This is a bad sign.
She's only five minutes late.
Five? I thought it was two.
She's doing this intentionally.
She's playing mind games.
She's hoping to undermine my confidence so she'll have the advantage.
Yeah, but you're showing her.
I'm sorry I'm late.
What's wrong with Niles? Oh, he's in a tizzy because Mel's late.
Dear God, she's never late.
[NILES GASPING] Steady, Niles.
Nice job, Frasier.
So how did things go with Donny? I used every psychological trick in my bag to get myself added to the lawsuit.
NILES: That's unforgivable.
- Tell me about it.
NILES: No, that prune Danish that Dad dropped down here last Thursday is still here.
- Oh, I think I see Mel pulling in.
NILES: Don't panic.
Oh! Thanks for the moral support.
Don't let her see you here.
- If you need us, we'll be right up there.
- Thanks.
Hello, Mel.
Niles.
Please.
Well, here we are, our four-day anniversary.
- Mel, I never meant to - What, hurt me? If that were the case, you never would have run off with your little maid-whore leaving me holding the brochures to our honeymoon.
Technically, she's a physical therapist.
- You were saying? - If you think that l - Oh, Mel.
Here, here.
- No! I promised myself I wouldn't cry.
Damn it.
I want you to listen to me very carefully.
Last night, as I lay in bed, awake, I thought I'm either going to kill you or I'm going to kill myself.
Well, here you are, so I guess that leaves MEL: Will you shut up and let me finish? I realised that wouldn't solve anything.
So I've decided to make this as painless as possible.
You will have your divorce, Niles, and it will be quick and clean.
That's very generous.
Hold your applause.
There are some conditions.
As you know, I have a certain standing in my social circle that's important to me.
And having my husband of three days run off with some Cockney tart is a humiliation I'd prefer to avoid.
- Yes, I understand completely.
- Here's how this is gonna play out.
For the next few weeks, as far as the rest of the world is concerned, - we're still happily married.
- Check.
We will appear together in public at various social occasions.
- Check.
- In private, I don't wanna lay eyes on you.
Check, check.
And when a suitable amount of time has passed, I will file for divorce.
Well, it seems like you've thought of everything.
I have.
Here's the watch I was going to give you as a wedding gift.
Please wear it when we're together.
It's, uh Yes, it said "Forever yours", l I scratched it out with a screwdriver.
There's something else crudely carved here.
Ah.
Well, at least you were able to use that F from "forever.
" Maybe it's not gonna be so bad after all.
She just gave him a watch.
Isn't this all too typical? Niles leaves his wife for another woman, he gets a gift.
I try to do the right thing, I get Mr.
Chump and a lawsuit.
Frasier, I know you thought it was for the best, but I told you not to go see Donny, didn't I? Yes, you did.
- But you went down there, didn't you? - Yes, I did.
I told you not to screw around with lawyers.
All right, Dad.
- I told him not to go down there.
- Will you shut up? All right, there she goes.
So, Niles? Well, um, all things considered, not so bad.
In exchange for a neat and tidy divorce, all I have to do is play the doting husband at some social functions for a few weeks.
Well, that doesn't sound so bad.
What kind of social functions? Well, for instance, tonight is our wedding reception.
FRASIER: Dear God.
Well, since we eloped, some of Mel's colleagues decided to throw a little last-minute get-together to toast our nuptials.
Well, after Donny gets through with Frasier, you won't be the only one having your nuptials toasted.
Explain to me again how you and Mel masquerading as husband and wife is a good thing? - Well - If I may, Daphne, it's basically to give Mel a little wiggle room so she can get out this debacle with her dignity intact.
Well, what about Niles's dignity? Well, Maris got that in the divorce.
Ha-ha! Sorry, Niles.
[MOUTHS] That's funny.
- Would you like some sherry? - Yes, thanks.
FRASIER: Daphne? - Yeah, all right, I'll get your precious wedge of brie and your water crackers.
No.
I meant, would you like some sherry? Oh.
Love some.
Thanks.
Listen, Daphne, I know this is all very awkward, but if it speeds up the divorce process, avoids the misery I went through with Maris, isn't it worth it? Well Come on, snookums, we can get through this.
What do you say? What did you just call me? - Snookums.
- Snookums? It was an attempt at a pet name.
Well, if it's all the same to you, could we keep looking? Absolutely.
There's no rush whatsoever, truffles.
It's the chocolate, not the fungus.
- It's a work in progress.
- Yes.
FRASIER: Here you are.
- Thank you.
- Well, for you.
- Thank you.
Here is to better days.
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