Thank you, everyone, for staying late to learn our new iPad order system.
We had no choice, you locked the door from the outside.
Either way, we're learning.
Han, why would we update our order system when our uniforms are from the 1970's and our paycheck is from the 1800s? Let's get to the tutorial.
Max, you and I are going to role-play.
All right, you can be the little bitch, and I'll be me.
I don't need this lesson.
I'm very familiar with the touch screen.
Let's just say I put the "goo" in Google.
I'm going to pretend I'm a customer, and order a hamburger.
Hello, miss.
I'll have a hamburger.
Certainly, miss.
Would you like that with or without salmonella? Han, I got my first lesson on the iPad from Steve Jobs, and now I'm getting it from Han Jobs? Caroline, don't act like you know more about gadgets than me.
Formerly rich doesn't beat currently Asian.
Now, come on, everyone look at their iPads.
What iPad? I didn't see an iPad What? No.
Did somebody say something about an iPad? What the hell is an iPad? Where did they all go? I'm guessing eBay.
I want them all back, especially mine.
I'm in a casual flirtation with a woman in Australia.
She's part aboriginal, but has a great personality.
Here you go, Earl.
Max, what's wrong? You seem happy.
I'm just still on a high from this $10,000 bank loan I got last week.
And from an almost certainly laced pot brownie I ate in 2004.
I can't believe you and Caroline got a bank loan for your cupcake business, and not a single hostage was involved.
Max, you don't have $10,000.
You don't even have Netflix.
This money is to pay a factory to make our cupcake T-shirts, and I've whittled it down to three.
Hello.
Speaking of whittled.
Someone used my printer, and I'm guessing it's Caroline, 'cause it's about business and not another one of Earl's Angela Bassett collages.
What can I say, man? I'm a Bassett hound.
Oh, thanks, Han.
These are the factories I've been researching.
We want our T-shirts to be American made.
I have an American maid, and all she's good at is eating my granola bars.
Look, Max, I found one right here in Brooklyn.
"American Ace.
The founder, Ace Hardwick, is devoted to treating his workers well," and not in a creepy way like that American Apparel guy.
So you're saying none of these workers have ever found an Ace in their hole? Look, I've worked in a lot of factories.
I know what goes on.
I worked in a coat factory, which is why my lungs are coated in asbestos.
I worked in an underwear factory, where I was underpaid for the fruits of my looms, and worst factory of all, The Cheesecake Factory.
Oh.
How about we do a walk-through tomorrow to make sure it's up to snuff? Well, if they have snuff, why are we waiting till tomorrow? Hey, everybody! Oh, hey.
Hi, great news! I just got carded at Buffalo Wild Wings! Really? I got carted out of there once.
And more great news: I'm starting my own new business.
So girls, you know how you have that $10,000? Well, I don't want to clean you out, but how do you feel about tossing me $9,500? You two should invest.
Sophie's business is genius.
You know how a bunch of ladies got their down-there-hair permanently lasered off? Yeah, that's when your waxer gives you a Michael Chiklis.
Yeah.
Well, Sophie's offering a product that puts grass back on your field.
Yeah.
That's not a business.
That's nobody's business.
Yeah, I don't do any of that stuff.
I just throw a scrunchie on mine and go.
Hey, there's a need for this.
Sometimes, in the fog, my plane gets lost without a landing strip.
We're out.
Oh, don't decide yet, girls.
you haven't even heard the cute, little name.
"Sophie Kuchenksi's Vagina Wigs!" Yeah, we're really out.
Oh.
But it's a quality product, and it's real hair imported from "Va-China.
" Yeah, never been further out.
And this is our main floor.
Wow, this is amazing! I feel like we're in the Willy Wonka Factory.
I know, right? The American Ace motto is "work is fun"" Max was expecting a different kind of factory.
More torture, less foosball.
I know, right? Not at American Ace.
And what is your position here, Peggy? Are you the "I know, right?" person? I know, right? No, I'm one of the owners.
Also, I dye T-shirts.
See, every employee gets a percentage of the company after six months, so the longer you stay, the more it grows.
We've been at the diner four years, and the only thing we've seen grow is Oleg's pants.
I know, right? Well, Ace is expecting you.
Go ahead, go have fun! Hey, don't be fooled by what's on the surface.
You look like you have money, but I know your underwear's in shreds.
Not shreds, Max, shred.
Just one, it goes from front to back.
Um, hi, should we just come in? The door is open.
Yep, always is.
Doors create boundaries.
Boundaries are a bummer.
You know what else is a bummer? Tall guys with small penises? That you just missed the gelato and designer coffee cart.
Espresso hazelnut praline? We're not here for gelato.
We're not not here for gelato.
Awesome.
It's awesome to meet you.
I'm Ace Hardwick.
Look, "Ace", we're not about to give you $10,000 so you can take advantage of a sad, underage girl worker near the loading docks 'cause her boobs are crazy big and she needs a ride home.
That's a "for instance.
" I'm sorry? See, Ace, Max has some trust issues when it comes to factories, so, we're here today to You're pretty much eating cardboard there.
You want me to get you another? You should see her with tuna cans.
Hey, I see the prosciutto cart.
Who wants imported ham? Me! Well, we're not not here for prosciutto.
Hey, you know what's cool? Short guys with big penises? You're fun.
Your business belongs here at American Ace.
Come on, let's go meet the family.
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