1
Crap.
Crap.
Crappacino.
Charlie Craplin.
In Colombia, when the old man
starts yelling at the mail,
we put them on a sandbar and
wait for the tide to come in.
Well, Delgado's got a doozy
of a Valentine's dilemma.
I texted out feelers for two dates.
Vicky Noh is top choice, but
Alexa Potts has been doing
this bad-girl thing lately I'm into.
So, while I wait for a yes from Noh,
I've got to keep Potts
on the back burner.
Oh, my God.
Is it still talking?
Jay, that's so rude!
He overthinks everything.
- [Ringtone plays]
- If you have a shot
at the bad girl, jump.
I don't know.
She has a stepdad who only pays
attention to her hot older sister.
I will dial the phone for you.
- Ugh.
- [Cellphone chimes]
That was Joe's school.
He's in trouble.
We need to go meet with the teacher.
What the hell did he do?
He robbed a bank and took 18 hostages.
How would I know? Let's go.
[Sighs] It's a no-go.
Alexa wanted to use the hot tub tonight,
but apparently can't
find her bathing suit.
If you don't come home smelling
of light beer and chlorine,
do not come home at all.
Uh, honey?
Um
- Whoa.
- Happy
- Valentine's Day, my love!
- [Gasps]
Oh, thank you.
I love this.
What is it?
It's the actual porch swing
where we had our first kiss.
- No.
- Check it out.
The carvings are still on
the back from 25 years ago.
Oh, my gosh.
"Phil hearts Claire.
"
Oh, honey, this is gonna look
so great out on our porch.
- I can't believe you did this.
- [Laughs]
- Wow.
- It was nothing.
I made a few calls,
- drove half a day
- Uh-huh.
had Campari and haggled
with a handsy gay landlord,
took the swing apart,
loaded it in a van,
ran out of gas in the desert,
got harassed by a shady state trooper,
and drove back with a blinding migraine.
But easy-peasy.
- I love it.
- [Chuckles]
Knock, knock.
Happy Valentine's Day
or, as I call it, "the best
night to go to the grocery store.
"
And here is your Valentine's gift.
I wrapped it myself in the office,
and then, like a dingdong,
I left it there, so
Whoa, sparkly.
Just like you.
That's
why I picked the wrapping.
- She sure did.
- Yeah.
Go ahead.
[Coughs]
Claire, I think I know what this is.
- I can't believe you did this.
- I know, right?
You got me an old watch.
- Pretty cool, right?
- So cool.
I've got a crazy-good poker face,
but I didn't love the watch.
I'd been dropping these big hints
about a pair of genuine
Houdini handcuffs
on sale at a local magic shop.
They're from his famous Coffin
of Cobras Escape of 1923.
The trick was so shocking
that women went into spontaneous labor
and the men paired off
in violent fighting.
I, uh, don't think it's working.
- Uh
- Oh, well, I mean,
I'm just seeing this
watch for the first time,
but it looks like
it's got a self-winder.
- You just move your
- Yeah.
arm around to keep it going.
I should probably get going.
- Mother's waiting in the truck
- Mm-hmm.
and she's patient until she isn't.
[Truck horn blares]
Oh, and I've got to get to work, too,
before all the single gals show up.
It's pretty hard to concentrate
with all the bathroom crying
and the half-eaten chocolates
getting hurled at the wall.
- Have a good one.
- I will.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Wow.
Those are nice.
Yeah, they were on the front porch.
They're from a mystery admirer.
The card says, "You
don't know your power.
"
Oh, that's my bad.
I was power-washing the flagstones
- in my old cheer shorts
- They're for me.
Yeah, don't ask who they're from,
because I don't know,
but I will find out.
- Oh.
- What happened to your arm?
Oh, I am winding an old watch
that your mother gave
me for Valentine's Day.
Oh.
That's pretty uneven.
You
gave her this awesome swing.
Man, where did Mom find
a guy as sweet as you?
Actually, she hit me with her car
when I was break-dancing
in a KFC parking lot.
And your mother's not unromantic.
She's just been busy with work lately.
Well, you've been
married for like 25 years.
What's that supposed to mean?
You guys are overdue for the romance
to fizzle out a little bit.
Oh, well, it's nice to know
that some dime-store posies
from an unnamed stalker
have made you an expert
on matters of the heart.
It so happens that your
mother is still very romantic,
which I will prove with a surprise visit
to her office this afternoon.
[Thud]
Let me guess you built this inside
and didn't measure the door?
Card was right.
You don't
know your own power
to be mean.
[Thud]
Thank you so much for helping us out.
Ah, yeah.
Rainer has work, anyways.
He does this Valentine's Day thing
- where he tracks Cupid on the radar.
- Aww, cute.
Oh, and Lily gets to stay
up a little later tonight
because she had a
big-girl moment at school.
Yes, this boy Jagger
'cause that's a name now
teased her and she told him
off in front of everybody.
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