[Bell ringing] Pick up chicken breasts.
The way I know you want it, with the bone in.
We really should hold a seminar about sexual harassment in the workplace.
Why? He's already so good at it.
I'm serious.
How'd he like it if we did that to him every time we ordered? Well, let's find out.
Ordering.
[Rings bell] One pastrami.
Can you do me a favor, doll-face? Make it so big and thick, you can't get your mouth around it.
Can you do that for me? Yes, and two matzo ball soups, hold the balls.
Wait, I'll hold the balls, you just sit there and look pretty.
And a cream of nope, can't.
Just grossed myself out.
When is it going to get dirty? [Indie rock music] Max, come out.
If I came out, it would not be for you, it's be for that hot dragon tattoo girl.
Welcome, board members, to the very first financial assessment meeting of Max's homemade cupcakes.
I was told there would be a cheese plate.
After five months in business, we're showing a profit of $725.
I have to say, I'm a little disappointed.
Really? 'Cause, dude, we have so far exceeded where I thought we'd be in five months.
Look, we have to find a way to make more money on the side to put into the business.
Or we could quit now, while we're a success.
What are you talking about? It's only gonna get worse.
Or it could get better.
Why would you even say that? Because it's life, and life gets worse, that's what it does.
On life's resume, under special skills it says, "good at making things worse.
" - Do you always go to the worst-case scenario? Yup.
On my resume it says, "good at going to the worst case scenario.
" Do you think you could try to be more optimistic, and not expect the worst all the time? [Banging at the door] Who's that? More optimistic, right? On the other side of that door is all the money you lost, and then we move back into your townhouse, and I masturbate in your tub for a change.
It was twice, and you could have knocked.
Who is it? Detective James, NYPD.
Wait, don't open it! Don't open it! Oh, smoked it tuesday.
Open.
Sorry to bother you, miss.
Do you live in this apartment? I'm gonna tell you right now, officer, our names aren't on the lease.
We're an illegal sublet with no place else to go.
Please, mercy.
Sorry, officer, it's her first raid.
Relax, the landlord didn't send me.
- [Sighs] - What do you know about the tenant who lives in the apartment directly above you? His name is Lou.
Leo? Saul? Am I even close? His name's Nirham Chaduri.
Oh, man, I wasn't even on the right continent.
Is that Nirham Chaduri? Been dead for two weeks.
Lived alone, nobody knew.
Cats eat his face? Max, could you please not be so dark? Kittens eat his face? What? I'm just trying to put a more positive spin on things.
Where are you going with that? That's my good China with huckleberry hound on it.
I'm making a "hello" cupcake plate for our neighbors across the hall.
Oh, no, you're not.
It's weird not to know your neighbors.
No, it's weird not to know your father, but by the time you're four, you get over it and move on.
This is a mistake.
Who knows what's lurking behind that door? Yes, something awful, like nice people, who might look out for us, or say, "hello," in the hallway when they see you.
No matter what comes out of there, I will not be "hello-ing" it up in the hallway.
You got lucky.
Get back in here.
Who is it, please? - Caroline, your next-door neighbor.
Hi.
Uh, is this a bad time? Not at all.
One sec.
Hi.
I just wanted to introduce myself and my roommate, Max.
There, and give you these cupcakes.
That is so nice.
Well, it's the leash least least I can do.
Well, I gotta go.
Well, if we ever get a dog, we know who can walk it.
[Music thumping] - Listen.
- I know.
It's only been a few days, and somebody's already moved in upstairs.
And they are playing music! Music is coming through the floor into my ears.
I blame you for this.
When you knocked on that door across the hall, you might have opened a portal to hell.
There, you hear the devil music? I think it's the bee gees.
Exactly.
[Heavy thumping] And walking! Walking and music, we have to stop this right now.
It's 10:00, people are allowed to walk and play music.
Your lack of apartment knowledge is really starting to piss me off.
We have to show him right now not to screw us.
I need paper.
- What are you doing? I mean, besides over-reacting? Writing a threatening note.
If we don't shut this down now, next thing you know, someone's having an academy awards party in your living room.
Is that what you want? Strangers passing out mini Oscar statues that say, "best nachos?" "I have an unregistered gun and can shoot you through the floor"? You're coming in really hot, Max.
We're not giving him this.
It'll start a bad dynamic between us.
God, how I miss the quiet, dead indian guy.
Okay, we're gonna hit and run.
Oh, you mean "run," literally.
Shh, listen.
[Music thumping] Reading the note, freaking out [Music stops] Music off, problem solved.
Respect! Never doubt, never doubt.
[Heavy footsteps] Crossing the floor to the door, [door slamming] Closing the door, [footsteps] Coming down the stairs, [pounding at the door] What do we do? Move? [Pounding at the door] [Pounding at the door] What's he look like? He's got his finger over the peephole.
[Chuckles] Okay, game on.
Back up! This is my building, I've got to take it back.
- Max, this is life, not call of duty: Modern warfare 3.
Move.
What is meaning of this horrible, horrible note? Oh, you're not a man? What kind of question is this? Do I look like a man? No, but you clump around up there like a man.
Max, please.
Did you write this horrible, horrible note? I did.
First day in my new home and I'm given this horrible, horrible note, with threats.
Well, they're not actually threats.
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