1
Well, this last year has been fun.
You know, really fun.
I mean, I'm not gonna lie.
You know, to have gotten
so close to the presidency
and then have the American people
and Congress reject me was, um
was devastating.
But, um
I did reacquaint myself
with an old friend of mine
by the name of Selina Meyer.
And I like her.
That's fantastic.
If you're just joining us,
former president and my
old boss Selina Meyer
is with us live for her
first public appearance
since the historic vote
in the House of Representatives
one year ago today.
Madam President, why now?
Well, Dan, I realized that I
have more of myself to give.
This is a big day, people.
Campaign starts right now,
because we are going
to make Buddy Calhoun
the next governor of this
dried coyote turd of a state.
My campaign manager and
fiancée, Amy Brookheimer.
Just say "campaign manager.
"
I love that enthusiasm.
Reminder Nevada is
the Sagebrush State
Yeah, so saddle up those emphysema
tanks, you inbred cousin-fuckers,
'cause we are going to drag this
state into the 20th century.
- That's right, I said 20th.
- (BUDDY CHUCKLES)
Tracy, how are we doing on yard signs?
Writing a memoir, I feel,
is a debt that a president
owes to history.
- Amen.
- Shh.
SELINA: And I'm doing my best
to help the scholars of the future
reckon with the Meyer years
Year.
um, um,
in America's
great tapestry of history.
Now, your predecessor,
- President Stuart Hughes
- Mm-hmm.
his memoir has reportedly fetched
an advance of $20
million, while yours
SELINA: Yeah, I'm really
much more focused
on the tapestry itself
the weave, the thread count,
the old lady at the loom
We're looking for a few small tweaks
in federal tax law concerning
independent contractors,
which brings us to our
very own mover and shaker,
Beltway Ben.
Thanks, Aiden.
What we need to do
Uh, I don't have a slide show thingy.
- Sorry.
- It's called a deck.
Great.
So, what we need to do
is to get this on to the
desk of Congressman Jarvis.
Without him, we don't
have a Chinaman's chance.
- I'm sorry, Ben.
- Yes?
Here at Uber and in
the rest of the world
the word "Chinaman" is considered
inappropriate.
No, no, no.
It's okay.
My wife is Oriental.
All of them have been.
I kind of got yellow "fev-ah.
"
(CHUCKLES)
Now, you've recently
drawn some criticism
- Mm-hmm.
- over an 11th-hour pardon
of billionaire, private
prison magnate Sherman Tanz,
who's under indictment of tax
evasion and bribery charges.
I have pardoned hundreds of
nonviolent drug offenders,
many of them adults, who
never learned to read,
which is a tragedy.
But Sherman Tanz
And that is why I'm
taking this opportunity
to announce my charitable organization,
the Meyer Fund for Adult Literacy.
Certainly a worthwhile cause, but if we
could bring it back to Sherman Tanz
And AIDS.
Wow.
- AIDS?
- Yes, AIDS.
AIDS is a big part of the tapestry.
Explain.
Connect the dots for me.
JONAH: My fellow representatives,
my conscience demands that
I speak out against HR723,
the so-called "Healthy
School Lunch Act.
"
Dessert is an apple.
I mean, it's no wonder kids
are shooting up schools
with lunches like these.
When I was a kid, I ate sloppy Joes,
pizza on a bagel.
The only green bean I ate
was a green jelly bean
and I grew up to be so tall,
my stupid mom had to
get a different car.
I will fight against green beans
the same way that I fought
against my deadly disease
called cancer.
For the children.
Yeah, well, I think
sometimes people forget
that I was the first female president.
- Before Montez.
- Oh, that's right.
Well, speaking of
President Laura Montez,
she won the Nobel Peace Prize for
her work in Tibet.
Unprecedented.
- What did you think of her speech?
- Ugh.
I didn't really get a chance
to see it because I was
(COUGHING) I was out of the country.
This is really great.
- No!
- Uh-oh.
Ho, ho, ho, ho!
- (SINGING ON TV)
- (SIGHS)
- Before I let you go
- Uh-huh.
I've got to ask what
we're all thinking
- The White House.
- Mm.
So, you're definitely not gonna
run again in three years?
I have no plans to run
at this time.
I'm also very busy with adult literacy.
- And AIDS?
- And AIDS, yes.
- We must never forget AIDS.
- Certainly not.
A very special thank you
to our very special guest,
President Selina Meyer.
- He's a great guy.
- Oh.
Back to you, Jane.
Thanks, Danny.
Danny Egan has been filling in
as my cohost this week,
and we think that he is
doing a terrific job.
We'll be right back with
more "CBS This Morning.
"
- MAN: And we're clear.
- SELINA: Okay, well, we got that done.
Madam President, it's
so good to see you.
Jane!
- Oh, for goodness sakes.
- You let your hair grow.
We should have lunch
now that you're back.
- Good, good.
Wonderful, wonderful.
- Thanks.
Ciao.
- What is she like?
- Oh, I love her.
'Cause I've heard she's a
complete gash and a half.
- Yeah, she really is.
Yeah.
- Yeah.
Hey, thank you so much for doing this.
I am so glad to hear that
you're feeling better.
Oh, come on, come on.
Everything's yes.
- Gary.
- Dan.
So, how did I do?
Somebody tell how I did.
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