Ben, it's your turn to take out the garb-- Hey, you know you can't listen in when Dad talks with one of his mental patients.
He's not talking to a mental patient.
It's Mom.
Well, that's probably worse.
You still shouldn't snoop.
[SINGSONG] It's juicy stuff.
-Ben, you can't-- -It's about Mike.
Hey, I see Ben's been into the Goofy Glue again, huh? [WHISPERS] Shh.
Mike, I gotta warn you before it's too late.
-What? -For 5 bucks.
[IN NORMAL VOICE] Yeah.
What, you guys think I'm stupid just because I'm related to you? Okay, it's your funeral.
All right, all right, I owe you 5 bucks.
What is it? Your report card came in the mail today.
Oh, no.
That's what Dad said.
Well, how bad could it be? Dad says you're this close to becoming a good-for-nothing bum.
Okay, just tell them you haven't seen me, okay? Oh, wait a minute.
There's the little matter of the 5 bucks.
Yeah.
Try and collect.
CAROL: Hi, Mike, it's good to see you.
BEN: Hi, Mike, nice to see you.
CAROL: You're home? BEN: Nice to see you, Mike.
Don't you go anywhere.
Your mom and I will wanna have a word with you in a few minutes.
Okay, now, was it really, really worth it to sell your own brother out for a mere $5? CAROL: Yeah, absolutely.
BEN: Sure, definitely.
Jason, what are we going to do with Mike? Maggie, we've been asking the same question ever since his first report card in kindergarten.
I know, but he's a year and a half away from graduating.
I wouldn't bet on it.
D.
D-plus.
D-minus-minus.
Teacher comment number 64, which is: -"I've had it.
I'm quitting teaching.
" -Tsk.
Oh.
The real comment is our old favorite here: BOTH: Student is not realizing full potential.
Jason, what is going to become of Mike after he graduates? I mean, no college, no skills.
What job can a person get when all they have is a smile and nothing to back it up? He can go to Hollywood, become an actor.
I realize that as a psychiatrist you work hard at not letting your emotions get the best of you.
But at this moment I'm asking myself, "Why didn't I marry a fiery urologist?" Maggie, I'd rather think than rant, okay? So, what are you thinking? I think there must be a more effective way to get through to Mike.
-Good.
What is it? -I don't know.
And you call that thinking? -How would you get through to him? -Me? -Yeah.
-Oh.
Well, I'd.
Okay.
I'd, um.
Yeah, and this is good.
You know that speech you're giving at Boston College? The one you made me listen to three times? No, I know the one you asked to hear three times.
-That's the one.
Ha, ha.
-Mm.
Anyway, take him with you.
Show him around.
Let him see what he'll be missing -if he doesn't get his act together.
-Maggie, that's a terrible idea.
-It is? -But you know what I could do? I could take him to Boston with me and soft-sell him about college.
Show him around the campus? Let him see what he'll be missing? -Yes.
-I wonder where you come up with this.
Maggie, this is great.
Oh, Michael? He won't be able to resist my magical powers of persuasion.
I'll have the whole weekend to spend with him.
Hi, Mike.
Have a seat.
Your mom and I-- Hold it, I know what this is about.
You've been talking about my future plans.
And I myself have a few remarks on this subject.
Have a seat, Dad.
Now, what's all this fuss about the future? -Mike.
-No, no, Mom, Mom.
Come on.
I have got this handled, all right? I have made a decision in my life to become very successful and make a lot of money.
Uh-huh.
You guys are probably asking yourselves, "How is he gonna do this?" BOTH: How is he gonna do this? It's all right here in black and white, Mom.
"Vinnie Furbo's shiftless man's way to big bucks"? Keep reading.
"I made a million smackeroos and I'm just an average Joe like you.
And you don't need a big-deal college education or any special skills.
All you need is two free hours a week and a winning smile.
" I've found my calling.
I won't take up any more of your guys' time, but I will promise you this: When I make my first million I'm gonna buy you guys some decent clothes.
-Mike, can I see that, please? -Yeah, sure, Dad.
Son, as I said before, will you have a seat, please? Uh.
Is this gonna be another one of those college talks? -No.
MAGGIE: Yes, it is.
-No, it isn't.
-Yes, it is.
-No, isn't.
-Is.
[MAGGIE & JASON LAUGH] Now, we've been through this before, Mike.
What's the point of another lecture, right? No, son of mine, I've got this two-day trip to Boston coming up and I thought: "Hey, why don't we make it a guys' getaway?" What's the catch? There's no catch, Mike.
Come on, it'll be fun.
Just the two of us hanging out in Beantown.
You've been under a lot of academic pressure lately and, well, maybe what you really need is just a break.
Hm? Come on, you've earned it.
[JASON CHUCKLES] Where does all this stupid garbage end up? Well, it's taken to a factory, turned into video tape and then they record rock videos on it.
Wow.
Carol, I need you to lend me a suitcase.
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