You're on KACL with Dr Frasier Crane.
We have time for one more call.
Hello, Gretchen.
I'm listening.
'Well, you see, Dr Crane, my husband is a fencing instructor 'and lately he spends all his time with his wealthy new student 'and I'm afraid there's some bumsen going on.
' - Do you have any evidence? - 'No, it's just a feeling.
' Well, in these matters, there's no simple way to know for sure.
Yes, there is.
Well, Gretchen, you're in luck.
It just so happens we have in our studio today one of the world's five leading bumsen experts.
If you want to know if a man is cheating, you offer him two choices for dinner, one that's fattening and one that's light.
If he picks the calorie packed one, he doesn't mind turning into a pig, which means he's happily married.
Hearing advice like that, I wish there was a law against women gathering at a water cooler.
- Now, Gretchen - 'Does it really work, Roz?' - Oh, trust me.
- 'I'm going to do it.
'Thank you for your help, Roz.
- 'Oh, and you too, Dr Crane.
' - Don't mention it.
Well, Dr Crane and friends will be back tomorrow.
Thanks for listening, Seattle.
- I know you hate it when I butt in.
- And yet You'll forgive me when you find out what I'm doing for you.
There's this woman who lives in my building.
- She's beautiful and funny.
- Stop.
I do not go out on blind dates.
They're demeaning and a waste of time.
- No, thank you.
No.
- It's for your father.
What time should he pick her up? Wait a minute.
They are OK for your father, but not for you? Yes.
And games with balls, beer and giant trucks that roll over small ones.
"So you want to build a three-masted schooner.
"Before assembly, take inventory of all parts.
" - We don't need to read that.
- We do.
It says here, in bold, "Read all instructions".
Pass me the right side of the hull.
You'll get that piece at Step 16 and not a moment sooner.
- Can we get started here? - All right, Dad.
"So you want to build a three-masted schooner.
" Give me that! You'll put your eye out.
Look at that! What a beautiful ship! - I bet you'll have fun building that.
- Not as much fun as reading about it.
Did I ever mention one of my ancestors was a mutineer on HMS Bounty.
No kidding.
He made it safely to Pitcairn Island where he was fruitful and multiplied.
For all I know, there's some girl who looks exactly like me in the South Seas, frolicking in the surf, brown-skinned and bare breasted.
So you want to build a two-masted schooner? Schooner? I thought it was a frigate.
A frigate has a fore-and-aft mainsail.
- That's a brigantine.
- Well, what's a frigate? That's when you just don't give a damn.
- Hello.
- Hello there.
Are you spending the evening with us? Yes.
Maris misses me, but feels family comes first.
She saw this model and felt I should share it with Dad.
- She wanted you out of the house? - Like a musty smell.
Dad, I have a proposal for you.
There's a woman in Roz's building that would like to go out with you.
Roz says she's got a wonderful personality.
Oh, I guess that means I'm the pretty one.
- Tell Roz thanks but no thanks.
- You're making a mistake.
Trying new things is what keeps us all young and vibrant.
You're right.
For weeks Maris floated in a sensory deprivation tank, but she's taken up fencing and I've never seen her more vital.
She stays up late into the evening, working with her instructor.
- Maris has a fencing instructor? - Yes.
Gunnar was the Bavarian champion three years running.
He's Bavarian? You're full of questions I've already answered.
Am I? He speaks no English.
Maris practises German while she parries and thrusts.
Maris is learning German, huh? Just when you thought she couldn't get any cuddlier.
- Dad, did you take the spanking aft? - Yeah, I pre-glued it for you.
- Good job! - Not to worry.
This used to happen to my brothers all the time.
I can get it off with nail polish remover.
Come with me.
- So your brothers built models? - No, I suspect they just sniffed glue.
- That can cause brain damage.
- Well, then, that confirms it.
Dad.
Dad.
I have to talk to you about Niles.
I got a call from a German woman whose husband is a fencing instructor that she suspects is having an affair with his wealthy new client.
- And? - Don't you find it incriminating? It's a coincidence.
Seattle's a big city.
I'm sure German fencing instructors have dozens of students.
But are they wealthy? No.
They're working their way out of the ghetto with a foil and a dream In the midst of that slag heap of sarcasm, there may be a kernel of truth.
I could be letting my imagination run away with me.
Forget it.
Help me put this model together.
Oh, my God.
I remember how Niles used to love these models.
Remember that Christmas Mum got him "The Visible Man And Woman"? - He had to glue the internal organs.
- I remember you two fighting.
He got on my nerves, so I stole his ovaries.
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