Thank you.
That was, like, our tenth gay guy tonight.
Let's hope our gay buzz lasts longer than Adam Lambertâs.
Oh, it will.
I'm all over it.
And by "it," I mean I'm all over grindr.
Max, why are you on that app? You're not a gay man looking for anonymous sex.
Don't put me in a box! You told me to find ways to drum up business.
Well, I'm drumming it up by showing off this guy's "bid'ness.
" I pretended to be a rough and ready Puerto Rican guy who still likes to cuddle.
That there's gay chum, my friend.
Ooh, I hooked a big one.
Get the net.
Hi.
Was a muscular Puerto Rican guy just here? When is there not? Would you like to purchase a delicious cupcake while you wait? Well, maybe, while I wait.
My phone says he's right here.
Here, this is on the house, because the muscular gay guy, that's him.
It's cool that you're transitioning, but you really should let people know you're not Puerto Rican.
Well.
He said he was 22 and butch, so I'm mad too.
Season 3, Episode 8 "And the 'It' Hole" Earl, I need my checks for tonight.
- Beautiful? - Check.
- Sexy? - Check.
- Cool? - Check.
Sorry I'm late.
I was ten minutes early for my shift, so I thought "well, I have 20 minutes to kill," and I wandered into this cool surf shop and saw this guy polishing a surfboard.
A surfer here? You don't hang ten in Williamsburg, you hang yourself.
I'm with Max, the only waves we get in Brooklyn are heat waves and crime waves.
- Earl, you never go out to the beach? - You crazy? I'm ain't gonna get eaten by some shark.
Ain't nobody got time for that.
The chances of you being bit by a shark are, like, .
0001%.
Not if you're black.
Sharks are racist as hell.
That's why they call them "great whites.
" Marc, the surfer, and I really hit it off, and he is so cute, like a young Matthew McConaughey, but with real hair.
So nothing like Matthew McConaughey.
I hope he texts me.
I love surfing.
I never go in the water, 'cause I know if I start drowning, I'm not gonna fight it.
When I used to summer in St.
Barths, there'd be these sexy Italian surfers, and they'd invite us to sunbathe on their boards.
I mean, they robbed us, but it was amazing.
Caroline, if you're looking for that kind of guy, I have a cousin who loves the water.
It's the only place he can move his legs.
- Oh, sweet.
No thanks.
- Well, think about it.
You'll be at the front row of every concert, and he doesn't move around a lot when he sleeps.
Here, give old Ironside my number.
What? I love music, and if he bugs me, the city has one of those free vans that'll take him home.
It's the surfer asking me out to dinner! And he thinks he can get us into the hot, new spot, Harlow and Daughters.
Oh, that's that trendy restaurant that replaced a perfectly good hot dog on a stick.
Good night, broke-ass divas.
Good night, Brokeback waiter.
I'm gonna go get a massage, and then, who knows? Maybe give one.
Oh, who am I kidding? I'm coming back here pregnant.
- Luis, can you work for me tomorrow? - Absolutely not, no.
Oleg's working, and I'll ask him to wear his fishnet tank top.
Then yes.
Dinner with a cute guy who has connections to the "A"-list place? I'm living my old life.
Hey, everybody.
Did your old life have one of these? Caroline, what is my number-one diner rule? Don't tell anyone the meat isn't real? Shh.
Come on.
If you can see it, it's real.
Don't tell anyone you buy the shrimp out of your friend's trunk? He lays down a blanket! No.
No phones.
Max, he got us the reservation! I'm going to dinner at the new "it" place.
Ooh, the "it" place! "Let's have dinner at the 'it' place.
" How come this isn't the "it" place? This isn't an "it" place.
It's more of an "it" hole.
Okay, so how do we become an "it" place? First, burn the place down, start fresh.
Then you create hype by making it impossible to get a reservation.
You basically refuse to let anyone in.
Can I be the first? Okay, I've put my date purse together.
I've got my gum, my gloss, and a $20 bill to make it seem like I have money, which I will return to the register at the diner tomorrow.
Well, you're welcome to use my date purse.
It's a Ziploc with a cigar and a change of boxers.
And my phone is fully charged, so I can call an uber car to take me home.
An uber car? You can't afford a fancy town car.
Yesterday, you used an English muffin to exfoliate.
Yeah, and then I ate it.
Plus, it's on our joint credit card, which means every time you make a dumb purchase, you owe me a joint.
I don't want to have him take me home and give him the wrong idea.
Oh, please do give him the wrong idea.
Stay out all night with the surfer.
Ride his half-pipe.
That's not surfboard, that's snowboard.
Perfect, 'cause I'm snow-bored with this conversation.
What do you think? These things on full display? I hate to be that roommate, but I didn't say you could borrow my breasts.
What? It's just a push-up bra, chicken cutlets, a little tissue, and some tape.
You know, natural.
Just go on your date already! Nancy and I have been really looking forward to you leaving so we can walk around naked and do some lines of cat nip.
Ooh, that must be him.
Don't worry, he's not coming inside.
He better not, cause we can't afford a baby.
- Oh, it's just Sophie.
- "Just Sophie"? That was the name of my talk show in Poland.
Oh, how I wish I could have been a guest on that show.
No, there were no guests.
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