But
If Dan Procter were to be
supported on that tour
by the most dynamic and
exciting comedian on
the circuit who just so
happens to be trans
Now.
That's an interesting story.
Not to mention an extraordinary platform
for such a vocal ambassador of
the trans community as yourself.
If that were the case,
then staging a fight with that comedian,
a fight that actively holds up a mirror
to the ignorance that trans
people face every single day
A fight that accidentally
got leaked to a million people.
Well, that just might be
a stroke of genius.
Okay, I see where
you're going here.
But why
The fuck would I even consider
sharing a stage with that prick?
I'm not being funny, but
If you want me to eat that shit, you
need to at least give me a spoon.
Dan's management has agreed to give
ten percent of the profits to Stonewall.
As well as mention them
in all publicity.
He's one of the best known
comedians in the UK.
Twelve million Twitter followers.
You think people would
actually believe it?
They will if they're given an
exclusive by a credible journalist.
Particularly if that credible
journalist happens to be
a heavy influencer
in the LGBTQ community.
Wouldn't it be fun to be the one
journalist who actually got the joke?
Okay, okay, I get it.
It's a great platform.
You're all crusaders for the cause
and all that.
That's grand.
But
let's cut the crap, shall we?
How much?
Forty-five minutes material.
Fifty percent of the box office.
The O2 is not exactly small.
Stonewall's ten percent
comes out of his cut.
Okay.
- Plus you represent me for free.
- For the first six months.
- Twelve.
- Eight.
Deal
Nice doing business with you.
And he's agreed to all this?
Of course, he has.
Fifty percent?
It's actually forty
when you factor in Stonewall.
Not to mention our fee.
Well, it's madness! Whatever
happened to freedom of speech?
What, the PC patrol
get to dictate what I can
and can't talk about now, do they?
Dan, I think you can talk
about whatever you like.
You just have to be funny.
Belle, get Mr.
Proctor here
a glass of fizzy water.
And stick a little gin in it.
Thanks.
Do you think my Popeye routine is shit?
(LAUGHING) EVE: Absolutely.
That's lovely.
That's lovely.
It's all lovely.
It's great.
Get some more face.
Fantastic.
Um, sorry, just, um
It's It's ginger.
Is that a problem?
Lots of babies are
born with ginger hair.
Most lose it in the first year.
- I did not know that.
Hm!
- (LAUGHING) Mmm-hmm.
PHOTOGRAPHER: Nice big smile.
Very nice.
So what do you do?
- I'm the mother of the real baby.
- You?
Uh I suppose I'm the
mother of the fake baby.
Hmm.
All set with Allie?
- May I?
- Yeah.
So, how's Sam?
He's great.
We must stop meeting like this.
How's tricks?
How's tricks? Tricks are good.
Maybe we should get a drink later.
- Old times sake.
- I don't think so.
What was it you always used to say?
- Girls don't count.
- Reese
Oh, come on.
Don't tell me you're
no fun anymore.
Of all people
The reason I don't want
to fuck you is not
'cause I'm no fun, it's
'cause you're a c~nt.
Now please take your hand off my ass.
There's my girl.
Christ, I cannot wait
to get shmammered tonight.
- Reese
- Eve.
How are ya?
Oh, you know.
Kicking ass,
taking names.
You?
Great.
Nice to see you.
- What?
- Nothing.
A bit awkward.
Mmm It's fine.
Ancient history.
I hate bumping into post shags.
I once went to a dinner party,
and got stuck opposite a guy
I'd spent an hour
tromboning the weekend before.
Kept getting combat flashbacks.
- May I ponce?
- Mmm, feel free.
Oh, my God.
- Oh, no, no, no.
It's not
- Shut the front door, that's amazing.
Really?
Christ, yes.
It's terrifying,
mental, but amazing.
It's times like this I wish
my tear ducts worked.
This is not the response I expected.
Why not? It would be a travesty
not to continue your gene pool.
I love a mini you hanging around.
We can dress it in freebies and use
it to get good parking spaces.
Just make sure it's not a boy.
Ugh.
Don't get too excited.
It may
not even be a possibility.
I've not exactly looked after
myself all these years.
Look, babe.
Sam's amazing.
He's like a grown-up,
but a grown-up you
want to hang out with.
Just promise me you won't leave me.
Buy a Land Rover and move
to some god-forsaken hamlet,
wearing nothing but wellies and
clothes with human waste on them.
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