Welcome to the Williamsburg Diner, my name is Max 'cause the hospital wouldn't let my mother name me "Oops".
I've been out of town all summer, anything new? Anything new? Let's see, well Facebook went public and Edward Snowden went private.
Kim and Kanye had a baby, so now there's another Kardashian to not keep up with.
Paula Deen is out, gay marriage is in, and a teacher in California's out for letting her students get it in.
Justin Bieber got a hit-and-run, Chris Brown got a hit-and-run, Rihanna got hit and still didn't run.
Oprah gave Lindsay $2 million, cunnilingus gave Michael Douglas throat cancer, and Michael Douglas gave guys everywhere another excuse not to do that.
Egypt went crazy, Amanda Bynes went crazier, and the NSA checks our phone like a crazy ex-girlfriend.
Oh, and Texas hates women, Florida hates blacks, And everybody hates everything with the exception of Angelina Jolie, who is totally awesome.
I meant on the menu.
Anything new on the menu? I have no idea.
Let me check.
Hey, Caroline, anything new I should know about? The royal baby smiled at the queen.
I meant at the diner.
Oh.
I think we're maybe washing the forks now? Let me check.
Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh See, Max, one quick change, and we went from polyester and pitiful to powerful and proud.
Just like superman.
Except that superman changed in a phone booth, not a stall that says, "for a good time, call Max.
" Well, if you have a problem with it, why did you write it? 'Cause I didn't have enough eyeliner to write, "for an interesting time, call Caroline.
" Look.
Look, Earl, we're wearing our "Max's homemade cupcakes" t-shirts again.
See the logo? Well, actually, I try never to look you ladies in the "chestal" area.
It keeps things on the up and up.
Oh, Earl, you are one in a million, literally, 'cause 999,999 men have only looked me in that area.
Well, I got to go home.
I'm binge-watching Dharma & Greg on Hulu.
Oh, I missed so much growing up in Korea.
What, like puberty? Max, in my country I'm average height.
And in my mind, I'm still rich, and my health care plan isn't Flintstones chewables.
So who wants to go in the back and see how amazing our brand-new cupcake shop is? Bring down the enthusiasm, Rachael Ray.
Right, we're not supposed to get all excited about this opening tonight.
Last time, we made a big deal, and the shop didn't do so well.
Ha! That's like saying the people near the nuclear explosion didn't do so well.
Girls, I am so proud of you two, getting back up on that horse.
After my first jazz record didn't sell, I turned to a life of drinks, drugs, and loose women.
Funny how sometimes things just work out right.
But how can you be opening your cupcake window right now? - It's 2:00 A.
M.
! - Our hours are 2:00 to 4:00.
We're targeting the "post bars" demographic.
Drunk Williamsburg guys.
That's my target when I'm by myself and now my target at the new shop.
Funny how sometimes things just work out right.
We have no big expectations about the opening tonight.
It's a soft opening.
What's the difference between a soft one and a hard one? You want me to show him? Thanks, but we're cool.
Seriously, it won't take me a minute.
It's fine, Oleg.
Just so you know, I'm already there.
Get ready, this room's had an amazing transformation.
- Rachael Ray? - I mean, it's fine, whatever.
Han, before we go in, close your eyes.
I want you to get the full effect.
Yeah, and I want to trip you.
- She's kidding.
- No, she's not.
Yeah, I'm not.
Han, I promise, I won't let her trip you.
Now, close your eyes.
- What? - Now, I thought she was going to hit me.
- She was not.
- Yeah, I was.
Okay, no more blind eye bull crap.
Just show me the damn smelly back room.
Let me turn off the lights for a more dramatic impact.
What? I didn't do anything.
It was me.
He now knows what hard is.
I cannot believe my eyes.
I felt the same way when I first saw you.
Original tan, original tile, original too.
What do you think, Oleg? Nice.
"Nice"? All you got is "nice?" This place was like Great Adventure for rats! They were waiting in line to bite us.
Caroline, show them your bite marks.
- I'd rather not.
- Nice? It used to smell like the place poop comes to die.
Or death comes to poop.
And look what we did! We created the greatest, coolest, chic-est cupcake shop, and I love it! But you know, no enthusiasm.
Just soft opening.
And, Han, this was all possible because you gave us the space rent-free.
Rent-free? Now, refresh my memory.
When exactly did I say "rent-free?" On the 27th, 4:15 P.
M.
, you said, "I don't care about that dump, you can have it for free.
Burn it to the ground, for all I care.
" I knew learning English would come back to bite me in the ass.
Somebody's already knocking? That's a really great sign, Max.
Time to open.
Look, girls, I'm blowing this party horn for you.
Thanks, Sofie, but we didn't want to make a big deal, it's a soft opening.
Oh, I love a soft opening.
- Hello, Sophie.
- Oh, hello, Oleg.
Sorry, Sofie, about this uncomfortable meeting.
If we had known you were going to surprise us, - we wouldn't have invited Oleg.
- Yeah, I was there when you two broke up and I'm still suffering from PTSD.
"Post-traumatic Sophie drama.
" There's no drama.
And the award for the best drama goes to Not us.
Right, Oleg? Yes, we're friends now.
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