1
MUSIC: I Wish It Could Be
Christmas Everyday by Wizzard
When the snowman brings the snow
Well, he just might like to know
He's put a great, big smile
on somebody's face
If you jump into your bed
Quickly cover up your head
Don't you lock the doors
You know that sweet
Santa Claus is on the way
Well, I wish it could
be Christmas every day
.
.
When the kids start singing
and the band begins to play
Oh, I wish it could be
Christmas every day.
I was just getting into that.
What are you doing?
Roast potatoes.
We're doing Christmas.
Christmas.
Christmas Day, December 25th.
You've heard of it?
No work today,
so the bottle's on the table.
I know we didn't have
decorations last year.
But, er
I couldn't find them last year.
They're only supposed to have
stored essentials here.
I think it's kind of adorable
someone thinks tinsel is essential.
I figured it'd be good for us
to have a meal, a drink, talk
Good for you or me?
Come on.
What has it been, five years?
How many sentences
have you said to me? Three?
I mean, I'm exaggerating
a little.
But, come on, there
is a little bit of
a conversational
drought happening here.
My ears need water.
I'm not big on conversation.
~ Practice makes perfect.
~ Maybe I'll bore you.
Buddy, look, at this point, being
bored by anything other than snow
would be a relief.
So come on.
Chitchat.
Conversate
Something.
Come on, for me.
For Christmas.
What do you want to talk about?
Why are you here?
No-one ends up here
without things going to total shit
for them back out there.
It's a job, not a jail.
Often one and the same thing.
So
.
.
what went wrong for you out there?
Nothing.
Bullshit.
It's not an interrogation!
What about you?
An icebreaker.
You're learning.
What went to shit for you?
~ Sure you don't want that drink?
~ Did you talk your way into trouble?
In a roundabout way.
I talked to people.
Made money from it.
Why? What were you?
Some sort of
a Los Angeles drive-time DJ?
I was not a DJ.
More like a guru.
Oh, don't say you were
a spiritual guru.
I was decidedly not
a spiritual guru.
'Hello, Harry.
I'm patched
through now.
How are you doing?'
Sorry, I'm not quite dressed yet.
'Don't worry that's why I'm here.
'Just show me what
you're planning on wearing
'and we'll take things from there.
'
~ How about this?
~ 'Doesn't work.
'It's boring blue and you're
not boring blue.
Not tonight.
'
Right.
Which one of these is good?
Like I said, white shirt
with a black tie
with a slim-cut grey jacket.
Classic, timeless.
Smart.
I don't usually do jackets.
You don't usually do anything.
And sort out that hair, because
OK.
Remember those breathing
techniques we talked about, OK?
You're going to do fine.
It's going to be fine.
She's cute.
Yes.
Not out loud.
Absolutely.
You need to pick your spots
when you want to talk out loud.
OK?
OK.
The function room
is in the back.
Trust me, if you walk
in there like you belong,
no-one's going to say anything.
OK.
So what were you running,
some corporate espionage outfit?
Romantic services.
Boy meets girl thanks to
"in-the-field assistance".
You coached dorks whilst
they cruised singles bars.
Singles bars are depressing.
We'd do regular bars and clubs.
But at Christmas time
we'd gate-crash office parties.
See, there's this dynamic
to Christmas work parties.
All the attractive women
have been surrounded by
regulation office ass-clowns
for the whole year,
and now they want to
let their hair down.
According to the pop psychologist.
So I know how the mind works.
'Now, don't stand
around like a lamppost.
'
Walk over to the bar.
'Remember.
Always
move with purpose.
'
Yeah, who's next?
Yeah.
Can I have a?
Three pints, a vodka Diet Coke
and a shot of tequila.
Yeah.
Don't worry about him,
all right?
Just grab one of those
empty bottles off the bar
while Captain Douchebag
orders his piss-water.
We're just going to need it
for a prop anyway.
Have a look around.
'See anything you like?'
What? The blonde?
The dark-haired girl?
Interesting choice.
Go straight over,
but focus on the blonde.
'Now.
Come on.
'Confidence.
You can do this.
'
Hold on, just finding
out who they are.
OK, bullshit opener.
Try the horse story.
At the blonde girl.
Hey, so, did anyone see that
guy outside riding the horse?
~ Did you see him?
~ What? A guy on a horse?
Yeah, like, 20 minutes ago,
this guy, shirtless,
~ riding a horse down
the high street.
~ Really?
Yeah, honestly.
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