Well, we've got about thirty seconds.
I think we've got time for one quick call.
Hello, Marlene, I'm listening.
Oh my God, I'm really on? Yes, your problem, please Lucky, Lucky, get down.
George, get the dog! Oh my God, this is so exciting! Honey, honey, get the baby.
George, get your son! OK, OK, here it is, Dr.
Crane: if my husband and I don't find some time to have sex soon, I think I'm gonna burst.
I may even have to go to a department store and pick up a stranger.
Oh, kids! Look who's here without calling first, Nana and Pop Pop! I'll call you back.
Well, to all you Marlenes out there, may I suggest that sex with a stranger is not the answer.
Why don't you just pack the kids off with Nana and Pop Pop, lock Lucky downstairs in the basement, grab your husband, take him to the sturdiest kitchen table you have, and let the postman ring twice! Now, to the rest of my listeners, I'll be off on vacation for the next week, so please tune in to my replacement, the noted podiatrist, Dr Garreth Wooten, who'll be discussing the virtues of his new book, "Bunions and Blisters and Corns," Oh My! I hate it when that weird foot freak subs for you.
Couldn't you just have Frederick come and visit you here? Sorry Roz, the taxi's waiting outside to take me to the airport.
Oh well, have a great time.
Oh, thanks.
And don't forget to bring me a present! I'll get you a nice T-shirt from Colonial Williamsburg.
You're taking Frederick to Williamsburg? Eeew! No, it's a wonderful vacation spot! We're going to dip candles, tan leather, churn butter Hey, Frederick Crane, you just finished the first grade, what are you going to do now? I'm going to Butterworld! Hey Daphne, bring that laundry over here, will you? What for? Well, I was just reading about an intelligence test you can give your dog.
You throw a towel over its head and see how long it takes him to shake it off.
Eddie! Oh, and the faster he takes the towel off, the smarter he is? No, the faster he folds it.
All right, they ranked all the dogs and the smartest was a border collie; he did it in seven seconds.
All right, come on boy, take it off.
Six seven.
OK, the next fastest one was a poodle, I know he's as smart as a poodle.
OK, so he's no poodle he's not a beagle either or a German shepherd or a Labrador Oh, for God's sake, Eddie! Yes, well, if you ask me, he's refusing to do that trick because he knows if he does it right, you'll have him doing it every time we have company.
Hey, I'll bet you're right! Nice going, Eddie! Oh, hello, Dr.
Crane.
I appreciate the false cheer, Daphne.
But I'm sure you've seen this? Today's society page? Don't tell me, don't tell me, don't tell me! I'm saving it for after dinner! Apparently Maris is going on a three-week cruise.
Her friends threw her a bon voyage party.
Look at the photo.
It's Maris on the arm of Pierson Broadwater.
Oh, Dr.
Crane, look! She's just standing there, barely touching him, with only the tiniest bit of a smile on her face! I know, you can practically hear the zing zing zing of her heartstrings! Oh, Dr Crane Sorry, Niles.
Oh, it gets worse.
This morning I spoke to Marta, my ex-maid and current mole.
She reports that Broadwater is just the latest in a parade of escorts.
The gigolos are swarming around Maris like ants on a Snickers bar! Well, wait a minute, that's good news.
If she's seeing a whole bunch of people, that means she's not serious about any one of them.
You think? Yeah, sure! They're probably just her escorts.
You know how she loves going to parties.
Yes, and she never liked going anywhere alone.
Except to bed.
More good news.
And Niles, it wouldn't hurt you to go out a little bit every once in a while too.
If you're suggesting that I start dating, you can save your breath.
Women don't exactly find me irresistible.
Oh, come on, Niles, you've had lots of girlfriends.
Oh, let's count.
There's Maris oh no, Dora, my childhood pen pal from Costa Rica I seem to recall a little girl in the fourth grade who lured me to a stairwell to show me her underpants.
You know, Niles, I think your problem is you still picture yourself as the same geeky kid you were in high school.
But you've come a long way since then.
And you're not doing yourself any favours sitting home every night.
Now just think about it.
Wine, Dr.
Crane? Well, wouldn't you? HE WAS A BAND LEADER MARRIED TO CHARO Oh, give it up, the man had every right to be proud of his dog.
Well, I just don't like show-offs, OK? "Ginger, catch the frisbee.
Ginger, roll over.
Ginger, do my taxes!" Just because Eddie's not good at tricks The hell he isn't! He just likes the kind that gives him a chance to use his brain! Eddie's a thinker! Just watch this.
Open the door for him.
Now, I've been teaching him the names of all his chew toys.
Eddie, get your banana.
Now he's thinking, "which one's the banana?" Now he's thinking, "what the heck did I do with my banana?" Now he's thinking, "which one's the emergency button?" Come on! Oh, Dr Crane! Hello.
I let myself in, I hope that's all right.
Fine.
What's up? Oh, I just stopped by to ask you a question.
Are you free Saturday night? Sure! Well, I'm not! I have a date! Oh! Oh! Bravo, Dr.
Crane! Good for you! Who is she? Marjorie Nash, the "Fruit On The Bottom" yogurt heiress.
I bumped into her at the Frye museum.
Before I knew it, your advice was thundering in my ears.
I found myself asking her out.
We'll be attending our club's annual winter dance, the "Snow Ball!" Good for you! What's she like? Well, she's terribly haughty and rumours persist about her husband's death.
But still, a date's a date! Snow Ball? Sounds very glamourous.
I didn't know you could dance! Oh, I can't.
Oh, dear.
You don't think she'll want me to? I've taken Maris to dozens of these things, she's never once asked to dance of course, Maris dislikes public displays of rhythm.
Oh, this is terrible! My first date's a miserable failure before it even begins.
I'll just have to cancel.
All you need are a few dancing lessons.
I'd be happy to give you some.
You would? Yeah! Growing up, I used to practise all the time with my brother Billy - the ballroom dancer? I couldn't prevail upon you like that, it would be too much trouble.
We'll have to move this! OK, now push the chair back Or not.
Alright, we'll start with the box step.
Box step It's very simple.
Take my hand like so, and your other hand goes around my waist.
Now, start with your left foot.
OK, which one? Oh, hush! Step towards me, then bring your right foot forward-and-over, and slide the left over to meet it.
Then the right foot goes back, the left back-and-over, and the right slides next to it.
And that's it! All right, once again.
A one-two- Oh! three, a two-two-three, a three-two-three, a four-two three This is boring yet difficult.
Aw, there's no trick to dancing.
It's just a matter of coordination.
Hell, if you can ride a bike, or skip rope, or kick a ball, you can certainly Alright, once again.
A one-two- Oh!-three You're really doing very well, Dr.
Crane.
Earlier you seemed a bit tense.
You've really relaxed now though, haven't you? Hey, you two are looking pretty sharp.
Well, I think we're ready to move on to the samba.
Eddie, fetch me a samba tape.
Xavier Cougat.
Now he's thinking, "the later Hollywood stuff, or the early New York recordings?" Now guess what I'm thinking.
I'll get it myself.
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