- Some kids spray painted you.
- It looked good? Oh, yes.
But a word to the wise.
Take care of your teeth - that look is not flattering on you.
(Doorbell) I'll get it.
Hello, Dr Crane.
- Hello.
- What brings you here? A Rent-a-car, thanks to my brother.
- I assume you're here for a reason.
- Yes.
Frasier, last night when I got home, that incident with Dad and Mrs Lawlor made me think what caused the rift between our families.
So I dug out my old boyhood journal and looked up my entries from our last summer together at the lake.
According to this, there was a three-week period where Mom and Dad had screaming matches every night.
- I don't recall that.
- That's right.
That was when you wore the wax earplugs and the slumber mask.
You were looking at the "National Geographic" with a flashlight.
- I was looking at the maps.
- That's what makes it scary.
What was your point? Something more provocative happened during that same period.
Here.
Read this.
"Though summer at the lake seems but a vapid, vacuous experience, "it is a tonic for my troubled youth.
" How old were you when you wrote this? Almost nine.
Which explains the redundancy "vapid" and "vacuous".
By ten, my writing had gotten tighter.
Among other things.
The point is that I crept out onto the screen porch, leaving the lights off so as not to attract bats and moths.
As I peered out through the darkness, between the trees I saw Dad and Mrs Lawlor in each other's arms.
It's clear what happened.
Dad and Mrs Lawlor had an affair.
I appreciate your attempt to spice up our family history, but we're not a Jackie Collins novel.
It's ridiculous.
Is it? All right, allow me to present exhibit "B".
This is a photo album Mom prepared of the same period.
I love to see old family photos.
My goodness, what a handsome, sinewy young bloke! That was Dad.
You two take after your mother, don't you? All right.
Look at this.
That's Dad, but the person next to him has been cut out.
And here, you can still see the edges of a dress and a handbag and sandals.
Who's that scrawny chap with the fish-belly complexion and rain hat? I was under doctor's orders to stay out of direct sunlight.
We don't know that was Mrs Lawlor.
It wouldn't prove they had an affair.
- What? - Niles thinks Dad had an illicit affair.
- Your father? He's not the type.
- That's what I think.
- And there's not enough proof.
- Is it impossible? - Anything is possible.
- Why don't you ask him? Right.
"Father, did you boff a neighbour while we were roasting marshmallows?" Ah.
There's one sure way to get the truth.
- We'll call Aunt Vivienne.
- Who's that? Better known as the Mouth.
- We are not calling her.
- You afraid of finding out something? Yes, that she knows where I live and she still drives.
You two are worse than gossipy washerwomen.
The way to solve this is to ask your father.
Ask me what? Your sons have some cockeyed notion that you had an affair 30 years ago.
What? - Where did that idea come from? - Frasier saw you with Marion Lawlor.
- You were with me! - You were spying on me? No, we were just having dinner when you were "with your buddies".
That proves I had an affair? No, but Niles remembered this time when he saw you and her hugging.
It was the time when you and Mom were fighting a lot.
- Then you stopped seeing the Lawlors.
- This is stupid! Right.
They were even going to give some Aunt Vivienne a call.
Daphne, would you give me a minute alone with these two? I understand.
Send the help to the room.
I never get to hear any good stuff.
Don't bother calling Aunt Vivienne.
You want to know the truth? Fine.
I had an affair.
It happened long ago and it's not anything I'm proud of.
Now that I've answered everything, do me a favour.
This is never to be brought up again, understand? End of discussion.
Well It's times like this that most families pull together and draw strength from each other.
What shall we do? Thank you.
I came to see how you are, but I only have a few minutes.
I start my "healing with humour" support group tonight and I must pick up my big shoes.
How am I doing? How are you doing, Niles? Doesn't it bother you that your father cheated on my mother? Your loyalties are seeping through.
Besides, I got Mom's small features while you got Dad's chunky thighs.
It must have caused Mom a lot of pain.
Agreed, but they went on and had a very happy life together.
They got over it.
Why can't you? Rationally, I should be able to handle this.
I deal with human frailty every day.
But in this case, it's not people - one of our parents had an affair.
How could Dad cheat with Marion knowing the effect it would have on Mom and us? Why don't you just pull up a chair and join us? I just can't believe that it's it's our father.
I never had a great relationship with him, but I always respected his integrity.
Just thinking about what he did sickens me.
As your brother, as a therapist, I think you have to let this go.
You should come to my "healing with humour" support group.
Thank you, but I need a night to myself.
If you change your mind, it should be a hoot.
As we speak, I'm wearing oversized polka-dot boxers and quick-release suspenders.
(Growling and yapping) I see all sorts of things have been going on behind my back! Get! (Doorbell) - Frasier? - Yes.
You may not remember me.
Marion Lawlor.
- Yes, I remember you.
- Is your Dad home? No, but if you come back later, you can have the place to yourselves.
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