1
Why aren't you talking,
are you mad at me?
No! I'm freaked because I just
found out that I'm pregnant.
And yes, I am a little mad at you,
because this is serious,
and the only thing that
you can think about
is combining our names
into the perfect baby name.
Well, now we know
it's either Hayden or Dyley.
Look, this is a beautiful thing.
A product of our love.
It is a product of our love, right?
Yes, Dylan.
I did the math.
Last time you did the math
we accidentally left a $300 tip.
Oh, I don't know what to do.
- (sighs)
- How about this?
Haley Gwendolyn Dunphy
will you marry me?
Are you kidding me right now?
Picture us walking down the aisle,
a breathtaking vision in virginal white
and you wearing whatever you want.
- I'm not marrying you!
- Okay.
Okay, one step at a time.
We'll put you on vitamins
and a healthy diet.
You'll be eating for one now.
Score! Lollipops!
How am I gonna tell my mom?
This is the one thing she
always told me not to do,
and you're the person she
told me not to do it with.
Yeah, she really nailed that one.
I hope our baby gets her brain.
Why aren't you freaking out?
Because this is a good thing,
isn't it?
I
I don't know.
Ugh.
(sighs)
Oh, my God, I have to get to work.
To a job that I love,
which I don't even know
if I can do with a baby! (chuckles)
Just I, um
I need some space.
Oh.
$13, carry the 3
Leave a $50.
- (whistle blows)
- CAMERON: All right, Thompson, run a crisp route!
Pitkowski, go!
Look at them out there.
They are a mess.
No focus!
You told them about
not eating chicken, right?
It's a nervous bird.
Before the game,
you eat your calm mammals,
your beefs, your muttons.
Okay, guys, get in here!
Let's go.
Huddle up!
CAMERON: We're about to play
for the city championship,
and Jay here has been helping out.
I've been a team booster for years.
Usually that means cutting a check
from the Pritchett Cares Foundation.
We support athletics
and we educate at-risk youth
about careers in closets.
It's a real path out.
Okay, this is
the biggest day of your lives
and you're looking like a bunch
of little girls out there!
What's wrong, Pitkowski,
did you forget your Barbies?!
Coach, we've been talking,
and the language
you've been using lately
feels, well, hurtful.
And sexist.
And a little gender reductive.
What the hell is happening?
We'd just like you to consider
adopting a more empowering style.
Okay, you know what?
This is football!
What's wrong,
are your training bras too tight?!
- (megaphone squeals)
- Coach Tucker!
Please see me in my office now!
No, honey, I don't want to pick
your sister up at the airport!
Oh, sorry, I'm talking to my girlfriend
and I accidentally kept the
megaphone button pressed!
(chuckles) She's really
been riding me lately,
let me tell you!
Oh, no sweetheart, no,
I didn't mean for you to hear that!
No, no, no, you're my everything!
Of course!
(both vocalizing
"The Imperial March" from Star Wars)
I got tickets for me and Mitchell
to a screening in Palm Springs
of The Empire Strikes Back
Q&A to follow with the
biggest star of all
George Lucas.
I'm super stoked because
I kind of think of Mitch
as the brother I never had.
I don't know why we don't
spend more time alone together.
It's nobody's fault.
Except for
for Cam and Claire.
You know,
I'm as happy now as I've ever been.
And look, we're in Yucaipa.
That sounds like how Ewoks talk.
I used to sneak off to a gay bar
in Yucaipa before I came out.
Huh, you don't really think of
gay bars as a small-town thing.
Oh, yeah.
They serve your rural gays,
your closeted gays, your city newbies
looking to get their gay sea-legs,
kind of like an out-of-town
tryout before they hit Broadway.
See, I learn something
whenever I spend time with you.
Remember when you told me
not to snap when I dance?
It looked like you were trying to
get peanut butter off your fingers.
Speaking of which, I'm starving.
That bar actually has amazing hamburgers
if you want to stop for lunch?
Am I allowed in?
Who's gonna know?
Just don't snap.
Ooh!
Do you think I could rock this?
Do people still say rock?
It makes me sad when you have to ask me
what young people say.
- CLAIRE: Alex? Gloria?
- Ahh!
- Hi.
- Um, hi!
What are you doing here?
I needed some sexy clothes,
so I asked Gloria to help me shop.
No offense to my mom,
but she dresses kind of conservative
while Gloria knows how
to pick out clothes
that will help
take this baby for a spin.
Ugh, Alex, come on,
sell it if you're gonna talk like that.
Just stopped by the cobbler to
get my penny loafers re-soled.
(chuckles) Same pair for 30 years.
What are you guys doing?
- Oh, we're just
- Uh, no, we, uh,
were shopping separately,
funniest thing,
and we just bumped into each other!
Right?
(laughs) Yes, it was hilarious.
I was shopping, and
and then all she said.
- (both chuckle)
- It was funny.
So, what did you buy?
Oh, no, no, no.
It's It's not mine.
It's hers.
Could you hold it for a minute?
My arms are tired!
(scoffs) This one, the Queen of Sheba.
We all work for her.
(laughter)
We have fun.
Mmm!
Burger's amazing.
This place is great.
These small town gays have it made.
Yeah, I mean,
they're forced to live in the shadows,
but they do get to eat fries, so
Oh, my God!
Is that Gil Thorpe?
We don't all know each other, Phil.
With the beard.
There are no women in here.
Right there, he's my nemesis.
What could he possibly be doing here?
Hmm, I might have a theory.
Oh, my God!
He's pretending to be gay.
No.
What is your game, Gil?
Oh, is Nicole coming in soon?
Her sound bath ran late.
Is there a special occasion?
Why the party sub?
Uh, this is a normal sandwich.
(chuckles)
- Hello, Haley.
- Hi.
Why the enormous sandwich?
This is an ordinary doesn't matter.
Uh, Nicole, can I have a minute?
Of course.
Uh
Look, a situation has come up
and it's pretty confusing.
I'm still trying to process it, but I
- Preggo?
- What?!
- Oh, God, I knew it!
- What?!
I mean, Prego, you know,
however you pronounce
that pretentious
Italian fashion website.
- Oh.
- Someone told me that they're trying
to poach one of my employees,
and I am not having it.
So, what do you need?
I, uh, well
Title bump, money bump
you are getting a promotion.
- (chuckles)
- You are gonna be
the new Head of
Activewear and Zeitgeist.
Oh, my God, this is my dream job.
(laughs) I told my guidance counselor
that I wanted to do this
and she laughed in my face.
All right, everyone.
Come in, we're celebrating!
And bring a knife so we can
cut this into 20 pieces!
Coach Tucker,
students are a "protected class"
and it is not okay for you,
an elite white man of privilege,
to bully them.
Privilege? I-I make a teacher's salary.
And I'm gay.
Yeah, gay doesn't really get
you the mileage that it used to.
Now, if you were trans, we'd be golden.
Oh, has the whole world gone crazy?!
- Jay
- No, no, I've had it.
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