Hey, best man.
Yeah, I think I might go with "Best Person.
" Is this about mom again? I told you, I'm fine.
I was just a little sad for you.
Mom's a no-show, and you and dad are hardly even speaking.
I'm leaving you! Not if I leave you first! What did you do?! Attention! Attention, please! The fire has jumped the freeway.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
If you're evacuating the whole area, can't you just do us last? I don't think you realize how close you are to actual flames.
Hello.
Pepper Saltzman.
Big supporter of yours.
Have all your calendars.
We've waited 10 years.
Can we please have an hour? I can give you 30 minutes.
We can make that work! The wedding will go on just in a slightly pared-down version.
Claire, you're up front.
Flower girl, strewing.
Grooms, come with me.
"Ooh! Ahh! They look so handsome!" Quartet, quartet, quartet! And cue Sal.
Start after your limerick.
Oh, god, no! Ugh! We're all making sacrifices, dear.
I have a Prius full of monarch butterflies who are apparently coming home with me.
- Aah! - No! Her water broke! No! No, it did not! I am barely pregnant! Thank you all for being here on this joyous occasion.
There once was a homo named Tucker Sal, stop.
No, you're going into labor! Also, just stop! But we've only been together four months.
I just love you so much, I can't wait to have your baby.
God! Kids ruin everything! Yeah, they sure do.
Let's get you to the hospital and have our miracle baby.
Okay.
Just so you know, sometimes when babies come this early - Uh-huh.
- they're black.
Okay, this is a disaster! We have no one to marry us! Dearly beloved, that is a problem.
Yep.
Thanks to $35 and the internet, you are looking at the good reverend Phillip Humphrey Dunphy.
Over the last year, I've dropped a few subtle hints to Mitch and Cam that I was available.
Hey, have you guys decided who's gonna officiate your wedding? 'Cause I got ordained online.
Oh, my god.
A wallaby! Oh, my gosh! To be continued! Phil, you're a lifesaver.
Thank you.
No thanks necessary.
Cameron, marrying you would make me the happiest man on earth.
Everyone, attention, please! I've been informed by the fire chief we need to leave immediately! - The winds have shifted! - What? But w-we have 30 minutes! A fellow wedding facilitator has informed me a beautiful space just became available.
To the shuttles! But we don't know a thing about this place.
Oh, my mistake.
Let's go over it.
It's a quaint, rustic spot, though its chief selling point is it's not about to become a kiln! To the shuttles! Cam, where are the shuttles that brought everyone up from the parking lot? Apparently they were double booked.
This is the best Pepper could do.
This is how we're getting everyone to the wedding? Half our guests are gay.
We're finally giving them a good memory on a school bus.
That doesn't look completely sewn on.
You might want to get something to cover that.
Oh, good idea.
Thank you.
What did you say to Merle that make him want to leave Barb? I have no idea! We were just shooting the breeze Wedding day, Dede, how happy I am now that I'm with you.
Why would you say something like that? Now you're breaking somebody's heart.
I didn't mean for her to get hurt.
Not her, him when he realizes that not every second wife looks like this.
Thank you for lending me your jacket, Jay.
It's good to know there are still gentleman in the world.
Oh, it's you, Barb.
I didn't see you there on account of my bright future.
Thank you, Gloria.
Standing up to that old goat was best thing I ever did.
What's all that about? No, no.
The thing is that she told me a story about a goat And it's very old and then the goat Oh, don't give me that.
I told her to express herself.
I believe that in a good marriage, a woman can ex Fine.
Whatever.
I'll undo it.
We can't let Cam know what the situation with his parents is.
He's very delicate.
I can't believe I'm involved in breaking up yet another marriage.
What? Hey, hey.
How you holding up? Uh, I've had better days.
But you and me we're cool, right? We probably have some things that we should talk about, but maybe we save it for a less-stressful day.
This is not your fault, by the way.
The fire was an act of God.
Not that god sent a fireball down to keep a couple guys from getting married, but I didn't say that right.
There's no way that this any of this is part of God's plan.
Save something for the toast, Dad.
Damn it.
Where do you want this? Bus five.
What's wrong with your voice? The three of us just took a road trip.
We sang Broadway tunes all the way to the Texas border.
And then from the other side of Texas to Florida.
Hey, so you're, like, the minister? Kinda.
When they lost Sal, the situation was a no-brainer, which made them think of me.
Isn't there a lot you have to remember to marry people? Not really.
They all follow the same basic pattern.
"We're gathered here today to join these two in holy matrimony.
" "Do you take him to be your lawfully wedded spouse?" And the first person says - I do? - Right.
Then I ask the second person, "Do you take him to be your lawfully wedded spouse?" - You know the drill, right? - I do.
Then I say, "By the powers vested in me by the state of California, I now pronounce you legally wed.
" Bingo, bango, bongo, you're married.
Awesome.
Really awesome.
Look, Barb, I know what you're going through.
You and Merle are at a crossroads in your marriage.
It feels like the end of the world, But in time, you'll see it more as a Right.
A little hiccup that we all go through.
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