(KNOCK ON DOOR)
Good morning, sunshine.
How
was your night in the yard?
Perfect.
I like sleeping outside.
Mm-hmm.
Haley lost her keys again.
She's been going through
this irresponsible phase.
Yeah, for 25 years.
I'm not
gonna let her get to 26.
(CHUCKLING) Just to be clear,
Claire's not going to kill her.
HALEY: Let me in! Please!
- No.
- Please?
This is just like when we
Ferberized her as a baby.
Let her cry it out.
She'll settle down.
Why?!
What if I just throw
a blanket out there?
Something that smells like us.
You can't leave me out here!
It's 2:00 in the morning!
I have to change for a party.
Good night, honey.
- Morning, Phil.
- No!
It's not a
It's not a good morning.
It's gonna be an even worse day.
Every morning, before I shower,
I kick off my underwear.
If I catch it, it's
gonna be a great day.
If I don't
No!
disaster.
I know that sounds crazy, but
it's an old family ritual
my grandfather did until
the day he died
a day you guessed it
that he dropped his underwear.
I don't know what happened.
It was a strong kick,
ankle flick was on point.
It is just a ridiculous superstition.
Ridiculous? Let's review.
They day I Rollerbladed into bees
- I dropped my underwear.
- Mm.
The night I Rollerbladed
into that campfire
How about you stop Rollerblading?
How about I stop breathing?
When I miss my catch,
the best thing I can do
is just wait it out in a safe place.
Unh-unh.
Not today.
No, no, no.
We have a ton of errands to get done
before we go see Steely
Dan this afternoon.
- What time is that?
- 3:00 p.
m.
- Why is it so
- They are not young men, Phil.
Great.
My phone is broken,
and it's your fault.
How do you figure that?
Because I had to throw it at
some squirrels last night
to keep them from attacking me.
You guys have to buy me a new one.
Costing me money.
It's
already happening.
No, it's not costing you money because
we are not buying her a new phone.
What?!
But I need it for work.
I sit on a stupid golf course all day.
What else am I supposed to look at?
You can have a new phone
when you can afford a new phone.
Phil, would you cut and
toast those bagels?
With the knife?
Sweetie, here are the spare keys.
I would like you to
make yourself a copy.
I can't wait to find out
how you lose those.
No wonder the neighbors
think you're so mean.
You hear everything
when you sleep outside.
Gloria!
(FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING)
I was just out in the garage.
Is
there anything you want to tell me?
Uh, yes.
I got rid of
your exercise machine.
It was a piece of junk.
You owe me and Chuck Norris an apology.
But I'm talking about
the dent in your car.
Did you hit something
we can talk about,
or should I hose the front
and find a body shop
- that doesn't ask questions?
- I didn't hit anything.
Someone must have hit me when
I was inside the store with Joe.
But talking about accidents,
if your dog pees one more time
in one of my slippers,
I may accidentally
leave her at the beach.
I would never let that happen.
And don't lash out at her.
If you crashed the car,
just tell me.
I didn't.
And I don't appreciate
being called a liar.
Are you kidding? You can never admit to
making a mistake and it drives me crazy.
Remember that romantic trip
we took to Rome, Indiana?
That's where I wanted to go.
I meant to buy those tickets.
Then why did you learn Italian?
Mamma mia, Jay.
If I had been in an accident,
I will admit it.
Now, I have to go
and buy more slippers online.
Try not to crash the computer.
MITCHELL: Hey, Cam.
So, the towel girl at the gym
said that I look like
an old Prince Harry.
- Shh! Shh!
- Oh, come on.
Are you eavesdropping on Pam again?
Yes.
I'm trying to,
but you keep talking.
She's on the phone.
PAM: Oh, baby, I miss you, too.
If you were here, you can't believe
No.
No.
Okay, that's just gross.
- That's your sister.
- Shh.
things I'd do to you.
I know you only got 10 minutes
10 minutes? He's on a time limit?
PAM: let me get to the dirty parts
She's talking to Bo in jail.
Bo is Pam's baby daddy
currently incarcerated
back in Grasshopper, Missouri,
for punching a police horse.
And now, I'm worried
she's just gonna
throw her future away by
getting back together with him.
It's crazy how weak she is with him
when she's so strong in other ways.
I mean, she is the three-time winner
of the country-fair mule drag.
Step away from the pipe, Cam.
- Come on.
You're better than that.
- No, I'm not, and neither are you.
You eavesdropped on that couple
behind us at "Bridget Jones's Baby.
"
Oh, no, that wasn't eavesdropping.
We were in public.
And do you think I really wanted to hear
that moron's recap of the first movie?
Half those details were
from "Love Actually.
"
Do you think I'm happy
about this situation?
I wish I couldn't even hear her at all!
Hey, Boss, are you done
listening to your sister?
The boys are asking if they
can use the table saw again.
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