If I could just have everybody's attention Real quick.
Um, on this wonderful occasion-- our daughter leaving tomorrow for college If I could get everyone to raise their glass as I quote from one of our nation's great fathers-- Jefferson.
George Jefferson.
"I never dreamed that one of my own "would be going off to a university, "but here I stand, a proud black man, knowing that all those hours I put in at the dry cleaner--" - Phil.
- Not now, Weezie.
Where was I? Quoting that president.
Okay, if she's the future of America, we should start using Chinese money now.
We already are.
My arm is tired.
To Haley.
To Haley! And before everyone puts their glasses down, uh, uh, we're also very proud of Lily.
Tomorrow is her first day of kindergarten.
- To Lily.
- Oh, Lily.
To Lily.
To Lily.
And you'll be impressed to know that she's gonna be one of the smartest girls there.
Lily, sweetie, what's the square root of 64? Wow.
Hey! Nice trick.
Hey, Lily, what's the square root of this potato? Congratulations.
You have a parrot.
We couldn't even get through the toast to Haley before you pulled focus to Lily.
Oh, come on.
It's-- it's a big day for both of them.
Huh? Haley going to college is a miracle.
Lily going to kindergarten is the law.
Well, Haley and Lily aren't the only ones starting school.
My mom and Jay are going to parenting class.
We're doing it for the baby.
Not this baby.
That baby.
Manny doesn't believe that we know what we're doing.
A couple of new hairs under his arm, and now he thinks he knows more than his own mother.
I know not to embarrass my son as he stands on the threshold of manhood.
I don't know why I have to go to this thing.
In case you've forgotten, I raised two kids.
- Ow! - Ow! Stop pulling my hair.
- Stop twisting my nipple.
Ow! - Shut up.
Shut up.
Why look at me? It was their mother's fault.
I was barely around.
No! Ow, ow! Haley, this is, like, the third bag of makeup and hair care products.
Dad, if you want me to get good grades, I have to look cute.
Don't say a word.
No.
No.
I agree with that premise.
Thank you.
Wait.
Yeah, thank you.
- Claire.
- Mm-hmm? In Haley's stuff, a box of condoms.
Yeah.
Um, I-I bought those for her.
What? Why don't you just buy her some fishnet stockings and a nurse's outfit? Not that that's my thing.
That just popped into my head.
Honey, she's an adult, and she's going to college.
I want to be realistic.
I don't want her to get caught unprepared.
buying her a 4-year supply? Please.
Phil, that would've lasted me and my college boyfriend, like, a long-- La, la, la, la, la, la, la! Okay, we gotta hit the road.
Give your sister a hug good-bye.
Don't dork up our room.
Don't slut up your college.
Seriously, though, don't study too hard, okay? I'm totally going to have fun.
I'm Iceland in the mock U.
N.
Mom, we're gonna lose her.
I am doing my best.
Luke, come say good-bye to your sister.
I'm right here.
Bye, Haley.
Have fun.
Don't drink too much beer and shots of Tequila.
Why are you wearing that mask? Uh, I like it.
He doesn't want you to see him cry.
He's literally masking his emotions.
No! - That's so sweet.
- Come here.
It's not sweet.
I'm an evil cyborg.
Half my face was burned off in an industrial accident, and the mask is hiding the servos that control my mouth.
Yes, I am sad Haley is leaving, but I'm gonna be okay knowing I've done everything I can to get her set up and prepared and off on the right foot.
Not me.
When we're standing in her dorm room saying good-bye, it's gonna be one of the most emotional moments of my life.
I'm gonna cry harder than the first time I saw "Air bud" Especially when I give her this.
- "Phil's-osophy.
" - Hmm.
A hardbound collection of all the life lessons I've learned, such as "Always look people in the eye, "even if they're blind.
Just say, 'I'm looking you in the eye.
'" or "If you get pulled over for speeding, tell the policeman your spouse has diarrhea.
" Phil's-osophy.
Look how much fun you're gonna have here, Lily.
So many great toys to play with, and you're gonna make so many new friends.
Oh, I wish I was in kindergarten again.
Oh, not me.
Did I ever tell you about David Anthony? He used to call me "Cam the ham.
" - Okay, Lily's day.
- Yeah, you're right.
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