Hi! Today's special is clam chowder, and today's advice is: Don't eat it.
Do you have Eggs Benedict Cumberbatch? You are really killing it tonight, Mary, and leaving no evidence.
We're coming from Sherlock-con.
It's like Comic-con, but for Sherlock Holmes fans.
So it's way cooler.
Excuse me for a sec.
There's another waitress here who is gonna be a big fan of all of this.
You're welcome for what I'm about to show you.
Look, guess what they are.
Time-traveling lesbians.
We're not lesbians.
I am.
What is this? What just let out? A sale at the Burlington Coat Factory? They're Sherlock Holmes super-fans coming from a convention, which means there are a lot of cats home alone right now.
Well, I'd say the only mystery is who here gets laid the least.
Hello.
Cracked it, Watson.
One of those Sherlock ladies left her carpal tunnel brace in here.
No address, but there's a card that says, "in case of emergency, dial 1-800-chocolate.
" And I'll take that.
Okay, everybody.
It's that time again.
The diner's big spring clean! Oh, my God, has it been six years already? Too bad I just developed carpal tunnel.
Max, do you think you can fake a stroke? Fake a stroke, fake an orgasm, basically anything that will get me out of work.
Okay, we have lots of chores to do, and somebody will have to double up, because earl asked me not to speak to him for the rest of the night.
Didn't I tell you to keep my name out your mouth? So, girls, what do you say we make it fun, huh? I'll read a chore.
You raise your Haned.
Scrape the fat puddle from under the stove! No takers? Next.
Clear the spider community in the walk-in! No takers? Next.
Clear the spider community in the dish room! No takers? Han, sorry, I can't clean.
I have carpal tunnel.
The doctor says I can't put any pressure on my wrist.
And I can't clean either, Han.
It's my jaw.
I've got real bad "T.
M.
Z.
" Oh, you girls are so full of crap, like that third stall in the men's room.
Any takers? She was so friendly in the job interview.
Bonjour, Max.
Oh, Chef Nicolas.
Why am I seeing you outside of pastry school? Is it about my flan? Because no one likes that stuff anyway.
Oh, no, that's not why I'm here.
I want to speak to Caroline.
But, yes, I gave your flan a "C"-minus.
It was flat.
Hmm.
I'll go get her.
Wow.
First time a teacher's ever called me flat.
Ow, ow, ow! Oh, my wrist! Oh, I thought you were Han.
Please, I'm twice the man he is.
Nicolas is here.
What? No, no, no! He can't be in my personal life! I'm having a hard enough time avoiding working with him at pastry school.
Did I just call the diner my personal life? I think so.
I wasn't listening.
So what do I tell him? Tell him he's married, and I don't go out with married men.
Tell him what we had was a passing flirtation.
Tell him now it's over, and he has to move on.
Got it, you died in a grease fire.
She's not here yet.
Oh, well, will she be coming? Will she be coming? Nope, not anytime soon.
Okay, I'll text her.
Au revoir, Max.
Sir, don't take this the wrong way, but you are one fine-looking man.
Well, thank you very much.
And back at you.
Tell me something I don't know.
Look at this.
Nicolas already texted me.
"Will you have dinner?" what should I do? Just ignore it, like I'm doing with that table That's flagging me down right now.
I'm putting a stop to this Nicolas thing.
"I'll have dinner with you when you leave your wife.
" And se-end.
If you ever say "se-end" again, We're not gonna be "fri-ends.
" Hey, everybody! I just got back from Sundance.
I saw ten Mark Ruffalo movies, and I got to watch Catherine Keener DJ.
Whoever that is.
I was in an indie movie once.
Well, a guy filmed me eating a sloppy joe in the dressing room of a sport chalet.
Sophie, how did you get into the Sundance Film Festival? Oh, I'm dating one of the bigwigs.
He drives the Miramax party bus, and he wears a big wig.
So I'm thinking about producing my own movie.
You know, getting into the biz, babe.
Sophie, if you need an actor, let me know.
But I'll only do full frontal.
I'll also do partial frontal or just penis close-ups.
And if you need someone to play God, a judge, or an old guy sitting on a porch, I'm your man.
Everyone, keep piping your cakes.
Keep piping.
Max, vite, vite.
You need to pipe that more.
That's funny, because my high school guidance counselor told me I need to pipe way less.
Max, you are falling behind today.
Where's your Deke? In my pants, where it always is.
Oh, you mean Deke.
He's got the flu.
It's everywhere.
No one can shake it.
It's like Taylor Swift.
Yeah, or Pitbull.
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