You'll ruin his concentration! He's on a stakeout to catch whoever's been pinching our newspaper.
He's been at it for over an hour! I must say, I can see why he was such a good policeman.
Yes, very impressive, isn't he? When he wakes up you must get him to tell you about his stint as security coordinator for Jimmy Hoffa! Dad, come on, rise and shine.
You fell asleep.
Ah yes, I see our newspaper thief has struck again! - Damn, he's good! - Come on in.
This morning, for the first time since our separation, Maris actually picked up the phone and called me! She needs a favour.
Well Niles, I think that's hardly cause to celebrate.
She called you just because she wants something? No, no, not "wants," Frasier.
"Needs.
" This is my chance to show her how necessary I really am to her, and all I have to do is fix one small problem! - What's the problem? - Uh, she's wanted by the police.
Apparently, she was driving past a shoe store last week, when she spotted a stunning pair of Ferragamo pumps.
Well, I need not remind you what effect a Ferragamo sighting can have on Maris's hand-eye coordination.
She drove up on the sidewalk, and when the police ran her name through the computer, they found quite a little backlog of unpaid parking tickets! What else would you expect from a woman who thinks her chocolate allergy entitles her to park in a handicapped space? Oh, and to top it all off she neglected to appear for her summons, and so they immediately swore out a warrant, and that brings us to you, Dad.
Why? You were a cop.
I'm sure you still have "chums," hint-hint? Who could lend you a hand, wink-wink? No.
Look, you know I'd do anything for you, but not this.
All my years on the force I never even fixed a ticket, let alone an arrest warrant.
- You couldn't pull one little string? - No, I hope everything works out for you, but I think the law should be the same for everyone.
Well, it's not.
We'd all like to believe that justice is blind, but the sad truth is, wealthy white women just can't get a fair shake! The courts love to make examples of them.
Oh, they do.
Just think of Zsa Zsa Gabor, or Leona Helmsley.
Oh yes, two perfectly lovely women victimized by an unjust system.
Alright, fine.
If you won't help me, I'll just have to help myself.
I'm going down to that precinct house, and I'm not leaving until I get justice.
Well, not exactly justice, I suppose, more like preferential treatment, but I'm not leaving 'til I get it! What a horrible thing to happen.
Can you picture poor Mrs.
Crane confined to a jail cell? Only if they moved the bars closer together.
THE LITTLE COMMODORE Well, that's it for today, folks! This is Dr.
Frasier Crane wishing you good mental health! Frasier, I feel as if I'm being sucked into a vortex of rage and despair! Well, right back atcha! - I take it things didn't go down so well at the station? - The police simply would not listen to reason.
- Police? - They're persecuting my Maris over some silly parking fines.
I felt sure they'd ease up if they understood Maris a little better, so I tried to explain her to them.
Oh, dear God.
You know, I dated a guy once who got in trouble with the cops Notice the complete absence of gasps following that statement.
Oh! OK fine, you little weasel.
Just forget it.
I was going to help you, but Maris can just rot in the slammer.
Ooh Roz, I was joshing! I know how you enjoy our little by-play! That weasel line, ouch, touché! - You know what, you're even more annoying when you grovel.
- Zing! Got me again! Roz, if not for his sake, then for mine, please? OK, for you.
My friend Phil had some major traffic violations, and he was so freaked that he called this guy who, you know, fixes things.
Sounds just a tad shady, Roz.
You mean he went to some hoodlum? Well, I wouldn't use the word "hoodlum" in front of him.
Just think of him as a guy who makes wishes come true.
Like a fairy godfather.
Another word I wouldn't use in front of him.
Here we go! Jerome Belasco.
Oh Roz, you are an angel of mercy.
How can I repay you? The next time you think of some witty little thing to say about my sex life, or what I'm wearing, just keep it to yourself.
Consider it done.
- Give me that! - No, give me that! Are you mad? I will not have you turning a minor, albeit annoying situation into a, a Martin Scorsese film! You don't understand what this means to me.
When Maris asked me for this favour, do you know what she said? She said, "Niles, will you be my Commodore?" - Her Commodore? - That's what she used to call her father.
- Frasier, there was no problem so great that that man couldn't fix it.
- I'm sure.
Remember that lovely jeweled crucifix Maris picked up on her first communion trip to Rome? Who do you think smoothed things over with the Vatican? Yes, whatever happened to the days when a parent would take a wayward child by the hand, march them back to the scene of the crime and make them say, "I'm sorry, Your Holiness, it'll never happen again"? You don't understand.
If I show Maris that I can step into the Commodore's plimsolls, she'll have a whole new respect for me.
We can rebuild our marriage on a healthier foundation.
Frasier, please.
Thank you.
I just know this man is the answer to my problems.
Yes, who better to mend the fragile fabric of a troubled marriage than a man whose business address is a wharf! A WORD TO THE WISEGUY - Niles, look.
This is ridiculous, it's past midnight.
I'm leaving.
- No, no, no, you can't leave.
You're my backup.
I wonder what's keeping him? - Do you suppose that's him? - I doubt it, that overcoat is Armani! Good point, Niles.
Where would a criminal come up with the money for something like that? - Oh, Dr.
Crane, I presume? - Oh, yes.
I'm Niles Crane, this is my brother, Dr.
Frasier Crane.
- Jerome Belasco.
- Pleasure.
Excuse my tardiness, but my lady friend and I were having one of those discussions from which it is difficult to remove oneself.
- Yes, we certainly know about those, don't we? - Yes, dames! So you have some problem you think I can help you with? Well, I do.
Please, Jerome.
Well, you see, last week my lady got on the wrong side of "Larry Law," and since then certain, shall we say, "complications" have arisen, and in brief, things have got "hot-hot-hot," and we believe you are the man to "turn on the air conditionin'.
" I sense you're a film buff, Dr.
Crane.
- Just show him the charges, Niles.
- Yes, here we are.
Quite a few.
"Ignoring a summons, speeding, reckless endangerment.
" - Your wife sounds like a very carefree lady.
.
- Oh, yes.
She's ounces of fun.
Do you think you could persuade the police to show some leniency? Well, there's never any harm in making a phone call.
Excuse me.
Thank you! Yes, around and straight to the back.
He's making the call! He's making the call! Frasier, you're going to think I'm mad for saying this, but that was fun! Well, I must admit, Niles, it is not entirely unpleasant to rub shoulders with the demi-monde.
I definitely felt a real testosterone surge, you know? Me too, me too! It's like an actual tingling in my chest.
And now it's gone there it is again! and now it's gone.
Oh, Niles, it must be your cellular phone vibrating.
Oh, it is! You're right.
Hello? Oh hello, Maris! Yes, I'm tending to that very matter right now.
Oh, just wait a second.
- Well? - You may consider the matter dealt with.
Maris, it's all taken care of What did you say? No, I've just never heard those words before.
You're welcome.
Oh Jerome, thank you! Now, if you'll excuse me gentlemen, I've got another business engagement.
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