1
What the hell are we doing
here on a Tuesday afternoon?
The only customer we had was
Earl and he forgot he works here
and ordered lunch.
First of all, you are
forgetting the pack of dogs
that wandered in, had
an orgy, and left.
Probably easy for me to forget 'cause
I wasn't the one they
tried to have sex with.
And we still have to work here
because our dessert bar's
only been open a week; we need income.
(sighs) I don't like
working in the daytime.
You can see freaky
things in this light.
Look, there's an ant carrying a stool.
Look, there's a waitress
carrying nothing.
Wow, Han, you have new-stool money?
Are you in Forbes' "40 Under 4 Feet?"
I didn't buy this.
Lady Luck threw me a bone.
I'm sure she hated
herself in the morning.
A beloved old man in
my building passed away,
and after the neighbors
paid our solemn respects,
we cleaned the dump out.
Han, that is so disrespectful.
We didn't get a text?
Ooh, I forgot my sweet
hemorrhoid doughnut I scored.
You don't need hemorrhoids to enjoy it.
Hemorrhoid doughnut.
All of the comfort and
none of the calories.
Ooh! A new stool.
2005 is shaping up to be a great year.
That's Han's stool.
Well, Han's stool just
bought a one-way ticket
to Earl's butt.
This the saddest episode
of Game of Thrones
I've ever seen.
Still, I'm rooting for the dwarf.
(Peter Bjorn and John)
Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh
(cash register bell dings)
Tonight, we are hitting the
chic-est spot in Williamsburg
to poach their chic-est patrons.
If we start out with a cool clientele,
models, gays,
rich guys that want to have
sex with models and gays,
we'll be an in-spot
for at least five years.
Were you talking to me that whole time?
Who else would I be talking to?
You're the only one here.
- (giggles)
- Oh.
That was a Randy giggle.
And that's Randy's penis.
Not all of it.
It's a pretty small screen.
Yeah, we decided to
continue our nonexclusive,
long-distance, sexting thing.
Is that the Oxford English
Dictionary definition?
If Oxford likes to get naked
and squat over a phone.
But your girl's running
out of sexting ideas.
There's only four emojis
that look like penises.
Five if you count the corn on the cob.
Don't ruin the corn on the cob for me.
I use that for barbecues
and farmers markets.
That's what you were talking about?
I've just been adding
"in my pants" to everything.
Example:
"What do you think about climate change
in my pants?"
Come on, I need you focused tonight.
No more sexting.
Just put it away and
tell him to do the same.
All right, let me just
find the eggplant emoji
and, of course, the pants.
(knocking)
Hey, girls.
(cheers and applause)
Oh, do you need a hand there, Soph
I can do it!
Sophie, why the enormous
old-timey stroller?
There better be a cartoon baby
dressed like Al Capone in that thing.
Hey, girls,
can Barbara and me
stay down here tonight?
Oleg and I can't have
sex for two more weeks
and it's just getting
too steamy up there.
So, that explains the heavy panting
we're hearing through
our ceiling, our walls, and
most disturbing of all, our drain.
I gotta pee.
I gotta go all the time now.
You know, that's
something that you girls
need to know about me.
Any time that we talk,
I'm peeing a little bit.
Uh yeah.
Oh.
There's daddy's little jock block.
(sighs) I tried to release my
sexual frustration creatively,
but my erotic poetry
was rejected by National Pornographic
for being, quote, "just disgusting.
"
My sexts are so lame.
Why can't I be disgusting?
There's a burrito stuck to
the side of your dresser.
You're there.
"Can't wait for you to put your butt
"on top of my butt
in my pants"?
Jeez, thanks for the nice
break from being horny.
I am not proud of how not slutty it is.
Now, give me back my phone.
It hasn't had its shots.
- Sent.
- What?
"Your testicles are two
glistening Cadbury Eggs,
and Mama's got a sweet tooth.
"
This mama's got puke in her mouth.
I cannot believe you'd send
something so disgusting.
- You are dead to m
- (text swoosh)
(gasps) He likes it!
You want to turn a man on?
Heh, you call Oleg.
(strained moans)
I hope it doesn't make
you too jealous, but
I was just sexting with Randy.
Yeah?
- Yeah?
- Oh
(strained moans)
Caroline, get the hose.
Okay, now remember,
we're targeting models, gays,
and upwardly mobile millennials
with discretionary income.
Basically anyone better than us.
Were you talking to me that whole time?
And yes, I was talking
to you that whole time.
IDs, please?
You know they don't force you to use
the first picture they take.
I'm eating a pickle in mine.
I think you look great.
Hi, I'm Jake.
Hi, Jake.
ID, Jake?
He's about 27,
lots of discresh income?
27 exactly.
Guess my weight and
I'll buy you a drink.
So, um, how do you maintain
such a dork-less clientele?
I need to know 'cause I
have a roommate situation.
Watch and learn, pickles.
Oh, sweet,
I found Carmen Sandiego.
I don't know where in the
world you're going, buddy,
but it ain't in here.
(both laugh)
Oh, you got this.
But do not let the guy in the overalls
get out of here without me
calling him "Farmer Yawn.
"
Max, I am killing it.
Jake, you've met.
Nahani and Ariel are models.
They can eat whatever they want.
Hate them
And then, this is Tad
and Jameson, they're gay.
I perform reenactments
of the life and tragic death
of Amy Winehouse with Barbies.
I work at Staples.
Oh, power couple.
None of New York's elite
are here, besides me.
I guess I'm not going backstage
at Barbie Winehouse.
You tried to make them come to this bar
and they said, "No, no, no.
"
(gasps) My gay guys at 12:00.
I spoke too soon.
And you spat a little.
Tad! Jameson!
Welcome to the M and C Dessert Bar.
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