Boy, I can't get one thing that I want.
Dad, I'm sorry, but if I gave you one thing, God knows where it might lead.
Oh, God it's my childhood Christmases all over again.
Only now Mom isn't here to say, "Shut up, you'll hurt his feelings.
" Oh, don't be such a Grinch.
Ho, Ho, Ho! It works when you step on the mat.
Ho, Ho, Ho! It can say "Ho, Ho, Ho", "Merry Christmas", or "Happy Holidays.
" Yeah, well I hope it can say "Geronimo" because I'm going to throw him off the balcony! Well, I don't care what you think, it's not for you, it's for Frederick.
God, I suppose you're right, Dad.
I used to love this stuff when I was six.
By the time I was seven I started to have questions.
When I was eight I started spending a lot more time at the Bernsteins.
Well, I'm off to Joe's parents' house.
I see you've been busy in the kitchen.
Yes.
I'm bringing Grammy Moon's famous plum duff.
It's a still flour pudding boiled in a cloth bag.
Who gets to lick the bag? No.
You see, Grammy Moon had a secret ingredient.
She'd soak it for hours in rum, then ignite it in a blinding flash.
As soon as she came out of the kitchen with no eyebrows, we knew dessert was ready You know, to this day the smell of burning hair puts me in the holiday spirit.
Bye, Merry Christmas.
Merry Christmas.
You know, someone's got to go back down to the storeroom, there's still something missing.
You must be kidding, Dad.
My God, this place couldn't look any more ludicrous.
Once I saw how those white hairs on his chin looked like a beard, the rest of the idea just fell into place.
Niles.
Hello, Frasier I know, I know - "Shut up, we'll hurt his feelings.
" So, Niles, did you have a discussion with Maris? No, but! - I had an epiphany.
I realised, cutting off my funds is Maris's way of saying, "I love you!" She always uses money to get what she wants; ergo, this is proof she wants me back! What do you think? Ho, Ho, Ho! I think Santa's said it all for us.
Dad, you have to get out more.
You've started doing old lady things.
It's for Frederick! Oh, of course it is.
Oh, that reminds me, I don't want to impose, but may I ride with you to the airport to pick up Frederick? Of course you may, Niles.
Just have to wrap up his presents first.
So what did you get Freddie? Well actually dad, I ordered him the toy catalogue, from the special section called "Gifts for the Gifted.
" I got him the junior astronomy set, and the geology lab oh, and a fabulous thing called the "Living Brain.
" You get to paint each lobe a different colour, then you stuff it inside the Living Skull.
Hey, you know what kids really like? They've been advertising it like crazy on TV.
It's great.
The Outlaw Laser Robo Geek.
Its head lights up and it shoots death rays out of its eyes.
Yeah.
A little like that.
Listen Dad, I think I know what Frederick likes.
He's precocious, he needs to be challenged.
Oh, challenge him the other 364 days.
One day out of the year, indulge him.
Let him be a kid.
Dad, I'm sorry, if Frederick's anything like me, the kind of toys he'll like to play with are A kitchen set, a dollhouse and three kinds of Barbies! This is for a Franklin Crane from Kenibunkport God, you realise what this means?! Yes.
The Cranes of Maine have got your "Living Brain.
" No.
It means I don't have anything for Freddie.
God, I wanted everything to be so perfect.
Now he's going to have a horrible Christmas.
listen, it's OK.
There's a big toy store in the mall.
They're open late tonight.
Just don't worry about it.
Well, that's easy for you to say, Dad.
My God, it's Christmas Eve, the gifts I ordered are three thousand miles away, my son is due in an hour, and on top of it all I have to go to a mall! Ho, Ho, Ho! Oh, don't look at me, he said it.
A MALL AND THE NIGHT VISITORS Niles, customers are marauding through here like a pack of feral dogs.
Did you see that woman? She practically knocked me over on her way to the escalator.
Well, how about that woman near the cosmetics counter who tried to mace me? That was a cologne sample, Niles.
That's what they do.
Now listen, we've got five minutes.
We've got to find a sales clerk.
Oh well, good luck.
All right, we'd better find something ourselves, I guess.
Well hey, hey.
This looks amusing.
Niles, may I remind you we're looking for something educational? Oh, oh, oh, oh, it has buttons.
What's it doing? It's flashing.
Niles, please remember that Freddie tested in the highest percentile for cognitive skills and deductive reasoning.
What's it doing now? It's beeping, for God's sake! And as much as I'd like to inflict this on Lilith, I'm looking for fast and educational, all right? I wonder what else it does? Let's see if it protects your head! Ooh, here's something.
Look at this, look at this.
Oh, God.
It's called "Ecto Goo.
" Oh well, that sounds vaguely scientific but what could he possibly learn from that? Well, for starters, he can learn never to wear Armani to a toy store.
Let's see, I'll just have to remember what I ordered from the catalogue and look for that.
First, the "Living Brain.
" Living Brain? What kind of dork wants that? With any luck, the kind of dork who'll be operating on your prostate someday.
Frasier, Frasier, Frasier.
Look, look, look, there it is.
It's up on the shelf, it's up on the shelf.
Oh, marvelous.
Oh, Lord.
It's covered with dust.
The brain is dusty.
Could there be a clearer metaphor? Oh, Lord.
There's nothing in it.
Can I have it? It's an empty box, Ma'am.
I know, but I can put my son's Robo Geek in it.
You know how scared he'll be when he thinks he's getting something this nerdy? Oh God, this is hopeless.
We'll never find anything for Frederick.
Oh, Frasier.
Just give him a cheque.
But Niles, you can't give a cheque to a child.
That's what I'm giving him.
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