1
What was my best brush with celebrity?
Oh, this is such a good one.
One time I saw Jack Nicholson
at the car wash.
I can't go through this again.
Jack Nicholson does not drive
a Hyundai Odyssey
with a Co-Exist bumper sticker, Cam.
Being in the closet business,
I met a lot of famous people.
I can't name names,
but let's just say it's someone
who's the boss.
- You met Bruce Springsteen?
- No, Tony Danza.
Oh, from the TV show?
Nah, she was the boss.
It's open to interpretation.
I saw Santa Claus at the mall.
"The Unwitting Miss Castle.
"
What's that about?
It's about three persecuted women
in different time periods,
or one time traveler
with incredibly bad luck.
I don't know which.
Somehow, I was able to join
a very exclusive book club
filled with the most intelligent women.
I can never seem to impress them.
They use words like "sanguine.
"
I don't want to look like an idiot,
so I use it, too.
Isn't that the most
sanguine thing you ever heard?
You're not using it right.
CLAIRE: I've read the same chapter
eight times still don't get it.
Just say, "It holds a mirror
up to society.
"
You'll get your "C"
and get out of there.
Huh.
- Good morning.
- Hi.
Who's that young thing?
Wow, what's up with the outfit,
Mod Squad?
Oh, yeah, I'm, uh
I'm showing a house to someone.
- Oh.
- I'd rather not say who it is.
- I totally get that.
- It's Chris Martin from Coldplay.
- [GASPS] Come on, really?
- It's not a big deal.
Says the man who spent
most of last night
sewing that flower onto his jeans.
Okay, it's a really big deal.
I'm meeting the man
who sings how I feel.
Yes, his music is so sanguine.
Eh, closer.
Never been a big Coldplay guy.
I'm more into hip-hop, death metal,
"Little Mermaid.
"
That one really imprinted on me
back in the day.
- My stomach feels weird.
- You're probably just nervous.
Ooh, maybe you need someone
to come with you.
No, he's there to buy a house,
not talk about music,
which is why I'm not even gonna mention
that I'm a songwriter, too.
Oh, you wrote one song.
- I said everything I had to say.
- About a realtor.
It was about life! This is why
they mock you at book club.
Oh, here's a brush with celebrity
I can actually talk about.
Last summer, I was called upon
to participate in the most
American of traditions
getting out of jury duty.
Do you have any experience
with law enforcement?
Big time.
I-I don't trust, uh, cops.
Also, I despise robbery victims.
They're the real criminals
for clogging up our court system.
- Nice try, Juror 3.
- What about economic hardship?
The last time I missed work,
the California closet market collapsed.
Some people think that
caused the L.
A.
Riots.
[MOANS]
I must be done talking.
I'm going into labor.
Ma'am, Ma'am, everything's
gonna be all right.
Bailiff, help Juror 11
with anything she needs,
and bring in the next alternate.
Uh, as her Lamaze coach,
I think I should probably
be out in the hall with
Terry Bradshaw.
I love Terry Bradshaw!
Juror 11, is there anything
that might prevent you
from serving effectively on this jury?
No scheduling conflicts, Your Honor.
However, I am going through
kind of a rough patch right now.
You see, I lost my best friend.
Or did he just find one?
But I'm happy to serve.
I believe in the American legal system,
and I believe it's all about teamwork.
[CLAPS]
That's a touchdown of an answer, champ.
Uh, this lady here
put me down for that.
Are you ready for some justice?
- Oh, my God.
- GLORIA: What? A celebrity?
- It's Sam Anvilmaker.
- Who?
He wrote "The Forgetters
and the Forgotten"?
"Farce, American Style"?
"Screw You For Reading This"?
What the hell is happening?
Yes, that one, too!
He's my favorite playwright.
Why don't you go over
and tell him that you're a fan?
Maybe he can give you some advice.
No, no, I wouldn't want to bother him.
He's notoriously private.
He writes in a hollowed-out tree
somewhere in Montana.
- Don't be nervous.
- It just doesn't feel right.
Manny, if somebody admired
my work as much as this,
I would like to know.
[SIGHS]
- Go.
- Okay.
Here we go.
- Uh, excuse me, Mr.
Anvilmaker?
- Let me guess
I'm the reason you want to be a writer.
Yeah, actually.
Your first play changed
the way that I looked at
Look, listen, kid.
I'm not here to collect panties
with phone numbers on them.
I'm here to experience the cold
absurdity that is being alive.
So go and find someone else to venerate.
Oh, uh Sorry for bothering you.
Here's a writing tip
show me you're sorry for
bothering me.
Don't tell me.
GLORIA: Okay, let's take a picture
of the two new best friends.
Come together.
I should never have left my tree.
And then, I saw Daniel Day-Lewis
at our dry cleaner.
Not him.
No.
Uh, the time we actually saw a celebrity
was last December
when we were shopping
for gardening supplies.
I'll never forget the feeling
of having Lincoln
look directly into my eyes and saying,
"We couldn't get
the barbecue sauce out.
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