Right.
Well, last year, Maris and I were actually making progress in couples therapy, when, to my dismay, I discovered that she and our therapist were - Oh, my God.
- That's right, they were This is the best corned beef I have ever tasted.
You've gotta have a bite of this.
Here.
- Come on, it's got spicy mustard.
- No, thanks.
- How about you? - Sorry, mustard allergy.
Mr.
Douglas, maybe we'll come back when you have more time.
No, no, no.
I got the gist.
Your wife was doing your shrink.
Now she's trying to bleed you with a long pre-trial, I get it.
- Who's her lawyer? - Lockhart and Whalen.
- Maria, get me Lockhart.
Or Whalen.
- Wait, wait, wait, you're calling them? Yeah, listen, could we just cut through the formalities here? Okay.
Niles, what you need is a guy like me representing you.
What you're in here is a street fight, and you gotta know who's covering your back.
So, what I guarantee you is this: You will never see me unprepared, you'll never see me intimidated, and you will never, ever see me throw in the towel.
- Understand? - I'd certainly hope not.
- I've got Geoff Whalen on line one.
- Okay, thank you.
- May I have a word with you? - Yes.
Whalen, Donny Douglas here.
I'm calling about Niles Crane.
Yeah.
I can't possibly let this man represent me.
I'll be humiliated.
Niles, you have got to hear this man out.
I'm sorry, this is exactly what you want in a lawyer, someone who's not afraid to show moxie.
He's an inch away from showing us the full moxie.
You're gonna get hit with a countersuit for an infliction of pain and distress.
You don't think I can win? You call York and McFadden, you see what those bastards had to pay for trying to pull this same crap on a client of mine.
Yeah, we're talking big numbers here, Whalen.
You haven't seen so many zeros lined up since Mr.
Spock had a book signing.
Yeah.
You gotta hear this.
Come here, come here.
Well, yes, of course, it's important to be reasonable.
I'm sure we can move a few things around and be ready for court by about next month.
- Mr.
Douglas? - Yeah? Does this mean you're now representing Niles Crane? That's exactly what that means.
And, Whalen, I'll be in touch about a discovery schedule.
Have a nice day.
- Mr.
Douglas, that was brilliant.
- Yes.
My goodness, almost makes me wish I was still married to Lilith.
Now, we're probably gonna get rolling sometime this week with depositions.
So, you know, pick a day, we'll get together, I will prepare you, but it's gonna be very low-key, casual, over dinner or something.
- You're due in court in ten minutes.
- Okay.
- And, Donny? - Yeah? Mustard.
Jeez, was that there the whole time? That's so embarrassing.
And, indeed, I had high hopes for Niles and Maris, as is witnessed by my wedding toast, in which I combined my heartfelt sentiments with apt quotations from Shakespeare, jazz great Louis Armstrong and the poet Catullus.
And so your answer would be, "Yes, I attended their wedding"? Once again, Frasier, could you try to keep your answers brief? - Well, l - Trust me, he did.
All right, all right, look, I'll try to do better.
I still don't understand why they're deposing Frasier before Niles.
They like to question friends and family first so they get as much information as they can to try to catch Niles in a lie.
They're also gonna allege that during the separation, Niles was wasteful with money.
She's calling me wasteful? Do you recall what she used to do when our dogs needed a shampoo? Yes, she'd fill the bathtub with Evian.
Half the time, she'd just get a new dog.
Anyway, look, Frasier, they might ask you if you witnessed any examples of Niles throwing money around.
And your answer would be? - Yes.
- No, no, no.
The answer is, "Not to the best of my recollection.
" - But I do recall, and I'll be under oath.
- Oh, please, not this again.
As you figured out, Frasier is a bit of a stickler when it comes to his ethics, and I applaud him for it.
- Oh, great.
- More coffee, anyone? No, thank you, Daphne.
I think I'm just about done here.
In fact, I've got a conference call back at the office.
I'm gonna check to see if that's still happening.
Why don't you see if there's questions we haven't done yet? - All right? - Oh, all right, all right.
No, we've done those, all right.
Oh, here's one: "Can you recall a specific incident where Maris lost her temper or behaved in a way you'd characterise as volatile or unstable?" You're kidding.
No Well, based on what? Oh, please.
- Something wrong? - No, it's okay.
No, thank you, thank you, Maria, no.
Maris' lawyers, they kill me.
All week long, it's been one desperate ploy after another.
- This is the best one yet.
- What is it? Oh, now they're claiming alienation of affection.
You're kidding me.
After what she did? Now they're saying that during the marriage, Niles was in love with another woman.
- Who? - Oh, you.
- Me? - Dear God.
That's absurd.
Have you ever heard anything so ridiculous? Well Not to the best of my recollection.
Why on earth would they think Dr.
Crane's in love with me? Oh, something about a country-club ball the two of you attended a few years back.
- This is all based on that? - Yeah.
You caused quite a stir on the dance floor or something.
Yeah, we were just putting on a show for his snobby friends.
You must have been convincing, because they're gonna subpoena you for deposition.
We can call their bluff right away, you can come tomorrow with Frasier.
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