- GET THE BIRTHDAY CANDLE READY, 'CAUSE HERE COMES CHESTNUT'S CARROT CAKE! - I KNOW WE WANT THIS TO BE SPECIAL, BUT CHESTNUT IS A HORSE.
ANY DAY HE'S NOT BEING MADE INTO AN IKEA MEATBALL IS A BIRTHDAY.
- AND REMEMBER, EVEN THOUGH IT'S HIS TENTH BIRTHDAY, WE HAVE TO PRETEND HE'S SIX OR HE'LL BE IN A BAD MOOD ALL WEEK.
SURPRISE! both: HAPPY BIRTHDAY, CHESTNUT! - MAX! HE WAS SUPPOSED TO DO THAT! - WHAT? I KNOW WHAT HE WISHED FOR.
THAT ONE DAY, HE AND I LIVE IN A WORLD WHERE OUR LOVE IS RECOGNIZED AND WE HAVE THE SAME RIGHTS AS GAY COUPLES.
- THERE YOU GO, BABY.
- HEY, LOOK, HIS SHOE JUST FELL OFF.
OR MAYBE HE KICKED IT OFF 'CAUSE HE'S GETTING READY TO PAR-TAY.
- WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO? WE DON'T HAVE ANY MONEY.
I WANTED A MASSAGE LAST WEEK, SO I JUST SAT NEXT TO SOMEONE ON THE BUS WHO LOOKED LIKE HE'D TOUCH ME.
- I MAY HAVE AN IDEA HOW WE CAN GET 'EM.
A GUY I PICKED UP AT OKTOBERFEST IS A BLACKSMITH.
AT LEAST I THINK HE WAS.
I REMEMBER A LEATHER APRON AND SOMETHING BEING HEATED IN A FIRE.
- OOH OOH OOH OOH OOH [cash register bell dings] OOH OOH OOH OOH OOH OOH OOH - WELL, I FOUND MY BLACKSMITH.
HE NOW SHARES AN ARTISAN BARN WITH A LADY WHO MAKES CLOTHING OUT OF BEES.
- I GUESS THAT'S WHY OUR CUPCAKE SHOP DIDN'T WORK.
WE WEREN'T PROVIDING A SERVICE THAT EVERYONE NEEDS.
- I LOOKED AT OUR BOY, AND NOT ONLY DOES CHESTNUT NEED FOUR NEW SHOES, HE HAS A HOOF FUNGUS.
- A HOOF FUNGUS? THAT'S SO GHETTO.
- I'M PRETTY SURE HE GOT IT FROM ME BECAUSE WE SHOWER TOGETHER.
AND THE COST OF NEW SHOES AND VET FEE? $1,400.
- [sighs] MAX, I FEEL AWFUL.
I'M A BAD MOTHER.
- YOU'RE NOT A BAD MOTHER.
I KNOW BAD MOTHERS.
I CAME OUT OF ONE.
- LADIES, WHAT'S HAPPENING OVER THERE? YOU KNOW A GATHERING OF MORE THAN TWO WHITE PEOPLE MAKES ME NERVOUS.
- EARL, ONE OF THEM'S ASIAN.
- AH, SAME THING.
- WHO WOULD I TALK TO ABOUT THE DINER? WE'RE INTERESTED IN RENTING THIS LOCATION TO FILM A TV SHOW.
WE THINK YOUR DINER WOULD BE A GREAT PLACE TO KILL SOMEONE.
- I GET IT.
'CAUSE EVERY TIME I COME IN HERE, I DIE A LITTLE.
- HERE'S MY CARD.
TOM WOO, LAW & ORDER: SPECIAL VICTIMS UNIT.
- SHUT YOUR FACE, TOM WOO! I LOVE ALL THE LAW & ORDERS, ESPECIALLY SVU.
THEIR STORIES ARE RIPPED FROM THE HEADLINES, AND I DON'T READ THE NEWSPAPER, SO THAT'S WHERE I GET ALL MY NEWS.
- COOL.
LET ME GO GET THE DIRECTOR.
THAT'S HIM OVER THERE.
- LOOK HOW CUTE THE DIRECTOR IS.
HE'S MY RUGGED GUY TYPE.
NOT REALLY RUGGED AT ALL, BUT BUYS EXPENSIVE, RUGGED-LOOKING CLOTHING FROM SAKS 5TH AVENUE.
- HI.
DJ KINGSLEY.
- NICE BEARD.
YOU GROW OUT THAT STUBBLE OR JUST SET YOUR RAZOR TO "JASON STATHAM.
" - EXCUSE ME, SIR.
YOU'VE GOT A GREAT FACE.
HAVE YOU EVER DONE ANY EXTRA WORK? - WELL, I WAS IN THE 1973 CLASSIC SCREAM, BLACKULA, SCREAM.
PAM GRIER KICKED ME IN THE NUTS AND CALLED ME A "JIVE TURKEY.
" - IF YOU'D CONSIDER IT, I'D LOVE TO HAVE YOUR LOOK IN THE EPISODE.
- HEY, WHAT ABOUT ME? YOU CAN SHAVE MY HEAD, DRAG ME BEHIND A CAR, OR ANYTHING ELSE I'VE ALREADY DONE FOR FREE.
- SURE.
AND YOU MUST BE AN ACTRESS.
YOU'RE WAY TOO PRETTY TO JUST BE A WAITRESS.
- THANK YOU! IN FACT I HAVE DONE A LITTLE ACTING.
IN HIGH SCHOOL, I PORTRAYED FANTINE IN LES MISERABLES.
- JUST HEARING YOU SAY THAT MAKES ME "MISER-OBBLE.
" - WELL, HOW ABOUT IT? YOU WANNA HANG WITH ME AND BE AN EXTRA ON SPECIAL VICTIMS UNIT? - IT PAYS 112 A DAY PLUS WHATEVER YOU NORMALLY MAKE IN TIPS.
- OH, SO ABOUT 115? I'M IN.
MAMA NEEDS A NEW PAIR OF HORSESHOES.
- SO WHERE'S THE BOSS? - I'M THE BOSS, BUT I'LL GET THE GUY WHO OWNS THE PLACE.
OLEG! THEY'RE SHOOTING A TV SHOW HERE, AND THE BACK OF MY HEAD OR THE SIDE OF MY BOOB IS GONNA BE IN IT! - GOOD FOR YOU, MAX.
I WAS ON UKRAINE'S VERSION OF BIG BROTHER ONCE, BETTER KNOWN AS JUST LIVING IN UKRAINE.
- HAN! LAW AND ORDER: SPECIAL VICTIMS UNIT WANTS TO SHOOT IN THE DINER, AND IF YOU DON'T SAY YES, YOU'LL BE MY SPECIAL VICTIM WHEN I CUT YOUR UNIT OFF.
- PLEASE SAY YES, HAN.
THEY'RE GONNA PAY US TO BE IN THE BACKGROUND.
- BUT DO YOU KNOW HOW TO ACT? - ACTUALLY WE DO.
MY ACTING'S METHOD, WHEREAS HERS IS MORE METH HEAD.
[knocking on door] - HEY, COME IN.
AND REMEMBER, IF HE SAYS NO, HE DOESN'T MEAN IT.
HE JUST WANTS YOU TO FLIRT WITH HIM A LITTLE BIT.
- NOT SO FAST, MAX.
HELLO, I'M HAN LEE, THE OWNER AND PROPRIETOR.
- OH, "PROPRIETOR.
" THAT'S WORD'S BIGGER THAN YOU ARE.
- WHAT KINDA COMPENSATION DO YOU WANT? - WHOA, WHOA, MY ASIAN BROTHER.
SLOW DOWN! LET'S ENJOY THE DANCE.
- WE'D LIKE TO SHOOT HERE.
IT'S GOT THE RIGHT AMOUNT OF FUNK AND SKANK.
- [gasps] IF WE DO REAL GOOD IN THIS AND GET A SPIN-OFF, THAT'LL BE THE NAME OF OUR SHOW-- FUNK AND SKANK.
- OKAY, BUT I DON'T WANNA BE SKANK.
- OH, CLEARLY I'M SKANK.
- AND MAY I SAY I'M HONORED I HAVE SUCH A WORTHY OPPONENT TO BARTER WITH.
[speaking native language] - DUDE, I'M FROM PASADENA.
- I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS! I NEVER THOUGHT I'D BE IN A TV SHOW WHERE NO ONE WAS YELLING, "YOU ARE NOT THE FATHER!" - LET'S GO.
BRING IN THE WAITRESS EXTRAS.
- OOH, I LOVE THESE UNIFORMS! I FEEL LIKE BRENDA FROM 90210 WHEN SHE WAS DRESSED AS THAT '50s WAITRESS AT THE PEACH PIT.
- WELL, WHEN WE'RE THE BIG STARS OF FUNK AND SKANK, WE WON'T HAVE TO WEAR ANY UNIFORMS.
- BUT WAIT, AREN'T FUNK AND SKANK COPS? - UH, NO, THEY'RE HOOKERS.
- HOW ABOUT A COMPROMISE? COPS BY DAY, PROSTITUTES BY NIGHT? YOU KNOW, COPSTITUTES.
- EITHER WAY, WE'RE NEW YORK'S FINEST.
- OKAY, EVERYBODY, READY! HERE WE GO.
- [gasps] LOOK AT EARL OVER THERE.
- GOOD LUCK, EARL! - CAMERA ON THE DOOR.
SCENE EIGHT, TAKE ONE.
AND ACTION! SHOOTER COMES IN.
AND CUT! GOOD! RESET.
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