- Night.
- No.
- Middle of the phone.
I got it.
- Get it.
- Oh! My arm's asleep! My arm's asleep! - Get the phone.
- Phil, get the phone.
- Oh! That's me.
Hello! Hi.
Yes, this is she.
Who is it? Okay.
Oh, God.
Tell me what's happening here! Haley has been arrested.
What? Phone! Phone.
I bet that's mama.
I was just dreaming it was raining chickens! Mitchell, answer the phone! Look what I am doing.
Look what I am doing, huh? - Hello? - Hey, Mitchell.
I'm sorry to wake you up, but Haley got arrested.
Oh, God.
Haley got arrested.
That explains the chickens.
It does.
It adds up.
What did she get arrested for? Oh, she got caught drinking at some party.
Look, could you drive up to the college with us? - I think we're gonna need a lawyer.
- Yes, of course.
And Cam and Lily can come over and stay with Alex and Luke.
- I'll guard them with my life.
- Yeah, yeah.
I hate to bother him.
No, no, don't be silly.
He's happy to do it.
Okay, we'll be over in a little bit.
- Okay.
- Oh, I get it.
When you told Claire I would come over and watch the kids, she was resistant because she doesn't trust my parenting skills.
No.
Don't be silly.
She just didn't want to put you out.
She's got a daughter behind bars and she's got the nerve to say I'm a bad parent? - You didn't defend me.
- Because she didn't say anything.
Why are you protecting her? Why is no one protecting me? No.
Ay! Answer! Answer! This better be good.
Haley got arrested for drinking.
We gotta go bail her out.
Do you still have a connection to that judge upstate? - He died.
- Ay! Who died? An old friend of mine.
Ay, Jay, I'm so sorry.
He died five years ago.
Then why are they calling us in the middle of the night to wake us up?! Nobody died.
Haley's in jail.
Okay.
That makes more sense.
Claire has to go bail her out.
Okay.
Give me that.
Claire, listen to me-- Take a lot of cash.
And when you flash it to the police, do not speak about it.
Let the eyes do all the talking, okay? I heard the phone.
Who died? Jay's friend.
Oh, Jay, I'm so sorry.
Okay.
I can't do this again.
It's breakfast It's breakfast time It's breaky breaky time Uncle Cam.
I thought I heard your voice.
What are you doing here? Where are my parents? Well, the school called, and your sister won a big award.
Nice try.
The only person who would believe that would be Haley.
She's in jail.
Jail? Lily, what did I say? That it was only a matter of time.
Okay, no.
Didn't say that.
Okay, so here's the truth.
Your sister was caught drinking.
But it's no big deal.
Your parents are there taking care of it right now.
So This is so awesome! I hope she hits the weights so she's totally ripped when she gets out.
Okay.
Let's change the subject.
Have a seat.
Have some breakfast.
See if there's anything on that plate you like a lot.
Is this bacon? Of course it is, silly.
Been on a little bit of a health kick lately, so I took a vegan cooking class, and my new thing is "fakon.
" It's like real bacon.
Except for the look, the texture, and the taste.
Maybe the store-bought kind.
But I make my own, so it's not even real fakon.
It's faux-fakon.
"Faux-kon.
" It's faux-kon disgusting.
You can't tell the difference.
And guess which one's the real one? That one.
That one.
Still that one.
This is the best bacon I've ever had.
Oh, well.
I can't wait to tell your Uncle Mitchell that you love it.
Why would Uncle Mitch care? Because, my dear, that bacon you're eating isn't bacon at all, no, no, no.
It's made entirely of soy.
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