FRASIER: I'm glad you came back with us.
I hope you had a good time.
Well, I can't tell you how much fun this has been.
Listen, now that you know the way, don't be a stranger, okay? Good night.
Who the hell was that? - He's not from the station? - I never saw him before.
He was table-hopping like crazy during the awards.
That's because he was our waiter.
Well, that's the last time I say, "Everybody back to my place.
" BULLDOG: Oh, who cares about that guy? This is a great night.
For you, maybe.
The rest of us lost.
Hey, it's not important whether you win or lose.
It's an honour just being nomi [LAUGHING] I couldn't get through that crap on stage.
I can't get through it now.
- Do you mind if I use your phone? FRASIER: No, not at all.
Who are you calling? It's midnight.
I promised my grandmother I'd leave her a message telling her how we did.
Hey, Gammy, it's Roz.
Guess what? I won again.
We're all here celebrating.
ALL: Yay.
ROZ: Listen, I gotta go.
It's getting crazy here, but I'll talk to you tomorrow.
Bye-bye.
You lied to Gammy? Well, she's old, and it makes her happy.
She smiled for a week when I won the Miss Seattle pageant.
You know, Roz raises a very interesting philosophical question.
Here we go.
Buckle up.
Is it always morally wrong to lie? Now, we are taught that it is.
But are there certain occasions where a lie would be acceptable? Yeah, like the lies you tell a chick in bed.
"You're the best I've ever been with.
" "Your thighs don't look that fat.
" "Don't worry, I've had a vasectomy.
" Hey, screw you guys! I'm an artist.
We live by different rules.
An argument can certainly be made that a lie is good when it spares someone unnecessary pain.
I'm reminded of Maris' brief flirtation with active wear when I assured her, "You look fine, darling, spandex is supposed to blouse.
" You know, Lilith actually told me the other day that Frederick has taken to lying.
Yes, he told all of his friends that Lilith is an alien.
It seems as good an explanation as any.
Yes, he also told them that she wears her hair in a bun to hide the third eye in the back of her head.
- How did Lilith find out? FRASIER: Well, apparently, she was driving him and two of his friends over to a Junior Mensa meeting.
She looked in the rear-view mirror and saw that they were making faces at the other cars.
So never have the words "I can see you" caused so much screaming and wetting of pants.
[LAUGHING] I did my share of fibbing too.
I once told my school chums I was born with a tiny embryonic twin attached to my hip.
Of course, they were horrified, and it didn't help my social life at all.
Oh, but for a while there it was nice having a sister.
Oh, remember in prep school when we were so desperate to avoid the President's Physical Fitness Test That we lit a match underneath the fire alarm, - and all the sprinklers went off.
- And we blamed that delinquent kid, - John Rajeski.
- Yes.
- You did what? - What's wrong? You two swore up and down to me that you never set off that alarm.
Well, of course, we weren't gonna tell you.
NILES: For heaven's sake, Dad, you can't be mad.
We were kids.
You know, the headmaster said it was you two.
I went there and raised hell with him.
I said, "My kids don't lie.
" Because of you, that Rajeski kid got expelled.
Expelled? Jeez, if we'd known that was gonna happen, - we would've told the truth.
- Not me.
He was a brute and a meanie.
FRASIER: You're right.
He used to make the most merciless fun of me because I always wore my gym shorts in the shower.
He used to call me shorts-in-the-shower boy.
Well, you don't have to be witty to be cruel.
I don't give a damn what that kid did.
Getting him expelled was worse.
I'm going to bed.
Good night, everybody.
- Good night.
FRASIER: Good night, Dad.
Well, I guess that brings an end to our little debate.
Apparently, there are no good lies.
Hey, hey, it's getting kind of heavy in here.
We gotta liven this place up, huh? Hey, I know.
Party games, huh? All right, doc, I'm gonna need a blindfold, some whipped cream and a glass coffee table.
What? Nobody here went to camp? - Forget it.
- Hold on.
These guys are no fun.
You know what? I know a great after-hours place where we can go get a few drinks.
Now you're talking.
Hey, if things go well, I know an after-after-hours place.
- I got the keys.
- You get the elevator, I'll get my coat.
You're on.
No good lies, my ass.
NILES: Good morning, Frasier.
- Oh, good morning, Niles.
Oh, dear God, it's finally happened.
This is the thanks I get for introducing you to my personal shopper.
I gave Rinaldo instructions to write down every article of clothing I've purchased so we could avoid this sort of calamity.
I didn't use Rinaldo.
This suit just caught my eye while I was shopping for shoes.
Oh! Well, why didn't you also take - my strong chin and swimmer's build? FRASIER: Oh, please.
- Obviously, we have to sit apart today.
- Oh, sit down! There's something I need to talk to you about.
Most people aren't as attuned to these things as you and I are.
I'm sure they won't even notice.
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