1
Listen up.
Any of youse goes stool-pigeon on me,
you'll find yourself
in a Chicago overcoat.
Honey, you're not gonna talk like that
all the way to the wedding, are you?
Or all the way to that overpass?
Hey, at least you look cute.
Who picked my outfit?
I did.
My dad and Lorraine decided
to have a 1920s-themed wedding.
Such a romantic time.
Yeah, dust bowls, the Klan, Prohibition.
Oh, I'm I'm sure
they'll have alcohol.
Self-serve?
I guess the grease monkeys
must be out back shooting dice.
Can they come out here and shoot us?
Oh, God, look down.
Haley?
We're going somewhere fancy, okay?
Where, the past?
Hi, Kimmy.
You didn't feel like dressing up, too?
What do you say those
pretty peepers of yours
never saw the famous gangster Phillinger
and his ex-prostitute getaway driver?
I think a, uh a
sawbuck should do the
That's too much.
I'm
gonna get some change.
Enjoy dress-up day.
Mom, you need to control your man.
I cannot listen to
this character all day.
Guys, you know your dad.
You know your dad's dad.
We are up against
unimaginable forces of goofy.
Just remember he does it out of love.
It's Johnny Law! Let's hot-foot it!
Ohh!
- (old-fashioned car horn honks)
- Phil!
What the hell is all this?
I got a rush order for my sauce,
and the kitchen that I
usually use was booked,
so I have to do everything myself.
You know, I think I
slept funny last night.
No, don't.
I know better
than to ask for your help.
Ah, good, 'cause I have a tee time.
On the way, could you take
me to pick up my prom tux?
That sounds like
something you'd love to do.
(both laugh)
I so don't want to do that.
(laughs)
I'm turning 70 next year.
I know I look great.
One of the few perks of getting up there
is the ability to say no without guilt.
"Can I have a ride to the airport?" No.
Do I want to see your niece's recital?
Nuh-unh.
"Want to do a walk-a-thon
to end global"
I'm gonna stop you right there.
Was anyone in my room last night?
Not after I tucked you in.
Great.
I have a monster.
- I'm sure you're mistaken.
- Nope.
And we have to catch him
before I go to bed tonight.
Joe, there's no such thing as monsters.
Calm down.
I'm not
gonna ask you to help.
Shaping up like a pretty good year.
Cake for breakfast? Now we're talking.
No, don't touch that!
I'm making that for Uncle
Pepper's costume party tonight.
The theme is famous movie duos.
Daddy and I are going as
Leo and the "Revenant" bear.
- (growls)
- You know what?
Where is Pam?
She said she was gonna
be here two hours ago.
She has no respect
for anyone else's time.
(mumbles indistinctly)
You know, she says she's gonna
pop in for a "short stay.
"
It's like we're just supposed
to rearrange our lives?
Hmm.
(mumbles indistinctly)
It's taken me a long time,
but I've finally learned
that when it comes to Cam's sister,
anything I say can and
will be used against me.
CAM: Do you think maybe
we should, you know,
have the bartender cut Pam off?
Oh, God, you know what? She
is getting a little bit messy.
Uh, Pam, Mitchell thinks you're kind of
making a fool out of yourself.
Go to hell, Mitchell!
You go straight to hell!
Whoo!
Well, her majesty has finally arrived.
I can sense how angry you are.
(mumbles indistinctly)
I know.
I know.
I'm late.
No, there's no late when you're family.
Although Mitchell was just saying
So what brings you into town?
- Modeling.
- Oh.
I'm sorry.
Modeling?
Real-person modeling.
Back home, they put me on a
billboard for the feed store,
- and I caught the bug.
- Oh.
Wow.
Next stop Hollywood.
- (laughing) Okay.
- Wow.
So how long are you gonna be in town?
Well, who's to say?
Well, I was hoping it'd be you.
- You can't put a date on a dream.
- Mnh-mnh.
Speaking of, we need to
take me to an audition,
and I'm a little jittery,
so I was hoping you guys
would want to ride
along for moral support.
Oh, actually, Mitchell and I have a r
We have a really busy day.
Isn't that right, Mitchell?
(mumbling) Uh, yeah.
Oh, this won't take long.
Let's go.
On the ride over, I can
practice my joint-pain grimaces.
- Hmm.
Oh.
- Oh!
- Ohh!
- Are you okay?
- I am! I am!
- (laughs) Oh, yeah, I know.
You're good.
You're good.
(grunts)
- (fabric tears)
- Ohh!
Again?!
Joe hasn't slept in that
chewed-up sweater snagger in years,
but Gloria won't let
me get rid of anything
the kid has ever touched,
so I needed a plan.
Fortunately, when you
say no to everything,
it frees up time to
concoct ingenious schemes.
Look, Joe, there's no monsters anywhere.
There's nothing underneath the bed,
nothing inside the teepee.
Are you sure?
Yes, monsters need places to hide.
They're not like the evil spirits,
which are all around us.
- What?
- No, no, nothing, baby.
- Nothing.
- Look, my window's open!
Maybe that's how he got in.
Impossible.
If he came across the roof,
there'd be broken tiles
or monster prints or
My monogrammed money clip.
I snuck in through
Joe's window last night
because it was past curfew,
and I must have dropped
my clip on the roof.
I needed to get it before Mom saw.
I can't afford to get grounded.
David Sedaris is coming
to Barnes and Noble
on a school night.
I guess I can go out on the roof
and check for monster slobber.
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