Knock it off! - Okay.
- I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
First, I'd like to administer a dog personality-profile quiz I've developed.
My first questions are based on how you think Eddie might behave - if he were a human being.
- Oh, boy.
It's not a joke.
This is very serious.
If human Eddie were planning a dinner party, what might he serve? I'd say meat loaf.
But not the plain kind.
The one with that fancy tomato-soup glaze on top.
Might be a bit underdone, though.
He has trouble reaching the knobs on the stove.
Poached salmon.
I don't know why.
Interesting.
Question two.
What would you imagine human Eddie's first words to be? Well, I hope, "Give me a breath mint.
" I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
All right, next one.
What do you imagine would be human Eddie's favourite cologne? Aqua Velva.
It's a little strong, but I think he can pull it off.
Grey Flannel.
I don't know why.
Cologne? Well, actually, I think he would prefer toilet water.
Oh, by the way, same answer for favourite beverage.
I'm sensing a lot of hostility here.
I'm sorry.
I just don't see the point.
What is any of this telling you about Eddie? The point was not to learn about Eddie, but to learn about all of you.
And might I say, mission accomplished.
Well, perhaps now would be a good time for me to examine Eddie one-on-one.
Is there a room I can use? Oh, yeah.
My room.
Second on the right.
Eddie, after you.
This may take a while.
If Eddie were one of the Beatles, I think he'd be George.
I don't know why.
And yet she's never been committed.
I don't know why.
FRASIER: Okay, I'll say it.
What have they been doing in there for the last hour? He's probably just talking to him.
Eddie happens to be complex and interesting.
Oh, yes.
You must remind me to sit beside him at his next dinner party.
Well, be prepared.
He'll be up and down checking on that meat loaf.
SHAW: I have my diagnosis.
- Finally, the white smoke.
Eddie is indeed depressed.
Now, if, as you say, there's been no change in his routine, I can only surmise that he's reacting to someone else's unhappiness.
Is any one of you suffering from depression? - Not me.
- Well, I'm not depressed.
- Me either.
- I'm cheer personified.
Well, he's picking it up somewhere.
To be on the safe side, you should all be conscious of how you behave when you're in front of him.
Try to speak in pleasant, happy tones.
Goodbye, Eddie.
Call me in a few days, let me know how he's doing.
Okay.
Thanks for everything, doc.
Sorry to rush off, but I have a 4:00 appointment at the zoo.
There's a hyena there that won't even crack a smile.
See, I can joke too.
- Hold it.
- Oh, my God.
Roz, what's happened? I wanna kill myself.
Oh, hey, Roz, not in front of Eddie.
- What? - That gentleman that just left - was a dog psychiatrist.
- He said it'd be a good idea if we all had a happy tone when we're around Eddie.
So please, tell us, why do you want to kill yourself? Well, I went out with Dr Kagen, and we Everything was going so great that I almost forgot what he was.
MARTIN: What is he? - A gynaecologist.
Oh, gee.
I don't think I wanna hear any more about this.
All right, Roz, what happened? Well, we went upstairs to his apartment, and he poured a glass of wine and Well, do you know what a speculum is? Apparently, he was an avid collector of antique gynaecological equipment.
I've just gotten the signal from Roz that we're running out of time, so I'll skip ahead in our story.
If you ask me, the man's theory's a whole lot of hooey.
Who here has any reason to be unhappy? Well, mind you, I would never say this if it weren't for Eddie's sake, but comparatively speaking, Dr Crane, you have the most to be depressed about.
What with your separation from Mrs Crane and all.
Well, I'm not unhappy.
Besides, I don't even live here.
Oh, please, you're here more than I am.
You know, I hate to say it, but, Dad, if anybody's giving off unhappiness, I'm afraid it's you.
- Me? FRASIER: Yes.
You're the one who hasn't had a date in a year.
- Not to mention two failed marriages.
- And yet you did.
Well, I don't know, maybe I am not entirely happy.
Why should I be? My son lives across the country.
There's no woman in my life.
Maybe it is I who is making Eddie sad.
Oh, now, now, don't you take all the blame.
If I give my life a good once-over, I realize it's not all jam.
I've just lost the only boyfriend I've had in years, and the biggest thing in my life is that I got all my hair cut off months ago, - and no one's even mentioned it.
ALL: You got your hair cut off? Oh, shut up.
Daphne, maybe you were right earlier.
I'm not so happy.
Oh, maybe it's me.
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