Happy St.
Patrick's day! Guinness and Irish cream cupcakes for everyone! Enjoy your blackout! These are the last 12 cupcakes.
Actually, two of them are just potatoes from the diner.
At some point I started putting green icing on anything I could find.
Max, we haven't been so busy since someone spray-painted free sex stuff on the wall outside.
And you said I'm not good at marketing.
Happy St.
Patrick's day.
Bridget, Patrick, John, Mary, and you, the little one, come over here.
We're here to pick up our order.
Huh.
Should be here to pick up birth control.
Coming right up.
Max, I know I told you I hated St.
Patrick's day because the only people who go out are drunk trash We prefer to be called "intoxicated garbage.
" But that was before I knew that drunk trash carried cash.
Nobody gonna pinch me today, 'cause I got all this green.
Oh, money's involved, and all of a sudden you're Erin go Bragh? Or in your case, "Erin go training bra"? Who wants cupcakes? Yay! It was so worth being open this morning.
We can use this St.
Patrick's day money to spring for some new pillows.
Or even just pillows.
Or just go to a bar and fall asleep on a couple of fat guys.
Okay, how much did we make? Show me the money.
$351! Show me the rest of the money.
Fine, I took $3.
That's it? Fine, I took 5.
Can't a bitch get a foot-long? But we worked so hard.
I have so much green under my fingernails it looks like I had really good sex with shrek.
What other kind could you have with him? Green guys make black guys look like white guys.
I love St.
Patrick's day.
Tell me one good thing about it.
Top o' the mornin'! Look, it's a Lepre-Han.
So what do you think? I'm concerned.
If you're out here, Who's guarding your lucky charms? You laugh now, and probably all night long, but with this costume my chances of getting laid are higher than ever.
So zero? Nope, 100%.
What makes you so confident? 'cause the only answer I can think of right now is that you have cocaine in your wee pocket.
Hey, I can see it.
You're out drunk on St.
Patrick's day, And it seems like a good idea to bang a Leprechaun.
Like the Presidents' Day I hooked up with a guy dressed like uncle sam at the used car lot.
This costume is my ace in the hole.
Well, it does make you look like an ace hole.
Nice outfit, Han.
You look like a pimp I used to use in Vietnam.
Come on, let's hit the parade.
Look, Oleg, this is America.
You could have an accent or a suspicious package, but you can't have both.
Relax.
It's just my inventory.
I'm gonna sell t-shirts.
That is revolting.
Put me down for five.
You might also be interested in my other choice product.
Pee funnels.
I might also not be interested in that product.
It's a disposable funnel for upwardly mobile, elegant, Young ladies who want to stand and pee in the street like a man.
I mean, have you seen those parade port-a-potties? Seen 'em? I was conceived in one.
Just slip one of these babies into your pants And go pee in the park, no muss, no fuss.
Well, a little muss, some fuss.
And possibly a very unpleasant paper cut.
That's revolting.
Put me down for five.
Better make it six, 'cause if it's for ladies, Han's definitely gonna need one.
Max, barhopping with a horny Leprechaun And a pee funnel salesman? Not exactly my scene.
Can't you just go with Deke? This is boyfriend stuff, meaning he's gross like you.
I know, but he's snowboarding somewhere called vail with something called a family.
Here, we gotta lay down a layer of grease to absorb all the booze we'll be drinking tonight.
This'll hold us over till our 3:00 a.
m.
street meet, Which'll hold us over till our noon-30 rooty-tooty fresh and fruity breakfast.
Come on, start layering.
I miss my old St.
Patrick's day tradition.
Wanna hear it? Hell, no.
Well, from 16 to 21, my friends and I Boys were there too, Even though technically they weren't allowed By 16, I was thrice divorced and a member of the electricians' union, but go on.
We'd rent a big suite at the plaza overlooking the parade, And we'd fill balloons with champagne and And throw them down at the parade crowd! So fun, right? Oh, wait, that was you guys? One year you hit me and my friend archie.
He sells car seat covers in Rhode Island now.
He's doing pretty well.
Max, why are you dragging ass on the night I'm supposed to get some? Stop talking about sex wearing that body.
It's gross.
We've been stuck in traffic for, like, an hour.
I could've had And broken the Guinness World Record for most Guinnesses.
Is this cab even moving? Is that a new McDonald's or the same one? It's the same one, Unless that bum's on a masturbation tour of Manhattan.
Come on! Make 'em move! Hit the horn again! If you touch my horn again, I cut your hand off! Okay, big shot.
Do it.
Do it, if it'll get us there faster.
Look, I know I said I'd spring for a cab, but it's $70! And I'm gonna need that for a junior king room At the holiday inn express! Don't worry, Han, we'll chip in.
No, we won't.
We need that $356.
That's all we made today.
It has to last till we're 82.
This is our funeral money, Max.
Don't worry, we'll make more money.
Not much more, but a little bit.
Damn it! I can hear the bagpipers coming this way.
They're playing closing time.
That means the parade's over.
Now I'm never gonna sell the pee funnels.
All right, I gotta move some t-shirts.
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