You're still on that thing? What are you constantly looking at on your computer? Is that a question you really want people asking around here? Indeed, it is not.
I'm just checking college acceptances.
They should be posting them any day.
You cannot spend your entire spring break worrying about college admissions.
You should go to that music festival thing with Haley.
Do something fun.
Learn to relax a Do we have to keep every remote we have ever owned? Somewhere in a landfill, a laser disc just ejected.
Uh, I can't bring Alex to the festival because I am going for work to research new fashion trends.
I need to blend in, you know? Everyone will think she's a cop.
Well, I could sit here and worry and ruin my day or I could go with Haley and ruin hers.
I'll grab my sunscreen.
- Good morning.
- Hey, Dad.
I hate to shame you but Haley woke up before you.
Haley didn't run a 10K yesterday to raise awareness for alopecia.
What's alopecia? That is why I run.
Honey, I could really use your help with spring cleaning today.
I got to get all these boxes down to the donation center.
Wish I could, but I've got work.
Then Luke and I have got some important trampolining to do.
I just love how equally we divide our responsibilities.
Figured we'd do a little father-son bonding since your school trip was canceled.
Oh.
You can teach me the Dunphy tuck.
[Chuckles] I love your enthusiasm, Son but it's way too dangerous.
One wrong move, and you're eating springs.
[Claire] Oh, no, no.
Those are - Is that my banjo? - Mmm? When I met this little lady sitting next to me it was love at first sight.
Yep, I've been noodling around on the ol' flyswatter for a couple of years now.
I was inspired by the greats Scruggs, Kermit.
It's hard to practice, though because it gets Claire so hot and bothered.
[Off-key] - What do you - I think I've heard enough.
Lucky for you, I've got time for a couple verses of "Shortnin' Bread.
" No, no, no, no, no.
It's in the box.
It's leaving the house.
I can never hear that awful thing again.
- But you called me Banjovi.
- I know.
I did whatever was necessary to make it stop.
Wait.
Does that mean you also didn't like my bagpiping? Is that why we have Luke? It's not.
Is it? Hey, hey Hey, hey Hey, hey Hey, hey Hey - Ay, Cam, no dessert for you? - No, none for me.
I have to fit into a skintight cat costume tonight because I'm gonna Whatever you do behind closed doors is your own business.
Because I'm singing "Memory" at the Faculty Follies.
It's a fund-raiser where the teachers do a little talent show.
Ay, maybe I come see you.
I need to find something to watch since I had to give up my soap operas.
Because you've been neglecting Joe? No.
It's because I asked Jay to stop smoking cigars and he said that he would quit if I stopped watching the soap operas.
But it's very hard.
What's so damn hard? It's the same thing every week Amnesia, evil twins two ladies end up fighting in a fountain.
I mean, what is it? Is it some sort of an escape? It's better than blowing smoke in our baby's face.
Where did he go anyways? There's an e-mail from Lily's scout camp.
I hope everything's okay.
She's fine.
Mitchell's nervous because he's not a camper.
His idea of roughing it is a hotel stay where the cable doesn't get Bravo.
They should tell you that when you check in.
Oh, boy.
Okay, here's a photo.
Look.
- She's using the signal.
- What signal? The kids aren't allowed to call their parents but the camp sends out photos, so we have a code.
- Yeah, "we.
" - One finger, she's fine.
Two fingers, she's unhappy.
Look at this.
Two fingers.
I don't look at pictures on a phone.
If it's a good shot get a print, put it in an album.
Interesting time to take a stand.
But she looks like she's just doing the bunny ears behind her girlfriend.
Which is exactly what she would do to get a secret signal past the authorities.
Okay, it's a scout camp, not Leavenworth.
She's smiling.
What are you worried about? Because it's her first time away from home.
It You know what? That's probably it.
I'm stressing out, so I'm gonna go to the office and pick up some paperwork.
I'm gonna tag along with you.
You can drop me off at the club.
I'm not really going to the office.
Don't care.
Need a cigar.
[Speakers.
Rock] Based off the walk I just took side-boob is the new butt crack.
So you wanna head down front? Alex! Okay, you need to drink this.
I'll get a new one.
- Is there vodka in here? - If there is it's not doing anybody any good until I get it in there.
Michelangelo talked about chiseling beautiful sculptures out of marble.
Well, my chisel is a Long Island Iced Tea and I use it to free the party girl from the block of nerd.
- [Rock] - Music! Yeah! Not all my sculptures are masterpieces.
- [Banjo: "Turkey In The Straw"] - Hey! I'm ho [Continues] - Oh, amazing! - [Phil Clears Throat] Honey, were you listening? Isn't he good? - Really good.
- [Claire] Yeah.
Really good.
I I thought you didn't like the banjo.
I didn't think I did either, but there's just something about the way he plays.
It's so It's so musical.
Mm-hmm.
So, what's this, a surprise for old Dad? You've been secretly taking lessons for months, probably longer? Nope.
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