1
Max, what is all this?
I thought we were running fancy
purchases past each other
since you yelled at me
for splurging on two-ply.
You might as well wipe with
dollar bills, your royal heinie.
This is for a big cake order I got
from Over-Eaters Anonymous.
And, like it's members, it's a big 'un.
I thought we didn't take
special orders anymore
since we opened the dessert bar.
You know, like how girls
stop doing mouth stuff
after they get a ring.
Which is why I don't give girls rings.
They're having a group cheat
day and I wanna help them.
It's my way of giving nothing.
Max, that's terrible.
We can't enable people
that have a real problem.
They're paying us 1,000 bucks.
Like I said,
the customer is always right.
You know, with that kind of money,
we could go from two-ply to wet wipes.
Pfft, slow your two-ply roll,
money bags.
(Peter Bjorn and John)
Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh
(cash register bell dings)
Ugh, there's no room on our side.
Han's side is empty though.
Just like his Little People,
Big World viewing parties.
I went once.
Oh, Han left another note
telling us not to put
our stuff on his stuff.
There's not enough alcohol in the world
to get my stuff on his stuff.
"Dear girls, how are you?
Been unseasonably hot lately,
hasn't it?"
He really beats around the bush.
Again, not enough alcohol.
"I'd really appreciate
if you kept your supplies on your"
Wow, his notes are more boring
than your "remember
when I had money" stories.
Come on, Max.
We're slamming Han.
Let's stay focused.
Remember when I had money, though?
I'm crafting my response
to Han right now.
I wanna keep it light.
(gasps) Did I ever tell you
we actually had a money room
like in Richie Rich comics?
- Yep.
- Hello, girls.
Read anything good lately?
Perhaps a note on stationary that says,
"From the desk of a jelly bean addict?
Han, if you have something to say,
look us in the kneecaps and say it.
(sniffs)
I smell smoke, and where there's smoke,
there's usually something
of mine burning.
Earl, watch the diner for me.
Sure thing.
Girls, watch the diner for me.
I gotta go to the bathroom again.
My prostate changes faster
than the lineup of The View.
Caroline, watch the diner for me.
Max, watch the diner for me.
(both laugh)
Jinx, you owe me a soda.
But not from here.
(laughing)
Hilar, right?
Not you.
Randy was giving me
a Facetime motorboat.
Hey, Caroline.
Arr, it was a bit nippy in there.
Ahoy, Captain.
(laughs)
Oh, why am I playing along?
Well, we should probably
stop having phone sex
'cause I'm at Pinkberry
and I got a lot of decisions to make.
Well, call me back so your pinkberries
don't become blueberries.
(laughs)
Girls, come on.
This is a workplace.
Do you think I can use
dish soap on these?
You should use gasoline on those.
So
isn't it about time you and Randy
made your relationship official again?
You talk to him more
than you talk to me,
which brings me to my second point:
I'm hurt.
(scoffs)
We are not in a relationship.
Or a long-distance relationship.
We are just two people
looking for good lighting
for our sex parts.
Excuse me.
I'm looking for Earl Washington.
How do you know Earl's last name?
Even his license just says Earl.
You're not the DirecTV lady, are you?
'Cause he told us
he's not paying for Starz
till the channel actually gets some.
Earl Washington, about 6'2",
strong as an ox, big bushy Afro?
Honey, we shrunk the Earl.
Um, when was the last time
you saw this "Big Earl"?
1961.
We were sweethearts.
But I went to Havana to visit my family
and to bring Earl back some cigars.
Then the revolution came
and the rest is communism.
Earl's got people hunting him
down across time and space,
and I can't get a second date?
(gasps) Earl!
Oh, it's you.
I recognize that swagger.
She does?
Wow, Pilar.
You have my cigars?
He remembers her, but yesterday
he accidentally worked
a full shift at Denny's.
I can't believe I'm here.
You know, I tried to float
to you on a porta-potty in 1984,
but it did not work out.
I haven't been this excited
since I found out
I didn't work at Denny's.
You are still a fine
piece of man, Earl.
And you are beau-ti-ful.
Girl, let's get outta here.
How do you feel about
exclusively being on top?
Mmm, mmm, mmm.
He's still got it.
Where is he hiding it?
That is so cute.
I hope she knows CPR.
Those over-eaters are really
getting their money's worth.
Especially since you
added the meat layer.
It's gonna compliment the potatoes.
(cell phone chimes)
Speaking of complimenting my potatoes,
listen to what Randy texted.
No, thanks.
If I liked porn,
I wouldn't have thrown
away Sophie and Oleg's
"We're Having a Baby" card.
No, this is disturbingly clean.
"Have an hour layover
in Newark Airport tomorrow.
So close and yet so far.
"
- (gasps)
- What does that mean?
Does he wanna see my boobs or my junk?
Now he's speaking my language.
The language of romantic comedy.
He wants more.
My butt?
Max, he wants you to
meet him at the airport.
Airports are the romantic climax
to every great love story.
Casablanca,
Love Actually,
Snakes on a Plane.
Ah, now I get it.
So point to it on my body.
Hey, girls.
I'm trying to make the baby laugh.
Here's one
Two girls walk into a dessert bar
and they never leave.
(laughs)
Ah, see? Nothing.
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