1
Andrew, how much money did you steal?
Technically, it was you that
stole the money from the fund,
because I signed your
name on some documents.
Oh my God.
Mayor Splett, how does it feel
to be the hero of 7-Eleven?
Oh, I'm no hero.
I'm just a mayor.
I happen to consult for a number
of very large clients in Asia,
and they were very, very
impressed and delighted
- by your sermon.
- (Selina chuckles)
Ma'am, you wanna see this.
REPORTER: Poll watchers are reporting
that over 48,000 black
voters were turned away.
I think the Chinese just delivered.
Oh, uh, I need an itinerary.
Itineraries are only for people
who work on the campaign.
Wait, I'm fired?
I believe her words were,
"If I need another Washington douche,
I'll go to the M Street Rite-Aid.
"
The latest Super Tuesdays polls are in.
- Oh.
- You're up three in Texas.
- Eight in North Carolina.
- Ooh!
- Up two in Massachusetts.
- Nice!
Then we fly back to Virginia tonight,
pop into Alabama on the way,
and then a quick stop in Oklahoma City
for an hour-and-a-half rally.
That's an hour and 29 minutes too long
in that former Indian
concentration camp.
BEN: Looks like Kemi's got full
protection from the Secret Service.
What kind of affirmative
action bullshit is that?
Here's your speech, ma'am.
I
dumbed it down even more.
Good, 'cause the last one
looked like the toilet bowl
after William F.
Buckley
ate a thesaurus.
Kemi has been getting
some death threats.
Well, then we should leak
some of my death threats, OK?
I get some, don't I?
- KENT: Oh, yeah.
- GARY: So many.
Here's a couple that came in
while you were on the plane.
"I'm gonna break your fat
arms and strangle you"
Wait.
I don't have fat arms.
That's just criminally
insane And regular insane.
- Pick another one.
A plausible one.
- GARY: Yeah.
LEON: "Someone should put a bullet
in your shriveled old face.
"
No!
Just make up some death
threats that are nicer.
OK, I'll come up with a dozen.
Wait a minute.
Before I go onstage,
where are we now?
- I wanna say the South?
- Uh Well
- Gary, go find out where we are.
- GARY: Yeah.
LEON: Ma'am, there is a
small change to the speech.
We no longer use the Rosa story.
What are you talking about?!
- It kills every time.
Tears!
- I know.
Rosa was deported this morning.
They identified her from
details in your speech.
Well, that's impossible,
because I made her up.
Well, no, actually, ma'am, there's
a Rosa Sanchez in Tennessee
who has four kids and the
exact same dead-end jobs.
Oh, my God, you conjured her!
Yeah, right out of my
Stephen Glass-hole.
- Oklahoma City!
- REPORTERS: Madam President!
Any comment that a federal
grand jury in New York
is getting ready to indict
your husband, Andrew Meyer?
- He's my ex-husband.
- Can you respond to a rumor
that he's hired a new legal team and
is making a deal with prosecutors?
I can't hear you, so you're
gonna have to repeat that.
You have to repeat it.
That can only mean one thing, ma'am.
Andrew's gonna flip on you.
Goddamnit!
Tell my attorney to meet me in
the next filler state we're in.
'Cause last I heard, you
can't run for office
- and be in prison.
- BEN: Maybe in the House you can.
BEN: Ma'am, this Andrew
thing is everywhere.
Your unfavorables are rising
past "accidental ethnic slur"
- right into "men's room incident.
"
- Oh, God.
- SELINA: Catherine? OK.
- MARJORIE: Oh.
Shh.
This is the face of
clinical depression, ma'am.
With the hair of a mental patient.
Oh, my kingdom for a beret.
Listen, honey,
um, Daddy is in hiding again
and I know he calls you to
borrow money sometimes
Fight your own battles, Mother, OK?
I'm really struggling right now.
SELINA: OK, you know what,
if anyone should be depressed, it's me,
but I am stable as fuck.
(laughs)
Yeah, you are!
Your lawyer's waiting.
Karen!
- Madam President!
- Oh, I'm glad to see you.
- You too.
- Andrew might be cutting a deal,
which would just destroy me.
I have to stop you there, ma'am.
Andrew has hired me as his new attorney.
Oh Thank God.
So you can talk him out
of this deal, right?
But it's a very good deal.
For him.
- Karen
- (laughs)
you understand that
when I am elected president again,
I can issue Andrew a full pardon.
- Right?
- I wish you hadn't told me that.
And yet I'm also glad that you did.
I might be able to use it against you.
I wouldn't unless I have to.
Well, this has been a dry
fuck on a sandy beach.
It's always a pleasure
to see you as well.
Sure.
OK, well, listen,
will you tell Andrew that I'm
gonna be in New York on Friday?
So he can just come and
talk to me directly.
I can't advise my client
to do that, but I might.
Ohh God.
Any luck with the human Mobius strip?
Andrew's cutting a deal.
I could go to jail.
I don't look good in jumpsuits.
I mean, I do, but I don't.
Ya know.
- (knock on door)
- What?
Ma'am, we've got incoming.
I've got a buddy at WaPo who's working
on a story about South Carolina
and possible foreign
election interference.
OK, first of all,
call it the Washington
Post like a non-asshole,
and I don't know anything
about foreign interference,
and stop staring at me
like I'm some sort of
teenage runaway that you just strangled.
Yes, ma'am.
Oh, my God.
First Andrew,
and now this Washington
Post Chinese thing?
I mean, my God,
this is like having two
different Senators
with their hands up my skirt.
Which actually happened to me once
during a Supreme Court confirmation.
Without going into any legally
incriminating detail, ma'am,
how deep are you?
Keith Quinn is working with the Chinese.
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