Look at all these customers from the Brooklyn midnight ride.
I smell diner success! Really? 'Cause I smell baked crotch.
Can balls fart? Because I feel like I'm smelling that too.
Where is Oleg with my orders? If my tables don't get food soon, they're gonna Oh, my God, they're raising their arms.
Ugh! Well, we know it wasn't a charity ride to raise money for deodorant.
Oleg, where are my burgers? I'm a little in the weeds right now.
You mean you smoked a little weed right now? It's medicinal.
Helps with my chronic erection.
Can someone who's not in the grateful dead tell me how we're gonna get food? Follow me.
You do plates, buns, coleslaw.
I'll do burgers, fries, and any guy who has no future.
Can you imagine if we were born inside shells, and then even bigger animals cracked us open to eat? Fries on the plates! Is anybody writing this gold down? All right, Oleg.
I want in.
Where's the or the or the Oh, my God, am I deaf? Wait, where is it? I put it somewhere.
Ooh, a French fry.
Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh And the Cupcake War Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh Hey.
I don't know where you guys are in your bike training.
Are we doping or deserting? I can help you either way.
We're thinking about dessert.
Cool, how about a Max's Homemade Cupcake? Eh, I don't think so.
How's that cherry pie? Nice.
The family of mice that lives in it just renewed their lease.
So, a Max's Homemade Cupcake? You keep saying "Max's Homemade Cupcakes" like it's a thing.
I've never heard of it.
I haven't either.
And we know a lot.
And yet you put that headband on this morning.
- So who's Max? - Yeah, who's Max? Who's Max? She's Lance Armstrong's left nut.
- What? - Nothing.
Caroline, you know I'm not one to gossip, but just about 30 seconds ago, I saw Max drop some major attitude and blow a chance with a possible cupcake customer.
That's your gossip? That Max has an attitude? What are you gonna tell me next, that Elton John is gay? Anyways, I'm just saying about Max, bitch needs to take it down a notch.
Bitch needs to mind his own business.
Max, did you blow a possible cupcake customer tonight? You know I don't mix business with pleasure.
We have to keep pushing our cupcakes.
Every table, every time, "Max's Homemade Cupcakes.
" I did.
I said my name to that table more times than my mother said it my entire life.
But you can't just say the name.
You have to really sell it.
You should see me out there.
"Hope you saved room for one of our delicious Max's Homemade Cupcakes.
They're moist, delicious, creamy" Stop.
I can't believe I'm saying this, but I am not a whore.
Oh, you're a cupcake whore, and right now I'm your pimp, so How many did you sell tonight? Two.
Don't hit me, daddy! Okay, how many did you sell tonight? I sold two.
Okay, we're bad whores.
No, we are tired whores.
It's not the end of the world.
We're just letting a few El Caminos drive by because our wrists are sore.
I love you for that.
You just put everything into perspective.
So I says to Caroline, "it's so bad for business.
" And right now they're in the kitchen having huge fight.
I really worried that Lady Chatterbox says your business is in big trouble.
Please, everything seems big to Han.
Ready to go, Sophie? And girls, sorry to hear your business broke up and you aren't speaking.
We scared him.
Now he's gonna run under the stove.
I'm gonna make some calls to help you.
Get you some big party jobs.
That's so nice of you, Sophie.
We really appreciate it.
You girls can make some big money.
As you know, Duza Day is coming up.
Um, no, I do not know.
What the hell is Duza Day? Oh, Duza Day is huge holiday in Polish community.
When a Polish girl reaches six feet, you give her big party.
I had mine when I was seven.
Is this private giggling or can anyone join? - What are you watching? - My favorite show.
Abby & Brittany, the show about those cute conjoined twins with two heads, one torso? Already watched it.
They fought about a necklace.
Now I'm watching Cupcake Wars.
If our team wins Cupcake Wars, we're gonna use the $10,000 prize to finally open up our own storefront.
Wait, $10,000? What kind of show is this? I thought Google eliminated the need to ask questions out loud, but fine.
It's a show on food network where teams make cupcakes and compete for money.
And why are we not on it? Look at that dumb-dumb! She just dropped the pastry bag.
Hey, they're called hands, learn how to use them, dumb-dumb! And that is why we're not on it.
Not everyone's as judgmental as you.
Oh, everyone's as judgmental as me.
And I don't need some snarky bitch pointing at us on her TV going, "oh, look at that blonde dumb-dumb and her hot friend trying to do something.
" Max, why don't you ever let yourself dream? Because in my dreams, spiders are always eating my eyes.
This might be the big push we need.
We can go on Cupcake Wars, or we can keep being cupcake whores.
Think about it.
We wouldn't have to go car-to-car anymore, we could actually open a brothel.
Wait, if brothel's on the table, why don't we just forget about this cupcake thing? 'Cause that's a job I can do without pants.
Seriously.
Let's at least go to the food network and apply.
That's not how it works.
You fill out an application online, submit a two-minute home video, and then wait eight to ten days for a response.
Huh, caught you dreaming.
All right, so maybe I thought about it for, like, a second, when we first became a team.
But then I remembered the world's a dead-end and nothing good happens ever to anyone.
There's a gun in that drawer.
Do you want to just kill ourselves? Oh, Max.
You finally called us a team.
We are so going on that show.
Seriously, I don't know how Abby and Brittany do it, because I'm uncomfortable with you even sitting this close to me.
Well, if we're making an audition tape to be on a reality show called, "the world's most uncomfortable T-shirt," we have already won.
Yes, I could have gotten us a more expensive shirt at American Apparel, but then we would just look like people pretending to be poor.
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