the clock back two minutes and pretend this never happened? Why don't we just turn it back to 10 minutes before my wedding and save everybody all this trouble? NILES: What are you saying? - What do you think I'm saying? Sounds like you're saying you're sorry you did this.
- Maybe that's what I'm saying.
- Oh, boy.
Before anybody says something they'll regret Butt out! If you hadn't opened your mouth, we wouldn't be in this mess.
Donny wouldn't be suing me and everyone else in sight.
And I wouldn't be out two weeks' salary for a new dress I'm apparently never going to wear.
And you wouldn't be kowtowing to that shrew of a wife of yours.
- This is all my fault? - Oh, shut up, Frasier.
The only thing more hollow than your protest of innocence is your big, fat head! I am wounded! I intervened only out of love and caring about the two people Oh, put a sock in it.
I am sick of listening to you yammering on about everything under the sun.
- Daphne - And I'm sick of listening to you too.
You got anything to say, old man? Good! [DOOR SLAMS] I'm waiting.
For what? An apology for that unprovoked broadside you levelled at me.
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