1
SELINA MEYER: I love this country.
My candidacy begins right now!
- (cheers and applause)
- (music plays)
MIKE MCLINTOCK: Mike McLintock
- SELINA: I know who you are.
- BuzzFeed magazine
- Uh-huh.
Okay.
- Print edition.
Okay.
(applause)
REPORTER: What would you say
to someone who might ask,
"How can they marry?
They're stepsiblings?"
I'm not her brother, and I never was.
Except for that one year.
I'm thinking of having this baby
and I'm not asking anything
of you, literally nothing,
but I do want the baby to know
that you're the father
- Okay, goodnight, Dan.
- Goodnight, Amy.
Ma'am, you need to see this.
I believe that our country
will always be a shining
- beacon of hope.
- Oh, God, he looks good.
(hoedown music playing)
SQUARE DANCE CALLER: Now
bow to your partner
- Bow to your partner.
- Swing your partner
Swing your partner.
Ben, I really don't like
being told what to do.
Well, Felix Wade is the
biggest bundler in the party,
and he loves making
millionaires square dance.
Bad news, ma'am.
The US Attorney's Office in New
York has empaneled a grand jury
to investigate the Meyer
Fund, and they're looking
- What?! Shit!
- At Andrew as a target.
- CALLER: Swing the corner
- Around the corner.
- Oh Roger.
- Selina, looks like
we're swingin' together!
I would have invited my wife,
but she's a squirter, and that dress
doesn't look like it's
been Scotch-guarded.
Ever the charmer, Mr.
Party Chairman.
- Roll her away
- OK, when do we get
- the check from Felix?
- End of the weekend.
He's gonna make you official
at the final dinner.
Okay.
Well, for that amount
of money to my campaign,
I'll do-si-do for his do-si-dough.
CALLER: And give yourself a hand!
(crowd applauding)
Welcome to my 16th Annual
Discovery Weekend.
We're here in Aspen
to build bridges to the future.
Bridges made of ideas.
No wonder the rest of
the world hates us.
Gayle King is here!
- Oh, my God.
- (applause)
But you're not here
just to innovate
entrepreneurial solutions
to the problems of tomorrow
You wanna square dance!
- (hoedown music plays)
- I'm done with this.
SELINA: I've waited a
long time for this.
I guess Felix Wade
always thought I was
- BEN: A lightweight?
- Goddamnit, I hate that word.
- Why? You're so skinny.
- N Oh.
Yeah.
Ma'am.
Ma'am.
I ran a little intel,
and apparently the secret to Felix Wade
is to always repeat the last
two sentences that he says.
Oh, come on.
That is idiotic.
- That's what I said.
- Is he really that insecure?
Come on, that is idiotic.
He's really that insecure?
- Right? Gary gets it.
- FELIX: Madam President.
- Oh, Felix!
- I am thrilled
that you finally got lured to one
of our little get-togethers.
Well, I'll tell ya a secret,
it's the only reason I'm
really running for president.
(laughing)
Really? I feel like
you should have a better
reason than that.
Uh Um Well
Felix, can I talk to you for a moment?
It's been a delight.
I
will see you later.
It has been a delight,
and you shall see me later.
Thank you very much.
OK.
Isn't it astounding that the
next President of the United States
is being chosen by a
closeted ex-record producer?
The Electoral College hasn't exactly
been hitting it out of the park.
And is it just me, or does Felix's
friend seem a little young?
He'll look older after Felix
switches blood with him.
Ma'am, Felix Wade's sexuality
is the worst best-kept secret
since Clyde Tolson's
hysterical pregnancy.
The man lives in a
vast invisible closet.
- Sounds amazing.
- AMY: I'm gonna be sick.
Wow.
It always has to be about her.
- Never fails.
- Every time.
Can you see if they can make me
a specialty cocktail?
- Of course.
- Thank you.
(Amy retching)
(toilet flushing)
(Amy whimpers)
Gary.
I've been having an upset stomach,
'cause I, uh, I I ate
Ohhh!
(retching)
(toilet flushing)
AMY: Hey, do me a favor
and don't say anything to anyone
(grunts) OK
MIKE: There it is.
Hey, is Kim here?
No, she got fired for sleeping with you.
Buzzfeed runs a notoriously tight ship.
I should probably thank you.
You are lookin' at the new
Deputy Senior Editor.
They're puttin' me up,
and all I gotta do
is sit on some panel for
new media innovators.
What do you know about new media,
Mike29748@aol.
com?
Oh, no.
I got hacked.
It's Mike53729.
Still @aol though, right?
- Until I die.
- Right.
Ma'am.
Ma'am, ma'am.
Guess what?
- Amy's bulimic.
- What?!
- Well, it's about time.
- Yeah!
And I'll tell ya something,
she might want to consider
a little more purging, a
little less bingeing.
God, that girl can't do anything right.
- AMY: Ma'am, I am so sorry
- KENT: Amy, you got
some vomit on your mustache.
SELINA: What the Rocky Mountain fuck?!
Ben! I thought I was the only
candidate invited to this thing.
- So I was told.
- So why don't you go find out?
AMY: I'm gonna shut it down, ma'am.
Uh Tom!
Look what the Gulfstream dragged in.
Gosh, I didn't see a TED talk for
fake folksiness on the schedule.
4:30.
Kent, can you remind me real quick,
how many points am I beating Tom by?
Des Moines Register says 18 points.
Ooh, 18 points! Oh, my goodness!
That makes me moister than an oyster.
- Plus or minus four points.
- OK, still pretty moist.
Although a lot of Iowans
no longer have landlines.
- It's fine.
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