Uhm what's happening right now? Max, are you smoking crack? It's not crack.
It's lipstick.
I can't afford crack.
I'm at the end of my good lipstick and I can't afford to buy a new one so I'm going all Breaking Bad.
"Breaking Bad"? We're more like broke and sad.
You're freebasing lipstick and look, this heel is starting to wobble.
Here, stick this in and hold it.
I swear I've said that before, but I don't think it was about shoes.
Yo, dollface.
It's been ten minutes! His chowder, my spaghetti.
Where's the food? "Where's the food"? Where's your neck? I wasn't listening.
I was looking at your boobs.
Well, I do what I can but they'll never be as big as yours.
Pick up.
Meatball.
Hey, hot stuff.
Where's the hot stuff? Oh, Max.
You were right.
This heel is much more--no.
No, wait! No, it's not.
It's gonna-- Those are the biggest balls those guys have had in their laps since they started steroids.
Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh And the Pre Approved Credit Card Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh I can't believe you masking taped the shoe to your leg.
I know but these are Christian Louboutins and even all busted up like this they still have the classic red bottoms.
You know what else has red bottoms? Baboons.
Walk around with a couple of them on your feet and I'm impressed.
Well, at least now you can't see those stupid bows.
Who put bows on their shoes? What's the gift? Your stinky feet? You don't think I hate the bows? I bought these as an impulse purchase over a year ago.
I didn't know I'd be shackled with them for eternity.
Oh, Caroline.
I never noticed you had a club foot.
I would have set you up with my brother.
I broke my shoe in the diner.
Oh, I can help.
I always carry my gym shoes in my bag.
I'm sorry they're so conservative but the weight room is a real meat rack.
Sophie, that's so sweet of you.
But I still have one pair of my own shoes to wear.
Oh, well take them just in case.
You should take them.
You'll make $20 just walking to work.
And some of your mail got mixed in with mine.
This is like the third time that mail lady did that.
All right.
Nighty night.
Max, you will not believe what just came addressed to you.
Let me explain.
I'm not a scientologist.
I just went that one time because I heard some rich guy was looking for a wife.
No, we've been pre-approved for a credit card.
What? How the hell did we get pre-approved? It says all we have to do is go online and apply and we can be approved in under two minutes.
Slow down, Quasimodo.
I can't have a credit card.
Someone gave me a bag of Chips Ahoy! cookies once and I ate the entire thing without breathing.
Well, you're not a child any more.
You have more discipline.
The cookies were yesterday.
Okay, what is that thing? What is that spinning wheel? It's just processing our application.
No, it's not.
It's finding out everything about us.
Now it's finding out your dad stole millions of dollars.
Now it's finding out I got fired from eight Dairy Queens.
Now it's finding out why I got fired from eight Dairy Queens.
Oh, my God.
Max, we're approved.
We've just been approved.
What? What is wrong with them? Does Dairy Queen report nothing? Get back on there and disapprove us.
Okay.
Calm down.
We need this card for our business.
All we have to do is communicate with each other about every purchase, you know? Keep an open dialogue.
So, opening dialogue.
For our business, I would like a pair of Louboutins.
Opening dialogue.
No.
And I felt stupid miming that.
I hate the arts.
Look, you can't get everything you want.
I would like a box of lizards.
Love lizards, always have, but you don't see me putting that on a credit card.
I need a new pair of shoes for business meetings.
You know what they say, "dress for the job you want, not the job you have".
Okay, fine.
If you're getting the shoes, then I'm getting what I want.
I hope you're happy with an apartment full of lizards and lipstick.
Also, some of those lizards will be wearing lipstick.
Earl, you are looking particularly gorgeous this evening.
Well, I would say, "don't flatter me" but let's face it.
Everything came together tonight.
Is it another woman? Should I be filled with anger? I mean, more than I usually am? I just want to look nice for my son when he comes in.
What? No way, I'm going to meet your kid? Well, one of them.
"One of them"? How many do you have? So far? Oh, Earl, I love you.
This is my son, Darius.
He's the number one Chrysler salesman in all of Detroit, and he's my very favorite, if he's the one I'm thinking of.
Excuse me, but aren't you Max of Max's Homemade Cupcakes? Earl, look.
Our credit card came in the mail today.
See? "Max Black".
No more using the card I found at Six Flags.
Thank you for never checking your statement, Agnes Chin.
Girls, take my advice and be very careful with that thing.
Credit cards are more trouble than a priest at a Wiggles concert.
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