How we doin'?
It's the most stressful day of the year
for Claire
our anniversary.
She tends to leave her gift shopping
till the last minute,
and the pressure can really get to her.
I'm great.
Huh.
- Oh, did you forget it's our
- No.
Happy Anniversary.
You're strangely calm.
Is this the legendary
realm beyond madness?
I already got your gift.
And I nailed it.
I even stayed below the $100 limit.
- You?
- Oh, you'll be quite pleased.
Once I find something.
This time I left my shopping
till the last minute,
maybe just to give Claire
a chance at our competition.
Am I too competitive?
I mean, she does often say,
"Phil, do you always
have to finish first?"
Joe, I'm coming for you.
Hey, have you guys seen Joe?
Aw, man!
You found me so easy.
But that was for fun.
Hide and seek?
What am I, 4?
I'm here because Luke has
the new zombie video game
that my mom would never let me play.
So what else? What else?
Hey, didn't you get a new video game?
Crap, crap, crap, crap, crap!
- Did you see her yesterday?
- No, why?
That's what she says when she realizes
she just slept through an entire day.
So, my boss went away for the weekend,
and I realized I left my phone
at her house.
There's a doggy door,
but then I would have to find a dog,
somehow learn how train it
to go inside, and then find it.
- And I don't know where to get a
- Honey
Oh my God, duh.
[CHUCKLES]
Joe, you have a dog.
Come on.
[CHUCKLES]
[SIGHS]
[BOTH LAUGH]
Now see, this is when
entertainment was classy.
Max Feldman wore a tux,
the audience smoked cigars.
And his act is as fresh today
as it was in the '70s.
MAX FELDMAN: What are you, an Eskimo?
You got 50 words for "snow,"
but apparently none for "toothbrush.
"
[BOTH LAUGHING]
I don't understand
why you guys like that man.
He's a bully.
See, this is why we're not bringing you
to his show tonight.
You don't get the jokes,
you ask questions the whole time
It ruins the experience.
I understand funny jokes.
This is not funny.
This is mean.
He just told that guy
that he looked like
a beef jerky wearing a tuxedo.
And that guy was Ronald Reagan
and he loved it!
I hope Feldman zetzes me tonight.
- Is that why you're wearing that shirt?
- Huh? No.
Anyways, I'm gonna go
and run some errands.
If Jorge arrives before I'm back,
please don't bore him with this stuff.
Jorge was this steamy Latin musician
your mother used to date.
Apparently she feels
she has to invite him here,
instead of just thinking about him
while she pages through
a high-school yearbook
on her third Scotch
like a normal person.
Jay, don't be jealous.
It was 20 years ago,
and I only dated him for six months.
And we never had what you and I have.
Well, that's nice to hear.
It was only physical.
Manny
you're gonna learn something today.
I try to learn something every day.
It keeps me young,
or nuori, as they say in Finnish.
Assuming you stop
saying stuff like that,
one day you will be married,
and eventually the ex will show up
sniffing around,
puffing out his pretty-boy chest,
which is your cue to go alpha.
Don't you think Mom will get annoyed
when she sees you being rude
to an old friend?
Not at all.
Deep down, she wants to see me vanquish
all who came before.
It's basic animal stuff.
Oh, I get it.
My girlfriend Karen
was pretty frisky the other night
after her ex showed up,
and I bested him
in a chocolate-soufflé bake-off.
I don't need to tell you
my soufflé wasn't
the only sweet brown dish
she devoured that night.
- Because?
- I also made molasses cookies.
I've learned to ask the second question.
I don't even remember
what the fight was about.
Uh-huh.
Then why does your teacher
want to have a chat with us?
- Maybe she has trouble meeting people.
- Ah.
Hey.
Oh, that is a that's bold.
- It's too young, isn't it?
- No!
[ALARM BEEPING]
Oh god, these things
have lie detectors now.
Sir, please give me your bag.
Ohwe well, the cashier probably
just forgot to take
a security tag off of the
Where did that come from?
Possible 488.
No.
I wouldn't steal a bra!
I don't wear bras!
Oh.
Well, maybe once.
Our friend Pepper had
a "Turning 50 is a Drag" party.
[CHUCKLING] Yeah,
he's had five of those.
- So
- Sir, please come with me.
No No, no, no, no, no.
Mitchell, call a lawyer!
I'm a lawyer.
Yeah, but you've lost more suits
than a Men's Wearhouse in a tornado.
April Fool's!
They thought you were a shoplifter!
Burn!
A fight at school,
and now a shoplifting prank?
If you wanted to rebel,
why don't you just put
a pink streak in your hair?
I told you, I don't want one.
But you would look so cute.
Okay, well, whatever this phase is,
I'm not a fan.
I blame us.
We've been far too permissive.
Agreed.
You are grounded
for one month, Missy!
[HUSHED VOICE] We got
the Cirque du Soleil tickets.
- Except for Cirque du Soleil!
- And the Disneyland trip.
And for Disneyland!
But you are not going to
Christina's slumber party tonight
no matter how much
- We have reservations at Cactus.
- Okay, Christina's slumber party
is the last one for a while.
[NORMAL VOICE] Right.
That's right.
[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS]
[CHUCKLING]
PHIL: Scented candles.
[LAUGHS]
The simpleton's choice.
The perfect gift has three elements
not something you'd buy for yourself,
takes you on an emotional journey,
that journey is on a ship
A showmanship.
Mm.
I mean, finding a gift
that has all three is challenging,
but here's the thing.
Bad ideas aren't your enemy.
In fact, sometimes if you free-associate
from the bad ideas,
you discover great ones.
Let's try it.
[INHALES DEEPLY]
Sir, would you like a bonsai tree?
Novelty key chain.
First thing that popped into the noodle.
It's terrible.
Let's see what that key unlocks.
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