1
- Come on in.
- Hey-o!
- Hi!
- Hello.
Do you love our sweaters?
I thought they would be
perfect for the Snow Ball dance.
I got them at the store
where you buy things
that go with the other things.
Oh, I know that place.
That's where we got
our Salt-N-Pepa salt and pepper shakers.
Claire can never tell
which one is which.
A confusing idea poorly executed.
Stop implying I'm a racist.
How did we get roped
into this chaperone thing?
This incredibly annoying
PTA mom, Marjorie,
keeps hounding us to
volunteer for things,
- and we finally ran out of excuses.
- [Cellphone chimes]
Ooh, I should probably
tell her we're coming.
[Cellphone chimes]
- Unreal.
- [Gloria's cellphone chimes]
"Where are you?"
- "Are you with Claire?"
- [Claire's Cellphone chimes]
"How far away are you?"
- [Gloria's Cellphone chimes]
- "Text me when you're close.
"
- [Claire's Cellphone chimes]
- "I locked my keys in my car.
"
Oh, that's from Haley.
Much as I'd love to meet this dingbat,
how many chaperones do they really need?
Takes one person to turn a
garden hose on those dry humpers.
If Phil is going, you are going.
I don't like being the only person
in the room without a husband.
It's my one insecurity.
Phil's just trying to be nice.
He doesn't want to go
to this thing, either.
Actually, I was looking forward to it.
Maybe meet some of these
so-called cheerleaders.
Watch their faces when I tell
them we could kewpie a scorpion
into a cradle catch and then
pop up into a split extension.
[Chuckles] Most of that
stuff's illegal now.
I think what Phil's
trying to say is that
he and I haven't had a
boy's night in a good while.
I mean, wouldn't it be nice
to just hang out together,
just you and me?
What do you say, buddy?
What?!
Might be nice to have
a hang with my boy Jay.
If it's fine with you.
Sure, it's the least I
could do, because tomorrow
you are going to help
Luke with his homework
while I visit wine country.
[Gasps] I want to go.
That's just what she calls lying on
the trampoline drinking Chardonnay.
- Ah.
- [Claire's Cellphone chimes]
Oh, yes! We're on our way.
- Okay.
- Bye-bye.
- Bye.
- Have fun, you two.
Don't worry about us.
We'll have a blast.
We'll have a good time.
We'll have a good time.
- [Laughs]
- Yes!
This is gonna be so great!
Sure it will.
Maybe give them about
a five-minute lag time
before you hit the road.
What do you mean? You
you said we were gonna
do something together.
I was just trying to get
us out of that stupid dance.
Oh.
- Okay.
- Enjoy your night, Phil.
I've got a date with an epic
Western about a crooked sheriff,
and I'm at the first of what I
predict to be many wrongful hangings.
Well, if you're not
up for doing anything,
I think I'll just go to the dance.
What? No.
You can't do that.
Makes me look like a jerk.
- Well, then what am I supposed to do?
- Whatever you like.
- I want to go to the dance.
- How are you not getting this?
Fine.
I'll just go home.
You're going to the dance, aren't you?
- Of course I am.
- All right, you win.
- We'll do something.
- Awesome!
- What do you want to do?
- Gosh, I don't know.
I mean, dancing is
still so much in the air.
- Uh-huh
- Where are you going?
Scotch country.
We're low on ice in bucket 12.
Hey, hey, those crab cakes
have to last all night.
Push the cheese.
Setlist?
You're starting with "Get Lucky"?
Come on, we're telling a story here.
Do you know what time it is?
I thought you were gonna help me set up.
Sorry, buddy.
I was worrying
about the big-picture stuff.
Hmm.
Is there enough room for it here,
or should I put it in the back entrance?
You can certainly put it
in a back entrance.
Oh, my gosh, doesn't
everything look so lovely?
Well, it's high school.
Dress it up all you want,
it's still the place I spent
four years being tormented
by sadistic bullies.
Nice shirt, Michelle.
Oh, you know what? Times have changed.
In high school, did you ever imagine
you'd end up with the football coach?
The football coach? No.
The swim coach, Mr.
Artino, almost nightly.
- [Chuckles]
- Oh, Coach Tucker, Mitchell.
Thank you for volunteering.
I couldn't say no.
The kids on the team
practically begged me.
It's an amazing thing to matter
so much and inspire so many.
Oh, no, I think they
just wanted you here
so they can prank you.
- Hmm?
- Yeah.
The football team has
something all worked out.
I don't know what it
is 'cause I checked out
after they capped my salary.
But there's usually a mess,
so you might want to throw a
poncho over all that finery.
Oh.
Oh, my God, I hate pranks so much.
Now I'm gonna spend
the whole dance paranoid
wondering what they're gonna do.
Is it gonna hurt? Am I gonna cry?
You're a clown.
Isn't that mostly just pranking people?
No, it is not.
Clowns
are loving and joyful.
You know what? I was warned
about this kind of ignorance.
Don't make me regret
marrying outside the big top.
What?
We got to keep our eyes peeled
for kids trying to
bring alcohol in here.
I cannot make it through
this thing without a drink.
[Gasps] Marjorie, 12:00.
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