I guess you should be with your family.
It's more traditional.
Except that Jackie is a transvestite.
Getting a bit long in the tooth for it, too, if you ask me.
Thanksgiving, he ate too much turkey, and I had to cut him out of his pantyhose.
Merry Christmas, everybody?! - Lilith isn't sending Frederick.
- Why not? He has this "unique" opportunity for an "incredible" Christmas.
Her friend has rented a home in Austria.
- Why not the USA? - They filmed "The Sound Of Music" in the house, Freddie's favourite movie.
Julie Andrews is singing there.
They're having dinner with her afterwards.
There's some nonsense about a horse-driven sleigh ride and a balloon trip.
Oh, and they're going to spend an entire day at Euro Disneyland.
At the cabin, there's an old stump that the local children enjoy kicking.
- You have to let him go.
- Of course I have to let him go.
- Thank God you know what's right.
- I was just making sure you did.
- How would I live without you? - Now, now.
That's enough.
You're being a good father letting him go.
It need not ruin your Christmas.
Come on, let's finish decorating the tree.
I got the lights from the storeroom.
Dad, I don't want to use those this year.
I picked up these yesterday.
Chilli peppers? - They're very fashionable.
- But chilli peppers aren't Christmas! Neither are Scotch pines or snow ornaments.
If you want to be technical - Bethlehem was in the desert.
- Why don't we decorate a palm tree? - No need for sarcasm! - I always use those lights! - Dad This is my house! Can I have one thing the way I want it? You're upset, but don't take it out on me.
- Fine.
Now you're the psychiatrist? - I give up.
- Use your chillies! - Oh, I don't want them any more! No, go ahead.
We could hang radishes! Put a nice broccoli on top! - Don't behave this way at the cabin.
- We won't.
I'm not going to the cabin! - Where are you going? - I'm staying.
- You can't.
- I'll fill in for Bulldog.
- Well, merry Christmas! - Merry Christmas! (Both shout) Merry Christmas! I didn't realise that working on Christmas would ruin your plans.
- Please don't be mad.
- What for? My mother flew in from Wisconsin to be with me today.
Instead, I'm in this stinking hellhole on Christmas day, when only the loneliest most depressed people would call in! But look how nice you look for me?! Try to see it from my position.
I couldn't see my son.
I had a fight with my father.
Then I thought, helping others through their troubles, may get me through mine.
If we try hard, we can maybe have the best Christmas we've ever had.
- What do you say? - OK, I'm not mad.
Get ready.
- I need a hug to prove we're friends.
- I am not hugging you, you're grungy.
- Come to Papa.
Hug, hug, hug, hug! - All right! Yuck, we're friends.
Now, get ready, you're on.
Merry Christmas, Seattle! This is Dr Crane coming to you on Christmas Day.
Christmas, that very magical time of the year when each moment is as unique as a snowflake never to be recreated.
Sorry.
The news went over.
Do that again.
Merry Christmas, Seattle! As we head into our second hour, I'd like to lighten things up a bit.
Ned's told us how he got mugged on his way home from the soup kitchen.
- Who's next? - Don wants to tell us about a time when he was filled with Christmas spirit.
- It's about time.
Hello, Don! - (Don) 'Hello.
'I learned yesterday why this is called "the season of giving.
"' - Then swaddle me in Christmas cheer.
- 'OK.
I was driving home.
'I realised, I'd left my favourite pair of sneakers on the roof of the car.
'I looked back and saw this homeless guy.
He was already putting them on.
'So I just thought, "What the hell?" And I kept driving.
' So your experience of the Christmas spirit would be that you didn't slam the car into reverse, speed back there, and rip your smelly old sneakers out of a homeless man's hands.
Well, Roz, I think we got Santa Claus himself on the line?! (Man) 'I'm sorry.
That was the last time.
I'm OK now, I'm really OK.
(Man sobs) 'No, I'm not! ' Barry, I've got to put you on hold while you pull yourself together.
But stay on the line, I'd like to help you.
'Lt's all right.
I think I've got a hold of myself.
(Sobs) 'No, I don't! ' (Woman) 'I've fallen in the shower so many times, 'they can't fit any more pins in my hip.
' Gladys, listen, can I put you on hold for a second? I have to check on somebody.
How's it going there, Barry? (Barry sobs) My sentiments exactly.
(Man) 'Lt still traumatises me, Dr.
Crane.
'I wake up, and I remember that Christmas morning.
'I walked into my mother's bedroom crying, and I said, "Mommy!" "'The puppy Santa gave me won't wake up.
"' OK, Tom.
You win the prize for the saddest Christmas story we've heard.
Happy holidays.
Roz! Roz! (Sobs) Oh, have you been crying? Just for the last hour.
Oh, why don't you go home? I can take over for the next two hours.
- You can't do this.
- Just go home, be with your mom.
Won't it be sadder here all by yourself? I don't think that's possible.
Well, if you really mean it, I'll go.
I mean it.
But promise me one thing.
Don't sit here and get more depressed.
- You'll see your boy again soon.
- I know.
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