Today Sam Riley kicked a soccer ball and it hit another kid so hard his eye popped out.
Awesome! Really? His eye popped out.
Never mind.
[Phil] Well, gotta hit the sack.
Big Saturday tomorrow.
That's right.
It's somebody's birthday.
Not just that.
The iPad comes out- on my actual birthday.
It's like Steve Jobs and God got together to say, "We love you, Phil.
" What is so great about that doohickey anyhow? "Doohickey," Elly May? It's a movie theater, a library and a music store all rolled into one awesome pad.
A library is a place where people get books.
A movie theater is a place where people go on dates.
I better load the beach chair into the trunk.
I'm gonna need it for the line in the morning.
Wait, honey.
Hang on.
You can't spend your birthday in line.
Well, not the whole day.
I have to be there at 6:00, or forget about it.
Then I'm out by 10:00.
Why don't you let me do it? Claire, you don't have to do that.
No, I know, but I want to.
And that way on your birthday you'll wake up and you'll have your brand-new toy.
Okay.
Well, in spite of you calling it a toy, this is shaping up to top the best birthday I ever had.
Oh, thank God we didn't have to hear that stupid story about that place- It was called the Fun Zone.
I was 11.
[Groans] I hit 10 straight fastballs in the batting cage.
Then my best friend Jeff Sweeney stepped in and took one in the groin.
I yelled out "Ball two!" Everybody laughed.
That was when I knew I was funny.
Good night.
B-E-L-I-E-V-E.
Believe.
Are you sure there's not an "E-I" in the middle? No.
It's "I-E.
" Good, papi! If I can't fool you, then your teachers can't fool you either.
I don't think they're trying to fool me.
Wait until you see what I got Phil for his birthday.
I found it on the SkyMall catalog.
Ay.
It's not one of those talking alarm clocks? "It's 6:05.
It's 6:25.
Wake up.
Wake up.
" Even better.
A rosewood chess set.
As matter of fact, before I wrap this thing, what say we take it for a spin? - Come on, Manny.
I'll teach you.
- He knows how to play.
His father taught him.
I'm gonna teach him real chess, not the Colombian version.
We actually use the pieces to play the game, not smuggle stuff out of the country.
Uh, I know one Colombian piece you won't be playing with later.
Manny, come on.
Let's see what you got.
You'll be surprised.
[Spanish] Manny's an excellent player, but Jay is a grumpy loser.
He mopes, he makes the face, he slams the door, then he said he didn't slam the door.
It's better that he wins.
[Crying On Baby Monitor] Um, I got this.
[Man On Baby Monitor] Everything's gonna be okay.
It's okay.
It's okay.
[Crying Continues] [Whispers] Cam! [Mutters] Leave me alone.
There's a- There's a man in Lily's room.
Huh? There's a man in Lily's room! It's go time.
Oh, thank God.
[Yells] It's me, it's me, it's me, it's me.
She's fine.
We must have just heard a neighbor with the same monitor.
Thank God.
Boy, if a spider would have broken in here, he would have been in trouble.
[Mouths Words] [Man] Hey, hey Hey, hey Hey, hey Hey, hey Hey Light-up barbecue tongs.
This was the lame gift I got Phil.
- So, was I bummed to get up at 5:00 and wait in line? - [Alarm Beeping] No.
No, because I was finally getting my husband something that he really, really wanted.
I was every bit as excited as he was.
[Exhales] Uh- No.
[Muttering] [Snoring] Hey, buddy.
I hope you're not upset about our chess match yesterday.
Hey, what do you say we play again? I'm good.
That's the spirit.
Downloaded this for you.
It's kind of a kid's guide to chess.
No, Jay.
I'm good.
Nah, it's not all dry like that.
They have fun with it.
See, you can color in the little players with your crayons.
Now you are making me want to play again.
Now we're lighting a fire.
Let me toss this out.
If you beat me, if that day should ever come, I'll give you- - I want your watch.
- Wow, you had that loaded up.
Okay.
Game on.
Now, I want you to go first.
Now remember, try to open up the middle of the board.
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